Wednesday 18th April 2012
WEDNESDAY 18th April
Back in 1994, Robert Horridge was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from university.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Robert approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the animal’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Robert worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Robert stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Robert never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Seventeen years later, Robert was walking through the Aveland Zoo with his teenage daughter. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Robert and his daughter Margaret were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Robert, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1994, Robert could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs – and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Elsewhere in the news…
‘Headline of the Week’
If you ever type the name of the famous actor “Gary Oldman” into Google, I suggest you spell it correctly and certainly don’t forget the “R”.
Some people shouldn’t be allowed to be parents.
Kids will be kids.
Boys will be boys.
Although some like dolls.
My mother’s maiden name was actually “Password1″ which makes things a little tricky.
Anyone been watching Britain’s Got Talent?
I don’t know where Abu Hamza’s phone is but…
FML / Fuck My Life.
A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Get a grip, people!
Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.
I was going to tell you about my coconut touching fetish but I’m feeling a little shy.
That Awkward Moment
…when your dog sends you a text message.
They would probably like this.
(Yes, it’s a dick-tator.)
When I die, I want to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral – just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.
For those who know the music of Jay-Z, this might just be funny.
As for the rest of you, move along please.
The Bullying Support Group meeting is on Thursday at 7.30pm.
You’d better fucking be there. Or else.
Willy Wonka says get back to work.
Breaking News: “Twister kills twelve people in Los Angeles.”
I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks the Americans aren’t playing it correctly.
Why? Why? Why?
Why do people pose with invisible scissors or try to be gangsta?
Move over scissors, there’s a new trend in town.
I wonder if this will catch on.
It’s the “smell my fishy fingers” pose.
Expect to see everyone doing the “smell my fishy fingers” pose this coming weekend.
Why? Why? Why?
Why do people take so many photos in the mirror?
There are, of course, some exceptions to the rule.
In fact, this should be encouraged.
Why? Why? Why?
Who do people do that duckface pout thing?
Where’s Elmer Fudd when you need him?
Oh right. Here he is.
I saw some ducks in the park looking at their reflection in the water.
I’m pretty sure they were practising their teenage slut face.
It is also ‘fashionable’ to have lots of tattoos.
I’ve never been fashionable so I’ll give it a swerve.
A lot of people – and it’s a surprisingly high amount of people – have “Shhh…” as a tattoo on their index finger.
Just so they can do this.
We’ll file that one under: “Fucking Pointless.”
I don’t care how much you like dick.
Whether it’s your own or someone else’s.
What on earth would possess you to have this?
Why do people think that Jesus is coming back?
It’s not like he was nailed to a boomerang.
That Awkward Moment (1)
…when Stacey Solomon turns up unannounced.
That Awkward Moment (2)
…when Sarah Jessica Parker does exactly what Stacey Solomon did.
That Awkward Moment (3)
…when a sports star poses for a photo with a young fan.
Nice reading material, sir!
I tried to make a donation to the Tourette Syndrome Association but they told me to fuck off.
No, I’ll pass. Thanks.
Where you can find DJ Wanker next:
Thursday 19th & Friday 20th April – Temple Bar, Sutton Coldfield.
Saturday 21st April – Pussycats, Telford.
Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery
SHAMELESS NARCISSISM CORNER
Here’s a sample from last weekend to show you what went on in my clubbing world.
My new Sat Nav is rubbish.
It’s the Fleetwood Mac version.
It keeps telling me to go my own way.
But at least it’s better than the Talking Heads version.
As I always ended up going nowhere.
Any of you lot do that Zumba fitness thing?
What does your instructor look like?
Is he/she pretty athletic?
Do they eat a healthy diet?
Just asking, you know.
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
A new call centre has opened this week.
It’s for people who enjoy phone sex.
And it’s based in Wales.
I was sorry to hear that Gareth Gates had to cancel his comeback gig in Chester.
He got in a taxi but ended up in Chichester.
Coolest sky dive ever.
That’s the way to do it.
The devil is always in the detail.
Read the small print and listen carefully.
Listen very carefully.
I just LOVE this story!
And possibly love this story, also you will ;)
Successfully sued her employers, she did.
An undisclosed amount, she won.
Enough to buy a brand new Toyota, it was reported.
I bet mummy and daddy are so proud.
And here’s another WTF!? moment.
If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to email@example.com
A dedicated page for Random Silly Nonsense is here
Just in case you missed it, here is last week’s compilation.
[A whopping 9,500+ views in seven days – wow – the most-read one I’ve done yet! Thank you for your continued and wonderful support.]
That Awkward Moment (4)
…when a text arrives from your ex.
And the ex happens to be a smart arse.
(Even though I approve.)
That Awkward Moment (5)
…when you leave a little something on show.
That Awkward Moment (6)
…when a robber is so utterly stupid, he gives the game away.
If you’re out drinking with the Beach Boys, don’t ask whose round it is.
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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