Archive for January, 2012
WEDNESDAY 4th January
Hello and welcome along to my new-look page.
It’s all change as The DJ Wanker Blog has vanished into internet history – being replaced by something completely different.
Yes, it’s fresh for 2012 and totally unlike anything I’ve done before.
[Okay – apart from the name change it’s the same old rubbish repackaged in a slightly different box but new readers won’t know any different so let’s not spoil the illusion for them.]
It’s a one-stop emporium of lame jokes, daft pictures, made-up gubbins, bizarre waffle and other ridiculous stuff I’ve cobbled together to try and distract you for five minutes from your sad, humdrum existence.
If you don’t like bits of it or all of it, feel free to avoid popping along to read future ones. It’s okay – I don’t take it personally.
So it’s a new year, it’s a new me, it’s a new you. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day… and I’m feeling good.
Here we go then with some RANDOM SILLY NONSENSE!
I hope you all had an enjoyable and prosperous festive season.
It’s that time of year when families gather to remember why they spend the rest of the year apart.
My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
C. Be more consistent.
8. Learn to count.
Sad news from the world of Showbiz.
Russell Brand and Katy Perry are to end their marriage.
I can’t wait for Russell’s new book:
‘My Divorcey Worcey’.
That Awkward Moment
…when dad stands in the wrong place at Animal Kingdom.
The dad looks pleased – not so sure about the mum.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas.
So I went to the local pet shop and they were £70!
SEVENTY BLOODY QUID!
Blow this, I thought.
I ended up getting a much cheaper one off the web.
No one fails to pull over Christmas.
I needed a gimmick to help.
I thought this festive treat might reel in the ladies.
No luck, sadly.
And it was me who was left feeling a dick.
I went shopping for presents in Telford before Christmas.
They only sell this in the area.
It’s because the place is full of single mums.
I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.
The Barbie range has grown over the years.
This was also on sale in the area.
It’s because the place is full of drunken sluts.
Again, I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.
Here’s another modern present for the youth of today.
Too late for Christmas but an idea for a birthday.
So if you know a weed-smoking, spoilt, lazy, useless fucking prick who can’t handle hot beverages at a Drive-Thru someone who likes a visit to McDonalds, then this could be right up their street.
Corporate brainwashing at its finest.
I’m thinking of opening a drive-thru brothel.
There’s bound to be a lot of coming and going.
But I think you need to give MaccyD’s a rest.
You might just grow up to be the Michelin Man.
Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.
Why Do They Do That?
The modern trend – thanks to the rise of Facebook – is to take photos of yourself in the mirror.
It’s taking being vain to a new level.
Hey – look at us!
My mate told me that if he has any more kids, he’s going to name them after Charlie instead of Thora.
I asked: “Why’s that then?”
“Children should be Sheen and not Hird.”
That Awkward Moment
…when it looks like you have a long penis.
I once tried to buy a town in the south of France.
The locals were Avignon of it.
This is just stupid.
Photoshopped and stupid.
But well worth sharing with you.
Five things I want to do before I die
Okay, I’ll stick at four.
Women are such bitter creatures, aren’t they?
This one asked her other half what he thought of Prince William’s sister-in-law Pippa Middleton and if her arse was the best he’d ever seen.
The poor bloke said yes – Pippa is a hottie.
She didn’t take the news too kindly.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Or with a spray can.
Yes, she found out about your affair mate.
Here was another one who took the news rather badly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
No it doesn’t.
Why Do They Do That?
Posing for a photo has changed.
In the old days, you’d just smile.
Now you have to up the ante.
It’s all about invisible scissors.
Over the festive season, I saw this headline:
“Prince Philip gets Operation for Christmas.”
I’d have thought he’d be too old for games like that but, to be fair, it is a classic.
In The News
This poor old chap couldn’t work out why no-one ever replied to his letters.
It only took him a couple of years to figure out why.
Congratulations (and celebrations) to Cliff Richard.
The 71 year old has enjoyed a successful Christmas.
His calendar for 2012 was a best seller.
But he and his fans are now so old, it only goes up to August.
It’s time for the January sales.
You’ve already spunked a load of money you can’t afford on Christmas presents.
Now you can get further into debt buying stuff you don’t really need for less than what it was a few weeks ago.
Here’s a bargain for you.
I imagine Harry Potter fans were queuing up for them.
For the record, I’ve never read the books or seen the films.
Nor do I ever plan to.
IT’S FOR KIDS.
Some Potter fans take their love for Harry a little far.
Check out this freak with her broomstick.
The magic of Harry Potter has spread across the world.
In the Far East, there is a Potter-themed kids play area.
I’m not sure if Harry is flying here or knocking one out.
Those Potter kids have grown up fast.
They’re almost unrecognisable from the little cherubs who started out.
I wonder what Emma, Daniel and Rupert are like these days.
I bought my mate Cluedo for Christmas.
It was the ‘Swingers Edition’.
Turns out they all did it, in every room.
FML / Fuck My Life.
A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Get a grip, people!
Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.
If someone is ugly, you call them a stalker.
If the person is good looking, you call them a secret admirer.
Things People Post On Facebook
“Yh ryt dis woz me n me m8 out shoppin.
We fort itd be a gud idea to hav a pik ov dis.
We woz jus messin arownd n ting.
We iz lyk wel kewl.
If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to email@example.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and you might also want to ‘like’ this Facebook page
My ex girlfriend used to use a carrot to masturbate.
Presumably, to stop her going blind.
Here’s a question for you.
This next bloke is married…
…but can you guess the name of his wife?
It’s a tough one.
Ten points for the correct answer.
They say – whoever ‘they’ are – that tattoos can make you sexier.
Tattoos are shit.
I have no idea if this is Brenda.
I’m still puzzled by the strange, varying gifts I received for Christmas.
A regular calculator, a scientific calculator and an abacus.
Something doesn’t add up.
Dad Of The Year 2012
This man is in the running.
He’s among the favourites.
I’m sure every self-respecting parent takes their young daughter to a pub to watch scantily-clad tarts parading up and down the catwalk while hollering encouragement at the sexy bints.
I don’t really understand the lure of strip clubs.
You give a woman all your money and she won’t sleep with you?
Sounds a lot like marriage to me.
Of my obsession with Yoda my ex-girlfriend left me because.
You can’t beat a bit of takeaway food.
Kebabs, burgers, pizzas etc.
I can’t quite make out the full number of this place.
It’s 488666 but I’m not sure of the area code.
Or the Subscriber Trunk Dialling code as it used to be called.
STD for short, of course.
Some great pizza offers here.
Catch them while you can…
Pizza that stays with you – even after it’s gone.
Mmmm hot and fresh.
My ex-girlfriend is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well listen love, three can play at that game.
That Awkward Moment
…when pop star Rihanna feeds her assistant with an invisible penis.
I apologise for such a terrible caption – I’m such a rude boy.
Women say: “Child birth is one of the most painful things in the world.”
Well they obviously haven’t ever sneezed while having a piss.
And finally… my ex-girlfriend was really self-conscious about the size of her pussy lips.
Personally, I didn’t see why she was flapping so much.
Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?
I appreciate your feedback.
Tell me what you think on Facebook
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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