Archive for December, 2011

Wednesday 14th December 2011

NOTE: Some of this made me laugh. I can’t speak for anyone else.



WEDNESDAY 14th December


Good news for Narcoleptics.

Only 178 more sleeps until Christmas.


Porn channels on the telly make me angry.

I just sit there shaking my fist.


So what if I can’t spell armer-gedden?

It’s not the end of the world.

(Obviously I can spell ‘Armageddon’ correctly but… oh, never mind.)


Merry Christmas from Snoop Dogg.

Look what his mum got him last year.

Fo shizzle with da bizzle in da hizzle.

Or something like that.

I have warned Snoop about mince pies.

They can be dangerous when you take them out of the oven.

Try not to drop them when they’re hot.



That Awkward Moment

…when you go carol singing with Yoda.


Have you ever seen Yoda made out of Lego?

It’s a scary thing.

Especially if you’re a baby.

Shit scared, he is.


Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.


Some people use Christmas as an excuse to go away on holiday.

Get a bit of winter sun and all that.

Be careful though if you bump into people from Telford.

You’ll know who they are when you see their kids on the beach.


Enjoy a “Deal or No Deal” style Christmas this year.

Number your presents 1-22 and then invite a bunch of raging fuckwits to open them for you.


I’ve worked all over the UK as a DJ.

Had a spell in Wakefield back in 1998.

It wasn’t in this place.

Seems right up my street though.


DJ Tiesto is crap.

Here’s the proof.


Apparently, home vajazzle kits will be very popular this Christmas.

I somehow think my mum will prefer a voucher from M&S.


Tesco fail.

Fuck it.

I’m going to Asda instead.


I said to the dentist: “I want my teeth whiter.”

He said: “Have you tried polish?”

I said: “Chcieć moich zębów biały” and he ignored me.

(That’s for you, Magda Duszynska and Chris Lepkowski.)


‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Dig out the festive lights.

Be careful not to go over the top.



Less is often more.

I salute the people who live on the right.

Now THAT is how to decorate your house.


Nothing says “We forgot your Christmas present” quite like a massive Toblerone from the 24-hour garage.


How many Santas can you fit in a lift?

The answer is eight.

My deepest thanks to Daisy Bruce and her cohorts at Lincoln University for doing this.

Totally pointless, of course, but great skills.

I shall refrain from saying: ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho and ho.

Because they’re probably not.


My girlfriend’s always helping me to keep fit.

Every time she mentions marriage, I run a fucking mile.


This next picture gives me the creeps.

In fact it makes me shiver every time I look at it.

He’s a big fan of Chewbacca I suspect.

No, no and no. Just wrong.


That Awkward Moment

…when it looks like you’ve had a face transplant.


People call me Mr Compromise.

It wasn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.


It’s only taken me 38 years but I’ve finally cracked it.

All this time being treated like shit by my disrespectful, sneering excuse for a sister and it could’ve been nipped in the bud when I was a child.

If only I’d stuck up for myself back then.

Kung-fu siblings!

Note: Play nicely, children.



I was going to buy a “Blue Peter” advent calendar this year.

Then I remembered I’d made one earlier.


I’ll let you into a little secret.

I make a fortune every year with my export business.

Although I only have a short window of opportunity in the run-up to Christmas.

I sell blow-up snowmen to foreign countries.

Funnily enough, I only get orders from one country.



That Awkward Moment

…when your baby meets a snowman for the first time.


My girlfriend’s told me I’ve got to stop naming people after 1980’s pop stars.

She’s adamant.

(And I am, of course, her Prince Charming. Boom, tish, aaah.)

(Okay, I’m lying. I’m too ugly to have a girlfriend.)


Oh Santa.

Please don’t wear this t-shirt when meeting kids.

And here he is with a young Gail from Corrie.


I don’t know why Christians make such a big fuss about the ‘Ten Commandments’.

It’s not like the rules were set in stone.


If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had over 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here – thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supply material.


Bargain of the Week

As spotted in Top Man.

What a great deal.



The new Manchester United fragrance this Christmas is Channel No5.

Arsenal are hoping to prise Samir Nasri away from Manchester City with the promise of Champions League football.

What’s blue and still fits? A Manchester City fan’s old Chelsea shirt.


Fairground Ride Of The Week

Is it funny or wrong?

Or both?


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Half of Essex/Liverpool/Newcastle etc.


That Awkward Moment

…when animals have sex.


My new party trick:

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse, all tied up.

I shit you knot.


Who invented porn?

A question often (mass) debated.

You’ll be surprised at the real answer.


My best mate Phil and I buy cheap presents for each other at Christmas.

Last year, he got me some play dough.

I didn’t know what to make of it.


Dear Santa,
I spotted a woman on the train the other day.
I want to get her a present for Christmas.
Well, I’d like to get her several presents.

1) A diet book
2) A mirror
3) A bra
4) Clothes that fit
5) Some self awareness

Thank you Santa,
Much love from DJ Wanker (aged 38 and a half)


I wish I hadn’t bought a house in Grimsby.

Neighbours from Hull.


Santa gives out presents.

He gives out balloons.

He has his photo taken with you.

Oh dear. Bad Santa.

Very bad Santa.


You can learn many things from children.

Like how much patience you have, for example.


I like honest people.

I like honest businesses.

I like businesses with a sense of humour.

Honesty doesn’t come much better than this.


I don’t mind lesbians, actually.

They’re still women who won’t sleep with me.

But at least it’s nothing personal.


A great game to play.

For girls only.

Smash some cocks, smash them hard


That Awkward Moment

…when your dog realises you haven’t got him a Christmas present.


One reason why Santa has to be a man.

No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.


And finally… when I was a little boy, I used to think that earwigs actually lived in your ears.

Consequently I was terrified of cockroaches.


Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook


Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email


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Magician for hire – he’s great!


Transform your bathroom
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December 14, 2011 at 2:09 am Leave a comment

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