WEDNESDAY 22nd February

I was in the supermarket the other day when a rather attractive woman smiled at me and said hello.

I was quite taken aback because I just couldn’t place where I knew her from.

“Do I know you ?” I asked.

“I think you’re the father of one of my kids!” she exclaimed.

My mind raced back to the only time I’d ever been unfaithful to the Mrs and I said:

“Ah you must be the stripper from the stag-do I shagged on the pool table whilst all my mates shouted encouragement and egged me on to fuck the living daylights out of you!”

She looked at me and said calmly:

“No, I’m your daughter’s schoolteacher…”

Ouch!

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Text Of The Week

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As someone who used to be 18-and-a-half-stone, it would be wrong of me to take the piss out of fatties.

So I won’t.

Well, maybe not until further down this page.

Anyway, I’m feeling hungry.

For some reason I just fancy some marshmallows.

A big box of pink marshmallows.

Not sure why but…

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I was standing in a queue last week behind a massively fat woman with a huge arse when her phone started to bleep.

A little boy behind her said:

“Fuck me, she’s reversing!”

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Boxing is camp.

Oiled up, half naked men fighting over a belt and purse.

Dereck Chisora was beaten by Vitali Klitschko at the weekend.

Chisora’s big mistake was stealing David Haye’s gameplan:

1. Agree to fight a Klitschko.
2. Behave like an idiot.
3. Lose by miles.

What’s this – Chisora wants to “bum” Haye?

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EastEnders in a nutshell.

With an 80s twist.

Brought to you by the genius that is SuperMassiveRaver and his crew.

If anything’s ripe for a pisstake, it’s the E20 misery-fest.

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Here’s one for Alanis Morissette.

The owner of this shop in Bognor has been declared errrrrrrrrrrm…

Well you get the idea.

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What’s the difference between praying in a church and praying when gambling?

You really mean it when gambling.

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BOBFOC.

Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.

Here’s one.

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I’m not an animal lover.

But I’m not an animal hater.

Never had a pet and never want one.

Here are two dogs.

And no I don’t mean Jordan and Kerry Katona.

***

Nothing wrong with some adult entertainment.

Even animals enjoy it.

This furry feline loves a bit of pussy but has just been…

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Why? Why? Why?

Why do people take so many photos in the mirror?

Why do people pose with invisible scissors or try to be gangsta?

Who do people do that duckface pout thing?

Well, they just do.

***

I like Noel Clarke.

A fine actor – he was superb in Doctor Who.

And he loves his invisible scissors.

***

Now this is how you take a photo in the mirror.

Sucking up to the author pretty much guarantees getting a photo on this website.

Again.

+++

Breaking Sports News

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox.

Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid for Rangers.

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Nobody likes shoddy workmanship.

My mate had a bloke in to do some tiling.

He wasn’t very good.

He’s now had to get someone else in to sort the grouting out.

Look at the state of it in his bathroom.

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As you know, we like to bring you the big stories from around the world.

I spotted this in a newspaper in Warrington.

Local papers like to bring you the huge news.

It’s all kicking off in this part of Cheshire.

Hold the front page!

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Everybody remembers where they were when they heard that JFK had been assassinated.

I was in a history lesson.

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Spot The Difference

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My ex girlfriend once told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

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We all love a bouncy castle.

Great fun for the kids.

This one is a little unusual.

For that full on Titanic or Costa Concordia experience.

***

Some survivors of the Costa Concordia are comparing their experience to the Titanic.

I think they’re going a bit overboard.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 24th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 25th Feb – Pussycats, Telford

***

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

I do see some right sights when DJing.

Someone suggested doing a “Munter” section here but I’d have to face some of them again and I decided it wasn’t worth the aggro.

Then again, if you do plough through the photos in my gallery you’ll be able to work out for yourself who is magnificent, who is mediocre and who is minging.

Anyway…

***

I love being a DJ.

I’d love to tell you this request was for me and I played the song.

Not sure I could concentrate with this going on.

***

Some customers are lovely.

They occasionally offer to buy you a drink.

And sometimes they slip you a few quid for a tune or shout out.

It’s never expected or solicited. It’s just like a waitress or barman getting a tip.

However, one DJ in America must be coining it in.

I might even get something similar made up to try and stop the ruder, less polite demands.

Obviously some po-faced, thin-skinned people won’t find it funny but as long as I do then that’s all that matters.

And on a similar theme: “DJ faces murder charge” Full story here.

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One of the freshest DJ brands around is ReflectResidents - featuring MattPeverell and NickPeverell plus a cast of others including JonFitz (from Herd&Fitz).

I had the pleasure of playing alongside them at the fabulous HedKandiBar in Ibiza last summer and this week, on their IdealClubworld radio show, they featured a half hour mix of funky house which they asked me to put together for them.

You can listen to the whole lot by clicking here - my bit starts around 1h19m but, if you like funky, sexy, deep, soulful stuff, then I recommend you hear it all.

NB: You might have to log in or register to listen.

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Random Book Recommendation Of The Week

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Bruce Willis and Demi Moore gave one of their kids a stupid name, Rumer has it.

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Crap Parent Of The Week

You stay there, love.

I’m just putting some stuff in the car.

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You should prepare children for the harsh realities of life by using glue to replace, rather than fix, broken My Little Ponies.

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Pointless Windscreen Wiper Of The Week

Why? Why? Why?

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Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.

***

Here’s a Whitney-related cock up on Channel 5.

***

Baths are dangerous.

At least now we know why crack addicts look dirty

***

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What’s fat, orange, two miles long and smells of kebab?

The queue for the morning after pill at Boots in Telford on a Saturday morning.

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Yes, I’m know I’m old.

Old and out of touch.

Sometimes on Facebook I simply haven’t got a clue.

What’s this all about?

***

Grammar.

The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

+++

Worst Star Wars Fancy Dress Party Ever

The force isn’t strong.

The force isn’t with them.

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had in excess of 7,000 views – quite staggering, so thank you – if you missed it last week, it’s here.

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Bookmakers could increase their profits by not giving customers ‘clues’ in the form of odds as to which horse will win a race.

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Tattoo Of The Week

Yes, I know.

What a c**t.

***

If you get a tattoo of a digital watch on your wrist then I bet you’ll regret it literally one minute later.

+++

So I popped into KFC the other day.

And I had a random thought.

Does this bloke get a free meal?

Colonel Sanders lives!

+++

And now the weather.

There will be bucketloads of… what?

Did he really say that?

+++

I went to see an osteopath last week.

Erm, was it an osteopath? Not sure. Let me think.

No, I apologise.

I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath.

I stand corrected.

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That Awkward Moment

…when you’re stage diving and nobody wants to catch you.

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All that loud noise when DJing isn’t good for your ears long term.

I called the tinnitus helpline but it just kept ringing.

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And finally… Bungee Jumping is not for everyone.

Especially those of a nervous disposition.

Oh shit…

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

***

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 15th February

I was telling a girl in the pub last week about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on, just by feeling their breasts.

“Really?” she said: “Go on then… Try.”

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

“Come on,” she demanded, “When was I born?”

“Yesterday,” I replied.

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My nephew does A-Team impressions.

I told him they were utterly brilliant.

You should have seen his face!

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That Awkward Moment

…when you follow through in public.

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It’s ironic that most people’s thoughts about their Whitney Houston jokes are “It’s not right / but it’s okay / I’m gonna make it anyway.”

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Parent Of The Week

“Dad, you’re squashing me!”

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Sad news.

The man who invented crosswords has died.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

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Who says men can’t multi-task?

Here’s an example of why blokes can.

Copping off and looking after his mate.

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What do we want?
A cure for diabetes.
When do we want it?
Before Easter.

+++

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for showing us the back of your phone and posting it online.

***

Taking a photo of yourself (and the back of your phone) is not just a UK phenomenon.

They do it all around the world.

This was in the Middle East.

***

I met a girl once.

She let me take a naughty photo.

It was only then I discovered she was Jewish.

+++

My ex girlfriend once sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

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Hot Air Balloon Of The Week

Mad, isn’t it?

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Hurrah!

I’ve bought myself a Bon Jovi Sat Nav.

It takes a while to warm up though.

It only starts working when we’re half way there.

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A little help if you ever travel on the Metro in Japan.

Random or what?

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In The News

Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric did NOT cheat the taxman.

Redknapp is clear favourite to replace Fabio Capello as England manager.

T’riffic.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 17th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 18th Feb – Pussycats, Telford

Mario from The Only Way Is Essex joined us at Pussycats last Saturday and – credit where it’s due – he was quite a nice bloke. He is clearly one of the lesser oxygen thieves on that bloody awful show. Not that that’s much of a compliment but there you go.

***

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

+++

I have been invited to join the Tenuous Connection Society by a friend of my Neighbour’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s former boss.

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Tattoo Of The Week

Your parents must be so proud, love.

Or maybe you just love that Mousse T record from 1998.

***

However much you like animals, why would anyone have paw prints as a tattoo on their boobs?

Yet people do.

***

Let me introduce you to Hayley.

She was born on 6th September 1991.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

I just do.

Your own name.

Your own date of birth.

As tattoos.

I will never understand it.

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Best Glove Name Of The Week

Perfect for a wanker like me.

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One of the pins on my watch broke last week.

The girl at the jewellery store asked if I wanted to try a new strap on.

I thought that was a bit forward of her.

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It’s not often you get over 250 retweets on Twitter.

But this one I posted clearly caught the mood last week.

***

At one point I was trending above Fabio Capello, Lord Sugar and Michael Owen.

Utter madness.

+++

Breaking news.

Walkers are to add a new flavour to their crisps.

They will be called Semen.

Walkers plan to market them as ‘diet crisps’ – as 97.8% of women will spit them back out.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off.

And then a turn on again.

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In memory of George Orwell.

This is clever.

Really clever.

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I once got a +1 on a wedding invite from a friend, yet they seemed surprised and annoyed when I turned up an hour after everyone else.

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Rude Shadow Of The Week

Took some effort, this.

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Good news.

I’ve got myself a job interview to become an Argos delivery driver.

They want to see me next Monday.

To show them that I’ll fit in well, I’m going to turn up anytime between 7am and 7pm.

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It’s been bloody cold in the UK in recent weeks.

A dusting of snow and the country grinds to a halt.

Fortunately, people are always on hand to discuss it.

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I saw a man get run over by a lorry salting the snowy roads.

“I’ll get you, you bastards,” he said through gritted teeth.

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Has anyone seen my scissors?

Not real scissors, obviously.

You know – the invisible ones.

Snip, snip.

***

I’m not going to criticise a top boxer for invisible scissors.

I might be stupid but I’m not THAT stupid.

Here is Amir Khan with Kenzie.

Brap! Brap!

***

It’s not just the “kids” who do the gangster pose.

Even knights of the realm do it.

I bet you thought you’d never see the Manchester United manager partaking.

Sir Alex Ferguson and his invisible scissors.

Wow. Just wow.

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had almost 7,000 views – not bad considering 18 months ago I was lucky to get 400 in a week. Then again it was pretty rubbish in comparison back then. Anyway, if you missed it last week, it’s here.

PS. I doubt anyone reads this bit but, hey, it’s okay.

+++

“Mummy, daddy – can you get us some fancy dress please.”

“Of course, leave it with me. I’ll have a word with Colonel Sanders.”

Finger lickin’ ridiculous.

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Warning ! Warning !

Some scary photos are coming.

You have been warned.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK !

I love a woman who works out and looks after her figure.

It shows she respects her fitness.

No, this is not Jodie Marsh.

It’s worse.

Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!

***

I’m not sure if this next bloke has just seen that bodybuilder or has drunk way too much at a sporting event.

Or possibly both.

(If you’re eating your dinner, please look away now.)

+++

A message to any aspiring urban musical artistes:

Become the English pop equivalent to Flo Rida by telling people your new name is Don Caster or Peter Borough.

+++

Cats are scared of dogs, right?

That’s how it works.

Well – not always.

Here’s the most terrified pooch ever.

+++

I’ve recently started online dating.

I was matched with a girl who told me she suffered with agoraphobia.

Maybe I should ask her out.

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And finally… I was helping this attractive lady carry her bags in the supermarket car park and turned to her and said: “Where is your car?”

She grabbed me, looked me straight in the eye and exclaimed:

“I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

I said: “You’ll have to show me love – I can’t tell one Japanese car from another.”

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

***

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 8th February

I once applied for a job as a mustard cutter.

But unfortunately I wasn’t quite good enough.

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The only reason I still have a landline is so I can find my mobile phone in the house.

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News Just In (Sports Section)

Here are the results for the games played on Saturday in the Musketeers football league.

They were all 4-1 and one 4-all.

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Tattoo Of The Week

Cha’mone Motherfucker.

Michael Jackson did indeed touch so many.

Oops.

+++

You probably didn’t know this but…

Next Monday is National Libraries Day.

They kept that one quiet.

+++

I hope the driver was okay.

***

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.

For example – if it’s in a ditch, it’s been driven by a woman.

#StereotypeHumour #OnlyJoking #WomenAreMuchBetterDrivers

***

Random irritation:

People who can’t park properly.

What a twat.

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Reading the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle is a clear sign that you’re having a poo and forgot your magazine.

+++

Modern Life Is Rubbish

We never used to pose with invisible scissors in the old days.

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I bet the “YMCA” dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

In case you wondered, it’s this: 吾艾艾马西诶

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This will only work if you’re using a laptop.

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I’m all for vajazzling – but the name is horrible.

I think they should call it blinge.

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That Awkward Moment

…when a male newspaper sub editor gets distracted by some naughty thoughts.

What a tit.

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I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.

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A woman doesn’t always understand what a man says.

No love – not THAT one.

Yes, she’s shaving a beaver. Do I have to explain everything?

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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 10th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 11th Feb – Pussycats, Telford

Mario from The Only Way Is Essex should’ve been with us at Pussycats last Saturday but the poor weather meant he didn’t come. He is, however, joining us this weekend.

***

Recreate your own version of TOWIE by painting some featureless pebbles orange and watch them do absolutely nothing of any significance for 45 minutes.

***

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

+++

David Beckham has signed a two-year Galaxy deal.

Coincidentally, this is the same amount of time it takes his wife to eat one.

+++

Headline in The Guardian newspaper:

Stephen Hawking claims he finds women ‘a complete mystery.’

Stick to trying to work out applied mathematics, cosmology and theoretical physics, Steve.

It’s far easier

Here’s the man himself on holiday.

+++

Breaking News

Rolf Harris has revealed he’s dyslexic.

Rofl.

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I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

Even if you’re single.

But surely the whole point of Valentine’s is… oh never mind.

***

I made a bit of a mess of Valentine’s Day last year.

I booked a table for me and my then girlfriend.

But I had no idea she was rubbish at playing snooker.

***

Tip For Men.

Make it a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember.

By simply forgetting it.

***

I’m going to get a Valentine’s Day card from Moonpig.

She hates it when I call her that.

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Hello, you are through to PC World technical support how may I help you?

I’m having trouble finding the net.

No problem sir, can I take your name please?

Yeah its Andy Carroll / Fernando Torres / Steve Howard (*)

(*) delete as applicable.

***

You have to be careful what you say in PC World these days.

+++

I found this funny.

And quite silly.

You might need to click on the photo to enlarge it to see it properly.

+++

I’m sorry Lenny Henry – but you’re wrong.

Premier Inn.

Everything is premier.

Except the Inn.

+++

Taking photos of your baby.

Now this is how to do it.

Sweet.

***

This is how you take photos of the back of your phone.

Where would we be without a mirror?

***

Taking photos in the mirror is indeed a modern phenomenon.

It’s rarely classy.

Sometimes it can be as bleak as this.

***

I hope Mick Jagger opens a new nightclub.

The male toilets will probably look like this.

Genius.

***

From the best ever toilets to the worst ever.

Not got the hang of it, have they?

+++

On a similar theme – this is for people over 35 who grew up in England.

Recreate your school days by trying to wipe up a spillage of chocolate spread with a piece of grease proof paper.

#WorstBogRollEver
#Izal
#CanWeSueThemForMentalDistress

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Parent Of The Week

And the award goes to…

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Top Tip for babysitters.

Get kids to go to sleep early by telling them it’s Christmas tomorrow.

Then leave the parents to deal with the fallout.

+++

Here’s a lovely photo.

A smartly-dressed couple looking happy on a night out.

***

Sadly, this wasn’t the full picture.

I doubt they’ll be having this framed on the mantelpiece.

Coo-eee!

+++

According to a recent study, during sex you burn as many calories as running for five miles.

Who the hell runs five miles in 30 seconds?

+++

Cheating is never a good thing.

You are, of course, only cheating yourself.

Unless you’re cheating on someone else. But you get the idea.

This lad, however, gets 10 out of 10 for ingenuity.

+++

A female came into my house uninvited the other night and she left a note saying she’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I still haven’t orked out ho the omen as or hich key isn’t orking.

+++

Please be careful on a night out.

When wearing lipstick.

And drinking.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

#crapjokecorner

My former wife was found hacked to death.

At the funeral we arranged to have two coffins.

The moral of the story?

Never put all of your ex in one casket.

+++

Text Message Of The Week

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – all contributions are greatly received.

You can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 6,000 views again – 6,336 to be precise – the second highest ever.

If you missed it, it’s here.

+++

What the absolute fook is this all about?

??????????????

+++

Breaking news.

Jordan is to swim The Thames for charity.

She announced this at a press conference.

Reporter: “But what about all the diseases?”.

“Yeah, but it’s for charity innit?” said The Thames.

***

You can now buy Jordan-themed “wigs” for babies.

They cost £4.99.

I suppose it’s a small Price toupée.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you go on a rollercoaster while feeling unwell.

***

Perhaps he’d eaten too much of this.

+++

Guys – you can have this for free.

Do NOT keep sticking a key in your wife’s back.

It really winds them up.

+++

I love Morgan Freeman.

One of the best actors ever in my humble opinion.

This amused me.

+++

I once met a girl at a fancy dress party where we’d both gone dressed as dolphins.

We just clicked.

+++

And finally… #VeryOldJokesHome

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”

A minute later the boy is still praying: “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear: “I didn’t know you were so religious.”

The boy replies: “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!” 

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

***

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 1st February

Valentine’s Day will be with us soon.

I’d love to work in a restaurant that night.

I’d put fake engagement rings in all the women’s glasses.

#standbackandwatchthereaction

+++

My first ever girlfriend was deaf.

She left me for a deaf bloke.

I was gutted.

To be honest, I should’ve read the signs.

***

“What do we want?”
“A cure for deafness!”
“When do we want it?”
“A cure for deafness!”

+++

#best/worstchatuplines

Boy: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Girl: You really think I’m beautiful?
Boy: No, it just looks like you landed on your face.

+++

Quick memo to Mr and Mrs Litoris:

Your son will hate you forever.

Of all the names you could’ve chosen!!!!

I bet he feels a right c***

+++

I hope my new book does well.

It’s called: “How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations.”

+++

Being a private investigator must be a fun job.

All that subterfuge.

All that secrecy.

Unless you’re the worst private investigator ever.

+++

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed.

You know, just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

+++

All red-blooded blokes enjoy seeing top totty.

It keeps us fresh and alive.

But for some guys it’s almost too much.

This fella needs to pop his eyes back in.

+++

FACT

The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.

+++

What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

+++

Someone has stolen all of my coffee cups.

I’m going to the police station to look at some mug shots.

+++

Probably not true but I like this.

I like it a lot.

+++

what do we want a better understanding of punctuation when do we want it now

+++

#best/worstchatuplines

If I asked you to have sex with me, would your answer be the same as it is for this question?

+++

I hope you enjoy my weekly selection of Random Silly Nonsense.

Maybe a joke gets you chuckling.

Or a photo makes you guffaw out loud.

Be careful though.

Drinking and laughing do not mix well.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when you take your love for Charlie Brown a little too far.

***

A magazine to help parents can be a Godsend.

I recommend “Parents” magazine.

Bit of a cock up on the front page of this edition.

+++

I had a girlfriend once.

(Hard to believe, I know.)

Her name was Sally Mustard.

And then she dumped me.

I got a Dijon letter.

(That’s way too clever for this website and beyond the brains of some readers. But if you got it – on every level – then give yourself a little gold star.)

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

Football News

Steve Howard Andy Carroll Fernando Torres is 6-1 to score in his next match.

If you don’t understand odds, that means that if you bet £10, you will lose £10.

+++

It’s all kicking off in Matlock.

The local paper in the Derbyshire village is first with the big news.

Can you help them?

This is not even a story, right?

+++

What do we want?
A cure for procrastination.
When do we want it?
Oh later this week will be fine.

+++

#best/worstchatuplines

Boy: Do you fancy a drink?
Girl: Not from you no.
Boy: Sorry I think you misunderstood, I said your arse looks fat in those jeans.

+++

You’ve probably seen this already.

Certainly the dozen or so people who brought it to my attention have.

Waitrose have a new slogan.

“LOVE life. You count.”

You can see where this is heading.

A huge fail in this window display.

Now that’s no way to speak to customers!

***

I buy my mint sauce from Tesco.

It makes sense really.

It’s cheaper than Aldi.

Much, MUCH cheaper.

Yes, I’m going to Aldi because Mint Sauce is 100 times more expensive there.

***

So I continued my shopping trip.

Just needed to get a few groceries.

And then I turned into the fresh food aisle.

What the absolute fook?!?!

***

I think Poundland should open a new branch.

In south west Wales.

More specifically, in a seaside village called Tenby.

Locals are being ripped off there at the moment.

That’s inflation for you, kids.

***

All that shopping made me hungry.

A little trip to McDonald’s seemed in order.

Sadly, they’d run out of everything.

Someone in front of me in the queue had cleaned them out.

And I don’t think it was the kid on the right.

+++

Waht do we wnat?
A kure 4 Dxylesia.
Wehn do we wnat it?
Won!

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 3rd Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 4th Feb – Pussycats, Telford

Mario from The Only Way Is Essex will be with us at Pussycats this Saturday. No – I have no idea who he is but the young ladies reckon he’s “peng” and “hench” and therefore we’re expecting a busy night and a bit of a clunge-fest.

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

+++

Here’s a little piece of advice.

Adv.

+++

Leave traffic wardens alone.

They’re just doing their job.

Apart from when they’re a fucking jobsworth.

There was no need for this!

+++

Breaking News

The Rolling Stones are to sue Apple over trespassing on their cloud.

(Clever stuff like that is wasted on some of you.)

+++

I like this.

And I live my life by it these days.

Pretty spot on, yes?

+++

Top Tip

Put Viagra in your vodka.

That should always keep your spirits up.

+++

There’s a new German School open near me.

I hope there are no Nazi nasty teachers.

They could, perhaps, have designed a better logo.

+++

If you work in a shop selling hand grenades, please don’t ask customers for a pin.

+++

Not Random.

Not Silly.

Not Nonsense.

Just a cute photo.

Sometimes no words are needed.

Bless.

+++

Mark said: “Lardy Boy – I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”

“Really,” said Lardy Boy. “Is that a wise idea?”

“Why’s that?” replied Mark.

“Well,” said Lardy Boy, “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

+++

What do we want?
A cure for stuttering!
When do we want it?
Nnnnnnnnnn…oh ask Gareth Gates.

+++

#best/worstchatuplines

Boy: Your dad must be a thief.
Girl: Yawn. Why because he stole the diamonds and put them in my eyes?
Boy: No, you just look like a pikey.

+++

Each to their own when it comes to women but…

***

I have designed a Venn diagram.

I did so to try and work out why I’m still single.

(Apart from being old, bald, ugly, dull etc.)

This might sum things up.

***

One of the saddest moments in my life was being left at the altar.

Worst baptism ever.

***

Perhaps I should study more about women.

That way I might understand them better.

They are such fantastic and beautiful creatures.

(Most of the time.)

Not sure this book will shed a great deal of light though.

***

People often post on Facebook about their relationships.

There’s nothing wrong with airing a LITTLE BIT of dirty laundry OCCASIONALLY.

But you don’t need to ALL OF THE TIME.

(I think I’m making my point here.)

This woman hasn’t quite got the idea of how cheating works.

***

Mona Lisa has been on Facebook for a week.

She’s already got the hang of it.

#rubbishposing

#duckfacepout

+++

My ex girlfriend thought I drank too much because I was bored.

She said I needed to get a hobby.

So I got one of those home brewing kits.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a birthday party goes horribly wrong.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 6,000 views – yes SIX THOUSAND – the second most viewed ever – if you missed it, it’s here.

+++

WARNING ! WARNING !

The next photo is not suitable for a workplace.

It’s also not suitable for kids.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !

What is seen can never be unseen.

This is a genuine tattoo.

A genuinely stupid one.

A nice arse totally ruined.

+++

My great new idea of a TV drama, set on an aeroplane, has finally been commissioned.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

+++

I enjoy coming up with captions for these photos.

Sometimes it’s easy.

Sometimes it’s difficult.

And sometimes you don’t need one at all.

This next picture is just, well… I really don’t know.

But it made me laugh!

Am I wrong to laugh at that?

+++

What do we want?
A watch.
When do we want it?
I have no idea as I don’t have a watch.

+++

#best/worstchatuplines

Three ladies sitting at the bar.
Boy: Alright girls? Where’s Cinderella?

+++

And (not quite) finally… I had the hottest curry ever at an Indian restaurant in Leicester last week.

There were tears on my Pilau.

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

***

PS – this final bit is neither Random, nor Silly and most definitely not Nonsense.

This week’s offering is in the memory of Henry Peters – my dad, my hero – who died a year ago, on January 31st 2011. He used to read this stuff every week because he was always up for a good laugh.

In some ways, it’s hard to believe it’s been a year but there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him. I miss him greatly, obviously.

I was comforted by several things. He didn’t suffer for too long and he died at home, in mum’s arms.

The night before he passed away, I told him how much I loved him. I didn’t know he was going to have another heart attack the next day but it just felt the right thing to say at that moment. It’s not easy for fathers and sons to talk about emotions together. I’m so glad I said what I did.

I can remember the moment as if it was yesterday. It wasn’t intended as a final goodbye but, in hindsight, my final words to him couldn’t have been much better.

It was a real honour to pay tribute to his memory by delivering a eulogy at the funeral. There were about 130 people there which I thought summed up how popular he was with so many in the community. I finished with this.

Dad, if all the fathers in the world had lined up one by one,
And God told me to take my pick, I’d still choose to be your son.

I’m proud I had a father, who listened and understood,
Who taught me how to live my life, in a way that was so good.

Dad, you are my hero, My role model – that is true.
So Dad, if I could pick again, You know I’d still pick you.

I also took great comfort from the kindness shown by so many. If you were one of those, I thank you with every ounce of my heart. It felt good to know people cared.

There was a window of opportunity for a particular family wound to be healed after dad died but the person proved to be the same as they’d always been – sneering, condescending, disrespectful and lacking the basics of self-awareness. It was a real shame but the chapter is now firmly closed and they’ve been airbrushed out forever.

One the most emotional nights for me in the past 12 months came in October when dad wasn’t there to see a major event in my life. It was one he was desperately looking forward to but I managed to hold it together. I hope he was looking down from The Grand Lodge Above with a smile and great pride – just as I was thinking of him every step of the way.

Life goes on – which is how dad would’ve wanted it. The tears come at odd moments – same goes for mum – but you just carry on. Dad taught me many great values, among them being the ability to smile even in the darkest moments. I joked on Facebook the day he died that God had got himself a bargain on Transfer Deadline Day. Stuff like that got me through the worst time of my life.

I’m sure he also had a chuckle to himself when mum’s phone beeped as the coffin was about to go into the church and panic set in as she tried to turn it off. As I said, sometimes in these dreadful occasions you have to bluster through with a smile.

Writing about him makes me sad but also makes me happy. Maybe this isn’t the proper platform to do it but, if you’ve reached this far without getting bored, then perhaps you too understand.

I remember a true gentleman who gave every breath he had to try and make the world a better place. Of course it’s a sadder place without him here but I take comfort that he’s at peace – wherever that final destination is.

Dad – if by some chance you can see this – you genuinely were amazing. I love you and miss you and always will xxx

***

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 25th January

I recently bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav.

It’s not great though.

It keeps telling me to turn around.

And every now and then it falls apart.

+++

My ex girlfriend once caught me blow drying my penis.

She asked what I was doing.

Apparently “heating your dinner” was not the right answer.

+++

In The News

There’s been uproar in the papers as British TV may soon show adverts for abortion.

I thought it already did.

“The Jeremy Kyle Show.”

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when posing for the camera in dramatic fashion is not always the best idea.

+++

My mate’s wife is desperate to lose weight.

She’s on three different diets.

Because she doesn’t get enough food on one.

+++

Parenting Skills (1)

***

Parenting Skills (2)

+++

#crapjokecorner

Never do drugs with your shoelaces undone.

You’ll be tripping all night.

+++

In The News

Much furore on t’internet last week as Gary Glitter joined Twitter.

Rumour has it that it was just a social media experiment and not actually the vile, scumbag wanker himself.

My favourite Tweet on the subject was from a comedian called Peter Serafinowicz.

Loved the fact that whoever was behind the ‘OfficialGlitter’ account either didn’t get the joke or just played along here.

***

And, on a similar theme, here’s an update from Adobe.

***

Quite staggering that I’ve reached 2,500+ followers on Twitter.

Not bad, I suppose, for a nobody.

You can follow me here.

It helps when a tweet gets retweeted by a lot of people (100+) as this one from me did last week.

Yes – a pointless tweet as you can see.

***

I hope they make “Twitter: The Movie”.

It would be like Facebook film ”The Social Network.”

But with fewer characters.

BOOM!

+++

This is brilliant.

Wow. Absolute wow.

+++

Avalanche.

It’s what Italian people do at mid day.

+++

In The News

A 28-year-old mum of four has been banned from every nightclub in her home town – after being told she is TOO OLD to wear skimpy outfits.

Furious Lisa Woodman was barred from three venues, including Tramps, because of her low-cut tops, short skirts and knee-length boots.

The 5ft 3in blonde admits she likes to flaunt her size 6 figure and 36DD boobs. She was left in tears on New Year’s Eve when doormen turned her away and told her: “You’re too old to wear that get-up.”

Lisa has also been banned from two other Worcester nightclubs which are owned by the same company until she tones down her appearance.

Full story here.

A trampy woman banned from Tramps – oh the irony!

She has a face only a mum could love – and even that’s debatable.

Yes she is rough as arseholes but, let’s face it chaps, we’ve all probably done worse.

+++

In The News

Meanwhile, on advertising boards in Australia…

Oops.

+++

Top Tips For Women

Make light of your PMS by simply adding an ‘L’ at the end.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your thumb makes a female friend look like a transvestite.

+++

Type ‘define an English person’ into Google and see what the top search result is.

How dare they ?!

+++

Posing for the camera.

With invisible scissors.

And so it continues.

+++

A stunning waste of time but deserves sharing.

Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

I hope Lionel Richie appreciates this.

+++

Happy (belated) Birthday to lovely Kel.

And why not celebrate with a beautiful cake?

We’ll file this one under: Only In Telford.

+++

“Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool.

I lost my cool once – and it killed my career.”

They were the words of:

LL J

+++

Tattoo Of The Week

At least wipe first!

***

When people question me as to why I don’t have Tattoos, I ask them:

“Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”

+++

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

The electrician is stomping around the house swearing.

I think he’s blown a fuse.

***

I was nervous about stealing from the plumber.

But I finally took the plunge.

+++

They employ some really ugly people in the BBC.

What’s the old saying?

Oh yes.

A Great Face For Radio.

Yes, that really is DJ Wanker, aged 22.

And for those who actually know me………

Stop. Fucking. Laughing.

+++

I’ve got a great joke about shoehorns.

I just wish I knew how to get it into conversations.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you overdo the fake tan.

+++

Want to see some utterly shite rapping, gangsta-styleeeeeeee?

***

FACT: Rap is 75% Crap

+++

Silly Photo Of The Week

Here you go.

+++

I’ve recently been on a first aid course.

The instructor asked me: “What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?”

“I’ll climb in through the window” was not the right answer.

+++

Text Message Of The Week

If you’re going to take the piss, be prepared for a sharp comeback.

Brilliant.

+++

In The News

The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy.

More details to come as the story develops.

***

Silly Kodak.

They should have invented a camera with a phone on it.

***

I’m glad Kodak has gone bankrupt.

I always thought he was a rubbish, lollipop-sucking detective.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 27th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 28th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

This is how busy we were on Saturday at Pussycats.

Chock-a-block in the main room!

***

Don’t get me started on what some of the clubbers look like.

Times change, fashions change.

Here’s a question though…

***

A new nightclub has opened in Telford. (*)

I think it has cornered the market.

Giving the locals what they want.

(*) It hasn’t really.

+++

I tried to change my password to ‘TheOnlyWayIsEssex’ recently.

But, apparently, it contains too many useless characters.

+++

There is nothing better than a perfectly timed photo.

Here’s a tourist posing on holiday.

Fuck knows what the cyclist was doing.

+++

In The News

An 84-year-old great-grandmother has been arrested for streaking at The Chelsea Flower Show.

On the bright side, however, she won first prize for her dried arrangement.

+++

Dad?

Yes?

Can we go to the park please?

No, you’ve been a very naughty boy.

Oh please dad.

Okay then. I know just the place…

I bet he didn’t have a GRATE time there.

(It’s okay, I can hear you groaning. In fact, you sound properly CHEESED off.)

+++

In The News

A damaged 18th century vase has sold for £80,000.

Blimey, if that’s second hand imagine what a new one would cost.

+++

What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

***

What is it with people taking photos in the mirror?

They often do it in the bathroom, showing off their phone.

Meanwhile, back in the olden days…

Yes kids – phones used to look like that!

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,500 views – if you missed it, it’s here. http://wp.me/plv9K-14B

+++

I think we’re just going to have to accept that the Vengabus is not coming.

+++

Did you realise that a woman saying: “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man saying: “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard slips one up the backdoor of team mate Wayne Rooney while the granny-shagger noshes off Aaron Ramsey with trouble-making rabble-rouser Patrice Evra having a good perv.

As you do.

On the pitch.

+++

Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?

I’ve made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and I’m worried I’ll end up owning Nottingham Forest.

+++

My ex once said she wanted a Brazilian downstairs.

We ended up with Pele as a lodger.

+++

In The News

Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.

+++

I’ve skilfully and deliberately missed EastEnders for about 20 years.

I wonder what happened last week?

A quick catch up courtesy of Super Massive Raver

+++

Nothing wrong with this next photo.

Just good people on a night out.

It’s not the full photo though.

I cropped it.

Want to see the rest?

AWKWARD!!

+++

I went for a routine check up last week and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum.

Ouch!

Do you think I should change dentists?

***

It’s about time I took a visit to the opticians.

Been a while for sure.

When you get to my age it’s worth keeping tabs on your eyesight.

My mate lives near Newcastle and he’s suggested visiting his bloke.

They do it slightly differently up there.

Have you ever wondered what a Geordie opticians is like?

Well you can wonder no more.

“Ho’waay son, just read this reet little chart…”

+++

Sean Connery certainly has found his niche.

She was in the back garden, chatting with his nephew.

+++

And finally… I bumped into Heather Mills McCartney the other day.

Well I didn’t meet her.

I just saw her car.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 18th January

I’m sorry to start with some very sad news.

The man who created the chain of Odeon cinemas has died.

He was 91.

His funeral is next Thursday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

+++

The word of the day is:

Scapabobididdywiddilydoobapbapaphobia

It means:

The fear of freestyle jazz.

***

I was going to buy a book on phobias.

But I was afraid it wouldn’t help.

+++

“Hello, is that Social Services?”

+++

A girlfriend once said to me: “I bet you can’t go a day without making a joke about my period.”

“You’re on,” I said.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you put blusher on without using a mirror.

Or in the dark.

And your mate doesn’t point it out.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I’ve bought a friend of mine a new fridge.

You should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

+++

A belated Christmas moment.

What the absolute fook?

+++

My mate bet me £100 I wouldn’t take five Viagra tablets at once.

I thought: ”How hard can it be?”

+++

Angela Merkel is the Chancellor of Germany.

She hates practical jokes.

Let’s face it, not too many Germans are well known for their sense of humour.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy has played a trick on her.

He bought her a present – some hand cream.

It was actually Super Glue.

+++

Due to a water shortage in Shropshire, Telford swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

+++

What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

***

How to pose properly.

Or badly.

This chap is helping you ladies.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when an animal tries to take a photo of itself.

Use a mirror!

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I went to the allotment last week and found someone had covered it with two inches of soil.

I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another two inches of soil.

Hmmmm.

The plot thickens.

+++

My best mate is Phil.

He’s a cheeky sod sometimes.

When he crashed at mine for a couple of years weeks, he burst in on me while I had company.

He couldn’t resist taking a photo of me on the job.

Awkward indeed.

***

She’s a big lass.

A bit of a porker.

You should’ve seen the porker’s face.

(Lost in translation, obviously.)

+++

Ann Summers are now selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their bits.

Campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.

+++

Looking for a present for the chav slut in your life?

Well look no more.

Thank you, Nike.

What the absolute fook?

+++

Random thought

Why do blind people wear sunglasses?

+++

Back to photo posing.

People and their invisible scissors.

Why, why, why?

+++

”And the Anti-OCD finalists 2012 in no particular order are…”

+++

Listen love.

This isn’t a paperweight.

Your son is gay.

He just hasn’t told you.

+++

In The News 1

They have now discovered a cure for a headache and earache.

Stay single.

+++

In The News 2

All the big stories from the Eastern Daily Press.

I’m guessing it was a slow news day.

***

In The News 3

A sub editor at the Belfast Telegraph has dropped a bollock here.

You don’t put adverts like that next to stories like that.

Dream Holiday – oops.

***

And it’s not much better at The Guardian.

One of their sub editors must hate The Queen.

+++

I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the TV presenter said:

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now it’s all kicked off.

* OR *

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

Said Mr Andre about his former wife.

***

Thank goodness for webuyanyship.com

+++

Silly Photo Of The Week

Singer Cee-Lo Green has a great voice.

His album is superb.

This is pointless but made me smile.

+++

Random Thought

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

+++

Rest.

In.

Peace.

Let this be a lesson to you disbelievers!

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 20th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 21st – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

+++

I hope Lisa Stansfield claimed all of her air miles.

And has she found her baby yet?

(A gag purely for those who can remember chart-topping hits from 1989. I didn’t say it was funny.)

+++

Deal Of The Week

For stupid people, obviously.

+++

The Football Association have issued a new directive.

Any Leicester City Liverpool player passing the ball to Jermaine Beckford Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.

PS. This joke has been edited after Leicester City thrashed Notts Forest 4-0 on Tuesday night thanks to Jermaine Beckford’s hat-trick and, of course, the sublime, silky skills of Bentley’s Roof favourite Richie Wellens.

PPS. Guess which team I support?

+++

Regular readers will be aware of my opinions on tattoos.

I can’t stand them.

This one is beyond belief.

I bet this woman is a total c**t.

***

It’s a relatively modern fashion to have tattoos in a different language.

You have to be careful.

It can all go horribly wrong.

Thanks to the person who commented on this photo.

***

Let’s have some social media satire.

Brilliant.

***

I was never bored as a kid.

I never get bored now.

To be honest, I can’t understand how anyone gets bored.

But, hey, people do.

And they post stuff like this on Facebook.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

If you were to ask me if I could do a decent giraffe impression, I’d probably stick my neck out and say yes.

+++

Text Message Of The Week

Hi Sarah my love.

Enjoy your night at yoga and Weight Watchers.

Our little soldier Ryan is behaving himself.

Had to change his nappy though.

Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner.

It’ll be ready for when you’re home.

See you later.

Love from your darling husband x

PS. Here’s what’s on the menu.

***

I think you need a babysitter.

But probably not this one.

I suspect that’s fake but, if not, simply brilliant.

In a bad way.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,800 views – if you missed it, it’s here http://wp.me/plv9K-13V

OVER FOUR THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED – THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS !!

+++

Peaches Geldof has over 125,000 people following her on Twitter.

She’s a bit like Jesus.

Relying on her Dad’s fame to get more followers.

+++

Having debates with religious people about, erm, religion can be a challenging exercise.

Scientific proof is often disregarded.

It’s their view – they say – which is fact.

Here’s an example of how they explain things.

+++

Breaking News

Outdoor retailer Millets has gone into administration.

Now is the winter of our discount tent.

+++

I met a 94-year-old guy last week who was one of the first British soldiers on the beach at Dunkirk in World War 2. He was a real inspiration and no-one should ever take the piss out of people like that because they’re what make this country great.

Respect for older people is lacking.

And because of that, I make no comment on this next picture.

Apart from… what the bloody hell is going on here?

+++

Men vs Women

Hi. I am a Woman. I will say one thing but then want something totally different.

For example, I’ll ask for cheese on toast but really I want fish and chips. And when I don’t get what I want, even though I never asked for it, I’ll go on Facebook to cry, bitch and moan that no one understands me. I will then claim that all men are wankers.

Hi. I am a Man. I will say I want cheese on toast because that’s what I want.

***

What she says:

“I don’t want to talk about it”

What she means:

“I’d like to argue about this for a week.”

+++

I’m having some of these serviettes printed.

I can see it being a winner.

Especially for the alcoholics.

(That’s for you, Frank the Tank.)

+++

I went in a sex shop and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost.

She’s sitting on a small fortune.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a chav family take the kids to Disney.

Ah bless you little princess.

Now get back to your rat-infested council estate.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I don’t care what he’s done, I’m still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender.

Better the Breville you know.

+++

There’s nothing wrong with taking photos on holiday.

Here are some friends on the beach.

There is nothing remotely funny about that picture.

Just a few mates enjoying themselves.

Have to be honest – I did crop the photo.

There’s more to it.

Brace yourselves.

EEK!

PUT IT AWAY, SIR !!

+++

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.

+++

Don’t type the word “increased” into Google.

The top suggestion might make you wretch.

Oh go on then.

I know you want to see…

GOOGLE

+++

And finally… I bet you can’t say “Irish Wristwatch” without messing it up the first time.

There you go – you messed it up, right?

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 11th January

My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off…

+++

People who think it’s okay to let their animals smoke cannabis really need to get down off their high horse.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you get seated next to Andy from Little Britain on a very long coach journey.

+++

A new study has revealed that Nottingham is the ‘gun crime’ capital of England.

I’ll tell you what that place needs…

A sheriff.

+++

Crowd surfing can be dangerous.

You often see it at rock gigs.

Anyone can do it.

Although some have to be more careful than others.

+++

A top tip for those trying to lose weight.

Avoid that temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

+++

Pointless Photos Posted On Facebook

It’s Christmas.

You’re surrounded by family and friends.

What could be better than a picture of you all?

Hang on.

Was this one really worth putting on Facebook?

I imagine all are big fans of Blur.

+++

Whenever I listen to Dizzee Rascal, I put a nappy on, climb into a pram and shit myself.

Some people think I’m bonkers.

But I just think I’m three.

+++

Things Not To Say To A DJ

+++

In The News 1

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting five times.

He was cautioned for pinching cheese and wine from Tesco.

A Tesco spokesman (didn’t) say: “If Antony Worrall Thompson had put the cheese in his pocket more Caerphilly then he might have got away with it.”

***

That ironic moment when AWT is asked to tip the contents of his bag onto the table.

I’m loving the sub editor at The Sun who put the AWT story above an advert which said: “£5 off Tesco shopping. Including legally obtained cheese.” Brilliant.

***

I once had a great fruit cake at Antony Worrall Thompson’s restaurant.

It was Stollen.

#toocleverformostofyou

***

Best headline: Ready, Steady, Crook.

Hang on.

The jury for AWT are back.

***

Apparently Jonathan Ross also has an addiction to shoplifting.

But he preferred to steal kitchen implements.

It was a whisk he could not resist.

+++

In The News 2

Fashion label La Redoute has faced embarrassment after a picture of a naked man walking into shot behind four children was published on its website.

Oops.

Bit of a cock-up.

+++

In The News 3

Bob Holness, former host of daytime quiz show Blockbusters, died last week.

He was 83.

***

Amy Winehouse was the first person to meet Bob at the pearly gates.

“Can I have an E please, Bob?”

***

I broke the sad news to a mate about Bob Holness.

“Who is Bob Holness?” he said.

“He was in Blockbusters,” I replied.

“Fucking hell,” said my mate. “Was he taking a video back?”.

+++

In The News 4

The body of a young woman has been found at Sandringham – the estate where the Queen and the Royal Family spend every Christmas.

I see that Prince Philip didn’t fuck about with a car chase this time.

+++

In The News 5 (sport section)

Paul Scholes came out of retirement to play for Manchester United as Thierry Henry made a sensational return to Arsenal, scoring the winner against Leeds in the FA Cup.

As he walked into the Emirates Stadium, four and a half years after leaving for Barcelona, Henry checked out the Arsenal trophy cabinet.

“Ahhh,” he said. “Exactly as I left it.”

+++

In The News 6

Beyonce and Jay-Z revealed that the singer had given birth to a daughter last week.

They named the girl Blue Ivy. (Which sounds like a 1980s-style aftershave to me.)

They have yet to give the waiting world a photo.

But I can exclusively reveal what the kid looks like.

A spitting image of mum and dad.

+++

In The News 7

The Only Way Is Essex stars Maria Fowler and Harry Derbridge have confirmed they’ve left the show.

The pair revealed their exits on Twitter, with both of them hinting that they have different projects lined up for the future.

I look forward to seeing both at work in the future.

I hope they get my order right #happymealwithaMcFlurryplease

Some bloke called Mario from TOWIE is coming to Pussycats in Telford on Saturday 4th February and, as the main room DJ there, it’s quite possible I will get to meet him.

I. AM. SO. VERY. EXCITED.

I. CANNOT. CONTAIN. MY. ENTHUSIASM.

No – I’ve never heard of him either.

***

Recreate the magic of Super Mario in your own home by calling out a plumber and leaving a trail of £1 coins to the sink.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker this weekend:

Fri 13th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 14th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

+++

Im getnig relaly fsat at trypnig no;w

***

I haev craeted thsi speical wya of tpyign that onyl stipud poelpe cna raed

***

Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammer?

(Yes, yes, yes – I do know. That’s the whole point of it!)

***

As the old saying goes…

‘I’ before ‘E’ except after “Old MacDonald Had A Farm.”

***

I would rather cuddle then have sex.

If you’re good with grammar, you’ll understand it.

+++

And the award for ‘Silly Photo Of The Week’ goes to…

+++

Never take the P out of a pirate.

Because it will make him angry.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your dog looks like Chewbacca.

+++

+++

A little break from the random silly nonsense for a moment if you please. Just because I’m nice I shall share this with you:

“Hi Geoff, I am after a favour and some support really. I took inspiration from your tragic loss of your father last year and it touched me quite a lot. My father has been unwell for a number of years and I am this year running the London marathon for ‘Kidney Research UK’ (my dad has kidney failure).

“I wonder if you could dedicate a little piece in your blog (I’m a massive fan) or on your page to promote my sponsorship (I need to raise £1800) and every £ counts! You can read my story of why I am doing it on my sponsorship page. Thanks, Matt.”

I’ve stuck a tenner in the pot – I shall leave it up to you if you wish to do the same:

http://www.kidneyresearchukevents.org/mattdickenson

+++

+++

Breaking News

A violent criminal broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house this week and attacked all the contestants.

Police say they’re struggling to identify the victims.

***

Natasha Giggs is one of the contestants this year.

She’s the lass who slept with her brother-in-law Ryan, the Manchester United winger, for eight years.

It’s funny seeing her on Channel 5. Just like Ryan will be in a few weeks.

***

I thought the Manchester derby in the FA Cup on Sunday was a fabulous advertisement for the Europa League.

+++

My thanks to former Big Brother winner Brian Belo – a lovely, sweet bloke who came to Pussycats a few years ago – for helping this tweet (a rehash of an old joke) get over 100 retweets at the weekend.

***

If you wonder what Brian is like, here he is on The Weakest Link.

Anne: “Are you sure World War 2 was after World War 1?” Brian: “Is that a trick question?”

Brian: “I don’t want to make myself look stupid.”

Brian: “I don’t know about wars and stuff because when I was at school I didn’t really study geography.”

Comedy gold.

***

I’ve also taken a screenshot of Brian’s computer.

I hope he doesn’t mind.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page for this page

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,250 views – if you missed it, it’s here

+++

I went out with a girl once and asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

She said something with diamonds would be nice.

Her face was priceless when she ripped off the wrapping paper and saw I’d bought…

A packet of playing cards.

+++

Bargain Of The Week

Get yourself down to Gamestation.

They’re really pushing the boat out with the big offers.

Cheers for that, guys.

+++

Hello mirror, it’s me.

Well it isn’t me, it’s them.

It’s always good to see what the back of a phone looks like.

Or it isn’t.

With my apologies to Meg, Dan, Batch, Georgie, Frankie, Sinead and others.

That’s Sinead on the bottom right.

Just in case you wondered.

#greatpuppies

+++

You this read wrong.

+++

West Brom fan?

Thinking of getting a tattoo?

Want it to look like a Baggies shirt?

Awful, I know.

Still, it could’ve been worse.

Coventry, Derby, Notts Forest, Man Utd etc [delete as applicable]

+++

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got an abnormal curvature of the upper spine.

+++

Memo to council planning departments:

If you’re thinking of building a car park, give it plenty of thought.

You might want to avoid a cock up.

Like this.

+++

My ex used to moan at me to say ‘I did’ instead of ‘I done’ because it’s not proper grammar.

And that was easier said than did.

+++

Buying the right Christmas present is never easy.

I know what this next bloke is thinking.

“Shit, I’ve already got one. I hope they kept the receipt.”

+++

A secret is something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

+++

A job interview can be a scary experience.

You want to appear keen but not desperate.

You want to appear fun but not mental.

Let me present to you…

…the World’s Fastest Job Interview.

+++

#reallycrapjokecorner

I met the man who invented window sills this week.

He’s such a ledge!

+++

Be careful, kids.

We don’t want you getting arthritis.

Here are some human beings with their invisible scissors.

***

Even celebrities get in the act, too.

Here are actors Adam Thomas (Waterloo Road and Emmerdale), his brother Ryan (Coronation Street) and Dean Gaffney (EastEnders) along with their Blazin Squad pal, Kenzie.

Gaffney’s pouting and Kenzie’s got the scissors thing going on.

***

Oh hello Twitter.

Who’s following me?

Good old Gaffney.

+++

A top tip for men.

Treat women with dignity and respect.

Bitches love that shit

+++

Feeling hungry?

Get chomping on these bad boys.

Fish flavour also available.

+++

This next woman has eaten too many of them.

In fact she’s probably eaten too much of everything.

And she’s shamelessly posing in the bathroom.

With a photo in the mirror.

Which she posted on Facebook.

Shawn’s comment at the bottom had me roaring!

+++

True story – when I was 16, I was the DJ at Enderby Social Club and I also called the bingo on a Saturday night.

The best thing about calling bingo?

When I turned the microphone on, a room full of women instantly shut the fuck up.

+++

There is nothing finer than a perfectly timed photo.

But not if you’re the one caught in the act.

Too much to drink?

Boozing on an empty stomach?

Never mind, just smile for the camera with your mates.

Oh shit.

Too late.

+++

We’re so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your baby bump looks like your mirror.

* Much love to the wonderful Sam Bullock here – may your pregnancy be smooth and successful. So glad you posted that photo on Facebook though x

+++

I once met a girl with a plasticine fanny.

I didn’t sleep with her.

But I think I made an impression.

+++

And finally… my daughter asked me where’s the most dangerous place on earth?

I’m stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 4th January

Hello and welcome along to my new-look page.

It’s all change as The DJ Wanker Blog has vanished into internet history – being replaced by something completely different.

Yes, it’s fresh for 2012 and totally unlike anything I’ve done before.

[Okay - apart from the name change it's the same old rubbish repackaged in a slightly different box but new readers won't know any different so let's not spoil the illusion for them.]

It’s a one-stop emporium of lame jokes, daft pictures, made-up gubbins, bizarre waffle and other ridiculous stuff I’ve cobbled together to try and distract you for five minutes from your sad, humdrum existence.

If you don’t like bits of it or all of it, feel free to avoid popping along to read future ones. It’s okay – I don’t take it personally.

So it’s a new year, it’s a new me, it’s a new you. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day… and I’m feeling good.

Here we go then with some RANDOM SILLY NONSENSE!

+++

I hope you all had an enjoyable and prosperous festive season.

It’s that time of year when families gather to remember why they spend the rest of the year apart.

+++

My New Year’s resolutions are:

1. Stop making lists.
C. Be more consistent.
8. Learn to count.

+++

Sad news from the world of Showbiz.

Russell Brand and Katy Perry are to end their marriage.

I can’t wait for Russell’s new book:

‘My Divorcey Worcey’.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when dad stands in the wrong place at Animal Kingdom.

The dad looks pleased – not so sure about the mum.

+++

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas.

So I went to the local pet shop and they were £70!

SEVENTY BLOODY QUID!

Blow this, I thought.

I ended up getting a much cheaper one off the web.

+++

No one fails to pull over Christmas.

I needed a gimmick to help.

I thought this festive treat might reel in the ladies.

No luck, sadly.

And it was me who was left feeling a dick.

***

I went shopping for presents in Telford before Christmas.

They only sell this in the area.

It’s because the place is full of single mums.

I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.

***

The Barbie range has grown over the years.

This was also on sale in the area.

It’s because the place is full of drunken sluts.

Again, I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.

***

Here’s another modern present for the youth of today.

Too late for Christmas but an idea for a birthday.

So if you know a weed-smoking, spoilt, lazy, useless fucking prick who can’t handle hot beverages at a Drive-Thru someone who likes a visit to McDonalds, then this could be right up their street.

Corporate brainwashing at its finest.

***

I’m thinking of opening a drive-thru brothel.

There’s bound to be a lot of coming and going.

***

Sorry lad.

But I think you need to give MaccyD’s a rest.

You might just grow up to be the Michelin Man.

+++

Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

+++

Why Do They Do That?

The modern trend – thanks to the rise of Facebook – is to take photos of yourself in the mirror.

It’s taking being vain to a new level.

Hey – look at us!

+++

My mate told me that if he has any more kids, he’s going to name them after Charlie instead of Thora.

I asked: “Why’s that then?”

His reply…

“Children should be Sheen and not Hird.”

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when it looks like you have a long penis.

+++

I once tried to buy a town in the south of France.

The locals were Avignon of it.

+++

This is just stupid.

Photoshopped and stupid.

But well worth sharing with you.

+++

Five things I want to do before I die

Girls Aloud.

Okay, I’ll stick at four.

Sorry Nicola.

+++

Women are such bitter creatures, aren’t they?

This one asked her other half what he thought of Prince William’s sister-in-law Pippa Middleton and if her arse was the best he’d ever seen.

The poor bloke said yes – Pippa is a hottie.

She didn’t take the news too kindly.

***

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Or with a spray can.

Yes, she found out about your affair mate.

Here was another one who took the news rather badly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

+++

LeAnn Rimes.

No it doesn’t.

+++

Why Do They Do That?

Posing for a photo has changed.

In the old days, you’d just smile.

Now you have to up the ante.

It’s all about invisible scissors.

+++

Over the festive season, I saw this headline:

“Prince Philip gets Operation for Christmas.”

I’d have thought he’d be too old for games like that but, to be fair, it is a classic.

+++

In The News

This poor old chap couldn’t work out why no-one ever replied to his letters.

It only took him a couple of years to figure out why.

Oh shit.

+++

Congratulations (and celebrations) to Cliff Richard.

The 71 year old has enjoyed a successful Christmas.

His calendar for 2012 was a best seller.

That’s nice.

But he and his fans are now so old, it only goes up to August.

+++

It’s time for the January sales.

You’ve already spunked a load of money you can’t afford on Christmas presents.

Now you can get further into debt buying stuff you don’t really need for less than what it was a few weeks ago.

Here’s a bargain for you.

***

I imagine Harry Potter fans were queuing up for them.

For the record, I’ve never read the books or seen the films.

Nor do I ever plan to.

IT’S FOR KIDS.

Some Potter fans take their love for Harry a little far.

Check out this freak with her broomstick.

***

The magic of Harry Potter has spread across the world.

In the Far East, there is a Potter-themed kids play area.

I’m not sure if Harry is flying here or knocking one out.

You decide.

***

Those Potter kids have grown up fast.

They’re almost unrecognisable from the little cherubs who started out.

I wonder what Emma, Daniel and Rupert are like these days.

+++

I bought my mate Cluedo for Christmas.

It was the ‘Swingers Edition’.

Turns out they all did it, in every room.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

Random thought.

If someone is ugly, you call them a stalker.

If the person is good looking, you call them a secret admirer.

+++

Things People Post On Facebook

“Yh ryt dis woz me n me m8 out shoppin.

We fort itd be a gud idea to hav a pik ov dis.

We woz jus messin arownd n ting.

We iz lyk wel kewl.

Init.”

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and you might also want to ‘like’ this Facebook page

+++

My ex girlfriend used to use a carrot to masturbate.

Presumably, to stop her going blind.

+++

Here’s a question for you.

This next bloke is married…

…but can you guess the name of his wife?

It’s a tough one.

Ten points for the correct answer.

***

They say – whoever ‘they’ are – that tattoos can make you sexier.

I disagree.

Tattoos are shit.

I have no idea if this is Brenda.

+++

I’m still puzzled by the strange, varying gifts I received for Christmas.

A regular calculator, a scientific calculator and an abacus.

Something doesn’t add up.

+++

Dad Of The Year 2012

This man is in the running.

He’s among the favourites.

I’m sure every self-respecting parent takes their young daughter to a pub to watch scantily-clad tarts parading up and down the catwalk while hollering encouragement at the sexy bints.

+++

I don’t really understand the lure of strip clubs.

You give a woman all your money and she won’t sleep with you?

Sounds a lot like marriage to me.

+++

Of my obsession with Yoda my ex-girlfriend left me because.

+++

You can’t beat a bit of takeaway food.

Kebabs, burgers, pizzas etc.

I can’t quite make out the full number of this place.

It’s 488666 but I’m not sure of the area code.

Or the Subscriber Trunk Dialling code as it used to be called.

STD for short, of course.

Some great pizza offers here.

Catch them while you can…

Pizza that stays with you – even after it’s gone.

Mmmm hot and fresh.

+++

My ex-girlfriend is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well listen love, three can play at that game.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when pop star Rihanna feeds her assistant with an invisible penis.

I apologise for such a terrible caption – I’m such a rude boy.

+++

Women say: “Child birth is one of the most painful things in the world.”

Well they obviously haven’t ever sneezed while having a piss.

+++

And finally… my ex-girlfriend was really self-conscious about the size of her pussy lips.

Personally, I didn’t see why she was flapping so much.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

.

.

WEDNESDAY 21st December

.

I haven’t received a greetings card from one single Ethiopian.

Do They Know It’s Christmas?

+++

When I go bowling I register my name on the board as ‘Three Testicles’.

That way the TV occasionally says:

“Congratulations Three Testicles! You got a spare.”

+++

Sad news.

Nativity plays in Telford have been cancelled again.

Probably because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

(Apologies for repeating the same joke for the last five years.)

+++

The Nativity – United Kingdom, 2011.

+++

I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies.

She’ll have a fit when she finds out.

+++

Spelling fail.

Well at least I hope that’s the case.

***

I wonder if Satan gets loads of letters from dyslexic kids?

+++

Christmas: one woman’s lie about having an affair that spiralled massively out of control.

+++

Some kids don’t like meeting Santa.

They REALLY don’t like it.

+++

I’m going to do my bit to care for the homeless this Christmas.

I’ve got loads of cardboard boxes to give away.

+++

Stop.

Please stop.

You’re making yourself look like a chav.

+++

Save yourself the hassle of filming your family Christmas by inviting Peter Andre or Katie Price around for the big day.

+++

Where to send the children during the Christmas holidays?

No.

I think I’ll pass, thanks.

+++

For my free eBook “How not to get scammed this Christmas”, just send me £7.99 plus your bank account details and your mother’s maiden name.

+++

It’s the great Santa fun run.

Hang on a minute.

Who’s that who has joined in?

Listen mate, it’s not Easter yet.

***

What year did Jesus think it was when he was alive?

(Assuming you believe all that nonsense.)

***

Jesus in a dog’s arse.

Not in one but two.

***

Celebrate the birth of Jesus by enjoying several weeks of unfettered greed and consumerism.

I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted.

***

I’m really sorry about this.

But I’m going to ruin a story for you.

Spoiler alert.

+++

Obviously the blog is made up of jokes and stuff but let me, for once, share a true story which happened earlier this week.

During a visit to see my mum, she mentioned how much she liked Strictly Come Dancing and the name of Anita Dobson, one of the contestants, came up.

“Do you know who her famous husband is?” I asked.

“Isn’t she married to Freddie Mercury from Queen?” Mum replied.

“Close – but Freddie was gay and has been dead for 20 years. Apart from that…”

Bless her.

She also said: “Please don’t put that on your blog or Facebook or Twitter.”

Oops.

(Anita Dobson is married to Brian May from Queen – he’s not gay, he’s not Freddie and he’s still alive. Happy to be of assistance.)

***

Just to go off on a personal tangent here, thanks to everyone this year who have been really kind to me and my family after my dad – my absolute hero – died in January. He read the blog every week – as my dear old mum still does – and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me taking the piss. He was pretty good at that himself.

Last Christmas, just before he passed away, he sat at the dinner table, held up a bag of Brussels sprouts and with a deadpan straight-face said: “These are named after your mum.”

Miss you every day, dad. Hope you’re resting well.

* wipes a tear from the cheek – onwards we go…

+++

Ahhhhhh.

Dressing your pets up at Christmas.

Cute – but what’s the point really?

+++

A new Amy Winehouse album is out, just in time for Christmas.

Talk about flogging a dead horse.

+++

2011 – the year the devil gained new company.

There was Osama bin Laden.

Then Colonel Gaddafi.

Now it’s welcome to Hell for Kim Jong-Il.

***

Saying Kim Jong Il had a heart attack is like saying Jordan had a brain haemorrhage.

***

I don’t want to give Simon Cowell any ideas but…

***

Good news: Kim’s dead.

Bad news: It’s not one of the Kardashians.

***

According to a report, Kim Kardashian was the most googled celebrity last year.

No doubt due to people googling “Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian?”

+++

The rules of Santa.

+++

My pet centipede died last week.

It was very sad.

But he was on his last legs.

+++

What the fuck?

What the absolute fuck?

I know Christmas is for kids but this is just – well, odd.

Very odd.

+++

My ex-wife once said she had a knitting pattern for a pair of sunglasses.

I think she was trying to pull the wool over my eyes though.

+++

As seen in church.

Possibly a Catholic church.

Tut tut.

+++

Breaking News

Gary Glitter was rushed to hospital this week after being badly beaten up, but was pronounced dead on arrival.

Police described his condition as “Satisfactory”.

+++

Mummy.

MUMMY!!!!!!!

Get me out of this grotto!

NOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

***

Ah bless.

Parents in love.

Not sure the kids are impressed though.

+++

Google Earth is a quite incredible website.

All those streets and roads and amazing buildings and what’s the first thing you look for?

Your own house.

+++

It’s Christmas.

We’re allowed to drink too much.

And then fall asleep.

Even if you’re a dog in a pub.

+++

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time.

+++

Countdown Corner.

Can you get an eight letter word from these nine?

N I C E O T H E R

Erm, let me think.

Well I can get two words – NOTICE HER.

And when I notice Rachel Riley I get an…

+++

My ex-wife once told me to go out and get something that made her look sexy.

You should’ve seen her face when I came home drunk.

+++

Listen mate.

You’re getting too old for this Santa nonsense.

And you’re a bit fookin odd.

+++

I’ve got to say I was very disappointed with my UK Border Agency Advent Calendar.

All the doors were left open.

+++

Need a last minute homemade Christmas present?

I wouldn’t bother with this.

***

They are just for the Christmas period.

+++

I’ve got my mate a DVD for Christmas.

It’s called: “Hot and Horny Housewives Do Anal volume 3″.

Do you think he will understand what’s going on if he’s not seen volumes 1 and 2?

+++

Most toilets have a mirror above the sink.

But you don’t always need one.

Just a short message will do.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had almost 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here http://wp.me/plv9K-11T – thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supply material.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you let your child ride an animal.

Oops.

+++

I remember at school being bullied by kids who hit me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

+++

Need to buy some items for babies and kids?

Not sure this is the best place.

+++

I have to say the teachers strike in 2011 was well organised and expertly done.

It’s almost as if they had six weeks off in the summer to plan it.

+++

Here’s my Secret Santa present.

I can’t guess what it is.

I’m sure my jaw(s) will drop when I figure it out.

***

How can people be stupid enough to be eaten by a shark?

I mean, surely they can hear the music…

+++

Boys versus Girls.

I found it funny!

+++

Christmas is always a good time for fancy dress.

Choose something festive for your office party.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit camp.

I said a BIT camp.

Not fookin’ freaky!

+++

About to get caught having a wank?

Just shout: “Don’t come in, I’m wrapping presents”.

For info – this only works until Christmas Eve.

+++

Here are some more terrified kids.

Santa isn’t that scary is he?

+++

The vet looked at me and said: “I’m afraid your cat won’t last long. It’s the big C.”

“What? Cancer?” I replied.

“No,” he answered: “Curiosity.”

#veryclever

+++

That Magical Festive Moment

…when Father Christmas takes a decorative piss.

+++

Top Festive Tip

Enjoy a free weekend at a hotel over Christmas by arriving with a donkey and telling the owner your wife is pregnant.

+++

Breaking News.

“Man critical after Specsavers car park crash.”

He should have gone to… oh.

+++

And finally… I once took a lass back to my house for sex.

Twenty seconds into it, my cock went floppy.

She looked at me and said: “You can do better than this, surely?”

“Of course I can,” I said, before adding:

“But you shouldn’t put yourself down like that.”

***

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – the blog returns in 2012.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

.

.

WEDNESDAY 14th December

.

Good news for Narcoleptics.

Only 178 more sleeps until Christmas.

+++

Porn channels on the telly make me angry.

I just sit there shaking my fist.

+++

So what if I can’t spell armer-gedden?

It’s not the end of the world.

(Obviously I can spell ‘Armageddon’ correctly but… oh, never mind.)

+++

Merry Christmas from Snoop Dogg.

Look what his mum got him last year.

Fo shizzle with da bizzle in da hizzle.

Or something like that.

I have warned Snoop about mince pies.

They can be dangerous when you take them out of the oven.

Try not to drop them when they’re hot.

#snoophealthandsafety

***

That Awkward Moment

…when you go carol singing with Yoda.

***

Have you ever seen Yoda made out of Lego?

It’s a scary thing.

Especially if you’re a baby.

Shit scared, he is.

+++

Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.

+++

Some people use Christmas as an excuse to go away on holiday.

Get a bit of winter sun and all that.

Be careful though if you bump into people from Telford.

You’ll know who they are when you see their kids on the beach.

+++

Enjoy a “Deal or No Deal” style Christmas this year.

Number your presents 1-22 and then invite a bunch of raging fuckwits to open them for you.

+++

I’ve worked all over the UK as a DJ.

Had a spell in Wakefield back in 1998.

It wasn’t in this place.

Seems right up my street though.

+++

DJ Tiesto is crap.

Here’s the proof.

+++

Apparently, home vajazzle kits will be very popular this Christmas.

I somehow think my mum will prefer a voucher from M&S.

+++

Tesco fail.

Fuck it.

I’m going to Asda instead.

+++

I said to the dentist: “I want my teeth whiter.”

He said: “Have you tried polish?”

I said: “Chcieć moich zębów biały” and he ignored me.

(That’s for you, Magda Duszynska and Chris Lepkowski.)

+++

‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Dig out the festive lights.

Be careful not to go over the top.

#chavcentral

***

Less is often more.

I salute the people who live on the right.

Now THAT is how to decorate your house.

+++

Nothing says “We forgot your Christmas present” quite like a massive Toblerone from the 24-hour garage.

+++

How many Santas can you fit in a lift?

The answer is eight.

My deepest thanks to Daisy Bruce and her cohorts at Lincoln University for doing this.

Totally pointless, of course, but great skills.

I shall refrain from saying: ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho and ho.

Because they’re probably not.

+++

My girlfriend’s always helping me to keep fit.

Every time she mentions marriage, I run a fucking mile.

+++

This next picture gives me the creeps.

In fact it makes me shiver every time I look at it.

He’s a big fan of Chewbacca I suspect.

No, no and no. Just wrong.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when it looks like you’ve had a face transplant.

+++

People call me Mr Compromise.

It wasn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

+++

It’s only taken me 38 years but I’ve finally cracked it.

All this time being treated like shit by my disrespectful, sneering excuse for a sister and it could’ve been nipped in the bud when I was a child.

If only I’d stuck up for myself back then.

Kung-fu siblings!

Note: Play nicely, children.

+++

#oldjokeshome

I was going to buy a “Blue Peter” advent calendar this year.

Then I remembered I’d made one earlier.

+++

I’ll let you into a little secret.

I make a fortune every year with my export business.

Although I only have a short window of opportunity in the run-up to Christmas.

I sell blow-up snowmen to foreign countries.

Funnily enough, I only get orders from one country.

Germany.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when your baby meets a snowman for the first time.

+++

My girlfriend’s told me I’ve got to stop naming people after 1980′s pop stars.

She’s adamant.

(And I am, of course, her Prince Charming. Boom, tish, aaah.)

(Okay, I’m lying. I’m too ugly to have a girlfriend.)

+++

Oh Santa.

Please don’t wear this t-shirt when meeting kids.

And here he is with a young Gail from Corrie.

+++

I don’t know why Christians make such a big fuss about the ‘Ten Commandments’.

It’s not like the rules were set in stone.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had over 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here http://wp.me/plv9K-11p – thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supply material.

+++

Bargain of the Week

As spotted in Top Man.

What a great deal.

+++

#footballhumour

The new Manchester United fragrance this Christmas is Channel No5.

Arsenal are hoping to prise Samir Nasri away from Manchester City with the promise of Champions League football.

What’s blue and still fits? A Manchester City fan’s old Chelsea shirt.

+++

Fairground Ride Of The Week

Is it funny or wrong?

Or both?

+++

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Half of Essex/Liverpool/Newcastle etc.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when animals have sex.

+++

My new party trick:

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse, all tied up.

I shit you knot.

+++

Who invented porn?

A question often (mass) debated.

You’ll be surprised at the real answer.

+++

My best mate Phil and I buy cheap presents for each other at Christmas.

Last year, he got me some play dough.

I didn’t know what to make of it.

+++

Dear Santa,
I spotted a woman on the train the other day.
I want to get her a present for Christmas.
Well, I’d like to get her several presents.

1) A diet book
2) A mirror
3) A bra
4) Clothes that fit
5) Some self awareness

Thank you Santa,
Much love from DJ Wanker (aged 38 and a half)

+++

I wish I hadn’t bought a house in Grimsby.

Neighbours from Hull.

+++

Santa gives out presents.

He gives out balloons.

He has his photo taken with you.

Oh dear. Bad Santa.

Very bad Santa.

+++

You can learn many things from children.

Like how much patience you have, for example.

+++

I like honest people.

I like honest businesses.

I like businesses with a sense of humour.

Honesty doesn’t come much better than this.

+++

I don’t mind lesbians, actually.

They’re still women who won’t sleep with me.

But at least it’s nothing personal.

+++

A great game to play.

For girls only.

Smash some cocks, smash them hard

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your dog realises you haven’t got him a Christmas present.

+++

One reason why Santa has to be a man.

No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

+++

And finally… when I was a little boy, I used to think that earwigs actually lived in your ears.

Consequently I was terrified of cockroaches.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!