WEDNESDAY 25th January

I recently bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav.

It’s not great though.

It keeps telling me to turn around.

And every now and then it falls apart.

+++

My ex girlfriend once caught me blow drying my penis.

She asked what I was doing.

Apparently “heating your dinner” was not the right answer.

+++

In The News

There’s been uproar in the papers as British TV may soon show adverts for abortion.

I thought it already did.

“The Jeremy Kyle Show.”

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when posing for the camera in dramatic fashion is not always the best idea.

+++

My mate’s wife is desperate to lose weight.

She’s on three different diets.

Because she doesn’t get enough food on one.

+++

Parenting Skills (1)

***

Parenting Skills (2)

+++

#crapjokecorner

Never do drugs with your shoelaces undone.

You’ll be tripping all night.

+++

In The News

Much furore on t’internet last week as Gary Glitter joined Twitter.

Rumour has it that it was just a social media experiment and not actually the vile, scumbag wanker himself.

My favourite Tweet on the subject was from a comedian called Peter Serafinowicz.

Loved the fact that whoever was behind the ‘OfficialGlitter’ account either didn’t get the joke or just played along here.

***

And, on a similar theme, here’s an update from Adobe.

***

Quite staggering that I’ve reached 2,500+ followers on Twitter.

Not bad, I suppose, for a nobody.

You can follow me here.

It helps when a tweet gets retweeted by a lot of people (100+) as this one from me did last week.

Yes – a pointless tweet as you can see.

***

I hope they make “Twitter: The Movie”.

It would be like Facebook film ”The Social Network.”

But with fewer characters.

BOOM!

+++

This is brilliant.

Wow. Absolute wow.

+++

Avalanche.

It’s what Italian people do at mid day.

+++

In The News

A 28-year-old mum of four has been banned from every nightclub in her home town – after being told she is TOO OLD to wear skimpy outfits.

Furious Lisa Woodman was barred from three venues, including Tramps, because of her low-cut tops, short skirts and knee-length boots.

The 5ft 3in blonde admits she likes to flaunt her size 6 figure and 36DD boobs. She was left in tears on New Year’s Eve when doormen turned her away and told her: “You’re too old to wear that get-up.”

Lisa has also been banned from two other Worcester nightclubs which are owned by the same company until she tones down her appearance.

Full story here.

A trampy woman banned from Tramps – oh the irony!

She has a face only a mum could love – and even that’s debatable.

Yes she is rough as arseholes but, let’s face it chaps, we’ve all probably done worse.

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In The News

Meanwhile, on advertising boards in Australia…

Oops.

+++

Top Tips For Women

Make light of your PMS by simply adding an ‘L’ at the end.

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That Awkward Moment

…when your thumb makes a female friend look like a transvestite.

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Type ‘define an English person’ into Google and see what the top search result is.

How dare they ?!

+++

Posing for the camera.

With invisible scissors.

And so it continues.

+++

A stunning waste of time but deserves sharing.

Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

I hope Lionel Richie appreciates this.

+++

Happy (belated) Birthday to lovely Kel.

And why not celebrate with a beautiful cake?

We’ll file this one under: Only In Telford.

+++

“Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool.

I lost my cool once – and it killed my career.”

They were the words of:

LL J

+++

Tattoo Of The Week

At least wipe first!

***

When people question me as to why I don’t have Tattoos, I ask them:

“Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”

+++

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

The electrician is stomping around the house swearing.

I think he’s blown a fuse.

***

I was nervous about stealing from the plumber.

But I finally took the plunge.

+++

They employ some really ugly people in the BBC.

What’s the old saying?

Oh yes.

A Great Face For Radio.

Yes, that really is DJ Wanker, aged 22.

And for those who actually know me………

Stop. Fucking. Laughing.

+++

I’ve got a great joke about shoehorns.

I just wish I knew how to get it into conversations.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you overdo the fake tan.

+++

Want to see some utterly shite rapping, gangsta-styleeeeeeee?

***

FACT: Rap is 75% Crap

+++

Silly Photo Of The Week

Here you go.

+++

I’ve recently been on a first aid course.

The instructor asked me: “What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?”

“I’ll climb in through the window” was not the right answer.

+++

Text Message Of The Week

If you’re going to take the piss, be prepared for a sharp comeback.

Brilliant.

+++

In The News

The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy.

More details to come as the story develops.

***

Silly Kodak.

They should have invented a camera with a phone on it.

***

I’m glad Kodak has gone bankrupt.

I always thought he was a rubbish, lollipop-sucking detective.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 27th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 28th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

This is how busy we were on Saturday at Pussycats.

Chock-a-block in the main room!

***

Don’t get me started on what some of the clubbers look like.

Times change, fashions change.

Here’s a question though…

***

A new nightclub has opened in Telford. (*)

I think it has cornered the market.

Giving the locals what they want.

(*) It hasn’t really.

+++

I tried to change my password to ‘TheOnlyWayIsEssex’ recently.

But, apparently, it contains too many useless characters.

+++

There is nothing better than a perfectly timed photo.

Here’s a tourist posing on holiday.

Fuck knows what the cyclist was doing.

+++

In The News

An 84-year-old great-grandmother has been arrested for streaking at The Chelsea Flower Show.

On the bright side, however, she won first prize for her dried arrangement.

+++

Dad?

Yes?

Can we go to the park please?

No, you’ve been a very naughty boy.

Oh please dad.

Okay then. I know just the place…

I bet he didn’t have a GRATE time there.

(It’s okay, I can hear you groaning. In fact, you sound properly CHEESED off.)

+++

In The News

A damaged 18th century vase has sold for £80,000.

Blimey, if that’s second hand imagine what a new one would cost.

+++

What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

***

What is it with people taking photos in the mirror?

They often do it in the bathroom, showing off their phone.

Meanwhile, back in the olden days…

Yes kids – phones used to look like that!

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,500 views – if you missed it, it’s here. http://wp.me/plv9K-14B

+++

I think we’re just going to have to accept that the Vengabus is not coming.

+++

Did you realise that a woman saying: “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man saying: “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard slips one up the backdoor of team mate Wayne Rooney while the granny-shagger noshes off Aaron Ramsey with trouble-making rabble-rouser Patrice Evra having a good perv.

As you do.

On the pitch.

+++

Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?

I’ve made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and I’m worried I’ll end up owning Nottingham Forest.

+++

My ex once said she wanted a Brazilian downstairs.

We ended up with Pele as a lodger.

+++

In The News

Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.

+++

I’ve skilfully and deliberately missed EastEnders for about 20 years.

I wonder what happened last week?

A quick catch up courtesy of Super Massive Raver

+++

I went to see Scarface last week.

Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t too upset about Heidi Klum dumping him.

(My sincerest apologies to Seal for that poor taste mention. I feel quite guilty as I do like his work – but the gag made me laugh.)

+++

Nothing wrong with this next photo.

Just good people on a night out.

It’s not the full photo though.

I cropped it.

Want to see the rest?

AWKWARD!!

+++

I went for a routine check up last week and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum.

Ouch!

Do you think I should change dentists?

***

It’s about time I took a visit to the opticians.

Been a while for sure.

When you get to my age it’s worth keeping tabs on your eyesight.

My mate lives near Newcastle and he’s suggested visiting his bloke.

They do it slightly differently up there.

Have you ever wondered what a Geordie opticians is like?

Well you can wonder no more.

“Ho’waay son, just read this reet little chart…”

+++

Sean Connery certainly has found his niche.

She was in the back garden, chatting with his nephew.

+++

And finally… I bumped into Heather Mills McCartney the other day.

Well I didn’t meet her.

I just saw her car.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 18th January

I’m sorry to start with some very sad news.

The man who created the chain of Odeon cinemas has died.

He was 91.

His funeral is next Thursday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

+++

The word of the day is:

Scapabobididdywiddilydoobapbapaphobia

It means:

The fear of freestyle jazz.

***

I was going to buy a book on phobias.

But I was afraid it wouldn’t help.

+++

“Hello, is that Social Services?”

+++

A girlfriend once said to me: “I bet you can’t go a day without making a joke about my period.”

“You’re on,” I said.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you put blusher on without using a mirror.

Or in the dark.

And your mate doesn’t point it out.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I’ve bought a friend of mine a new fridge.

You should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

+++

A belated Christmas moment.

What the absolute fook?

+++

My mate bet me £100 I wouldn’t take five Viagra tablets at once.

I thought: ”How hard can it be?”

+++

Angela Merkel is the Chancellor of Germany.

She hates practical jokes.

Let’s face it, not too many Germans are well known for their sense of humour.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy has played a trick on her.

He bought her a present – some hand cream.

It was actually Super Glue.

+++

Due to a water shortage in Shropshire, Telford swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

+++

What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

***

How to pose properly.

Or badly.

This chap is helping you ladies.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when an animal tries to take a photo of itself.

Use a mirror!

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I went to the allotment last week and found someone had covered it with two inches of soil.

I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another two inches of soil.

Hmmmm.

The plot thickens.

+++

My best mate is Phil.

He’s a cheeky sod sometimes.

When he crashed at mine for a couple of years weeks, he burst in on me while I had company.

He couldn’t resist taking a photo of me on the job.

Awkward indeed.

***

She’s a big lass.

A bit of a porker.

You should’ve seen the porker’s face.

(Lost in translation, obviously.)

+++

Ann Summers are now selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their bits.

Campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.

+++

Looking for a present for the chav slut in your life?

Well look no more.

Thank you, Nike.

What the absolute fook?

+++

Random thought

Why do blind people wear sunglasses?

+++

Back to photo posing.

People and their invisible scissors.

Why, why, why?

+++

”And the Anti-OCD finalists 2012 in no particular order are…”

+++

Listen love.

This isn’t a paperweight.

Your son is gay.

He just hasn’t told you.

+++

In The News 1

They have now discovered a cure for a headache and earache.

Stay single.

+++

In The News 2

All the big stories from the Eastern Daily Press.

I’m guessing it was a slow news day.

***

In The News 3

A sub editor at the Belfast Telegraph has dropped a bollock here.

You don’t put adverts like that next to stories like that.

Dream Holiday – oops.

***

And it’s not much better at The Guardian.

One of their sub editors must hate The Queen.

+++

I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the TV presenter said:

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now it’s all kicked off.

* OR *

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

Said Mr Andre about his former wife.

***

Thank goodness for webuyanyship.com

+++

Silly Photo Of The Week

Singer Cee-Lo Green has a great voice.

His album is superb.

This is pointless but made me smile.

+++

Random Thought

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

+++

Rest.

In.

Peace.

Let this be a lesson to you disbelievers!

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 20th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 21st – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

+++

I hope Lisa Stansfield claimed all of her air miles.

And has she found her baby yet?

(A gag purely for those who can remember chart-topping hits from 1989. I didn’t say it was funny.)

+++

Deal Of The Week

For stupid people, obviously.

+++

The Football Association have issued a new directive.

Any Leicester City Liverpool player passing the ball to Jermaine Beckford Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.

PS. This joke has been edited after Leicester City thrashed Notts Forest 4-0 on Tuesday night thanks to Jermaine Beckford’s hat-trick and, of course, the sublime, silky skills of Bentley’s Roof favourite Richie Wellens.

PPS. Guess which team I support?

+++

Regular readers will be aware of my opinions on tattoos.

I can’t stand them.

This one is beyond belief.

I bet this woman is a total c**t.

***

It’s a relatively modern fashion to have tattoos in a different language.

You have to be careful.

It can all go horribly wrong.

Thanks to the person who commented on this photo.

***

Let’s have some social media satire.

Brilliant.

***

I was never bored as a kid.

I never get bored now.

To be honest, I can’t understand how anyone gets bored.

But, hey, people do.

And they post stuff like this on Facebook.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

If you were to ask me if I could do a decent giraffe impression, I’d probably stick my neck out and say yes.

+++

Text Message Of The Week

Hi Sarah my love.

Enjoy your night at yoga and Weight Watchers.

Our little soldier Ryan is behaving himself.

Had to change his nappy though.

Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner.

It’ll be ready for when you’re home.

See you later.

Love from your darling husband x

PS. Here’s what’s on the menu.

***

I think you need a babysitter.

But probably not this one.

I suspect that’s fake but, if not, simply brilliant.

In a bad way.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,800 views – if you missed it, it’s here http://wp.me/plv9K-13V

OVER FOUR THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED – THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS !!

+++

Peaches Geldof has over 125,000 people following her on Twitter.

She’s a bit like Jesus.

Relying on her Dad’s fame to get more followers.

+++

Having debates with religious people about, erm, religion can be a challenging exercise.

Scientific proof is often disregarded.

It’s their view – they say – which is fact.

Here’s an example of how they explain things.

+++

Breaking News

Outdoor retailer Millets has gone into administration.

Now is the winter of our discount tent.

+++

I met a 94-year-old guy last week who was one of the first British soldiers on the beach at Dunkirk in World War 2. He was a real inspiration and no-one should ever take the piss out of people like that because they’re what make this country great.

Respect for older people is lacking.

And because of that, I make no comment on this next picture.

Apart from… what the bloody hell is going on here?

+++

Men vs Women

Hi. I am a Woman. I will say one thing but then want something totally different.

For example, I’ll ask for cheese on toast but really I want fish and chips. And when I don’t get what I want, even though I never asked for it, I’ll go on Facebook to cry, bitch and moan that no one understands me. I will then claim that all men are wankers.

Hi. I am a Man. I will say I want cheese on toast because that’s what I want.

***

What she says:

“I don’t want to talk about it”

What she means:

“I’d like to argue about this for a week.”

+++

I’m having some of these serviettes printed.

I can see it being a winner.

Especially for the alcoholics.

(That’s for you, Frank the Tank.)

+++

I went in a sex shop and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost.

She’s sitting on a small fortune.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a chav family take the kids to Disney.

Ah bless you little princess.

Now get back to your rat-infested council estate.

+++

#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I don’t care what he’s done, I’m still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender.

Better the Breville you know.

+++

There’s nothing wrong with taking photos on holiday.

Here are some friends on the beach.

There is nothing remotely funny about that picture.

Just a few mates enjoying themselves.

Have to be honest – I did crop the photo.

There’s more to it.

Brace yourselves.

EEK!

PUT IT AWAY, SIR !!

+++

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.

+++

Don’t type the word “increased” into Google.

The top suggestion might make you wretch.

Oh go on then.

I know you want to see…

GOOGLE

+++

And finally… I bet you can’t say “Irish Wristwatch” without messing it up the first time.

There you go – you messed it up, right?

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 11th January

My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off…

+++

People who think it’s okay to let their animals smoke cannabis really need to get down off their high horse.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you get seated next to Andy from Little Britain on a very long coach journey.

+++

A new study has revealed that Nottingham is the ‘gun crime’ capital of England.

I’ll tell you what that place needs…

A sheriff.

+++

Crowd surfing can be dangerous.

You often see it at rock gigs.

Anyone can do it.

Although some have to be more careful than others.

+++

A top tip for those trying to lose weight.

Avoid that temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

+++

Pointless Photos Posted On Facebook

It’s Christmas.

You’re surrounded by family and friends.

What could be better than a picture of you all?

Hang on.

Was this one really worth putting on Facebook?

I imagine all are big fans of Blur.

+++

Whenever I listen to Dizzee Rascal, I put a nappy on, climb into a pram and shit myself.

Some people think I’m bonkers.

But I just think I’m three.

+++

Things Not To Say To A DJ

+++

In The News 1

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting five times.

He was cautioned for pinching cheese and wine from Tesco.

A Tesco spokesman (didn’t) say: “If Antony Worrall Thompson had put the cheese in his pocket more Caerphilly then he might have got away with it.”

***

That ironic moment when AWT is asked to tip the contents of his bag onto the table.

I’m loving the sub editor at The Sun who put the AWT story above an advert which said: “£5 off Tesco shopping. Including legally obtained cheese.” Brilliant.

***

I once had a great fruit cake at Antony Worrall Thompson’s restaurant.

It was Stollen.

#toocleverformostofyou

***

Best headline: Ready, Steady, Crook.

Hang on.

The jury for AWT are back.

***

Apparently Jonathan Ross also has an addiction to shoplifting.

But he preferred to steal kitchen implements.

It was a whisk he could not resist.

+++

In The News 2

Fashion label La Redoute has faced embarrassment after a picture of a naked man walking into shot behind four children was published on its website.

Oops.

Bit of a cock-up.

+++

In The News 3

Bob Holness, former host of daytime quiz show Blockbusters, died last week.

He was 83.

***

Amy Winehouse was the first person to meet Bob at the pearly gates.

“Can I have an E please, Bob?”

***

I broke the sad news to a mate about Bob Holness.

“Who is Bob Holness?” he said.

“He was in Blockbusters,” I replied.

“Fucking hell,” said my mate. “Was he taking a video back?”.

+++

In The News 4

The body of a young woman has been found at Sandringham – the estate where the Queen and the Royal Family spend every Christmas.

I see that Prince Philip didn’t fuck about with a car chase this time.

+++

In The News 5 (sport section)

Paul Scholes came out of retirement to play for Manchester United as Thierry Henry made a sensational return to Arsenal, scoring the winner against Leeds in the FA Cup.

As he walked into the Emirates Stadium, four and a half years after leaving for Barcelona, Henry checked out the Arsenal trophy cabinet.

“Ahhh,” he said. “Exactly as I left it.”

+++

In The News 6

Beyonce and Jay-Z revealed that the singer had given birth to a daughter last week.

They named the girl Blue Ivy. (Which sounds like a 1980s-style aftershave to me.)

They have yet to give the waiting world a photo.

But I can exclusively reveal what the kid looks like.

A spitting image of mum and dad.

+++

In The News 7

The Only Way Is Essex stars Maria Fowler and Harry Derbridge have confirmed they’ve left the show.

The pair revealed their exits on Twitter, with both of them hinting that they have different projects lined up for the future.

I look forward to seeing both at work in the future.

I hope they get my order right #happymealwithaMcFlurryplease

Some bloke called Mario from TOWIE is coming to Pussycats in Telford on Saturday 4th February and, as the main room DJ there, it’s quite possible I will get to meet him.

I. AM. SO. VERY. EXCITED.

I. CANNOT. CONTAIN. MY. ENTHUSIASM.

No – I’ve never heard of him either.

***

Recreate the magic of Super Mario in your own home by calling out a plumber and leaving a trail of £1 coins to the sink.

+++

Where you can find DJ Wanker this weekend:

Fri 13th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 14th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

+++

Im getnig relaly fsat at trypnig no;w

***

I haev craeted thsi speical wya of tpyign that onyl stipud poelpe cna raed

***

Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammer?

(Yes, yes, yes – I do know. That’s the whole point of it!)

***

As the old saying goes…

‘I’ before ‘E’ except after “Old MacDonald Had A Farm.”

***

I would rather cuddle then have sex.

If you’re good with grammar, you’ll understand it.

+++

And the award for ‘Silly Photo Of The Week’ goes to…

+++

Never take the P out of a pirate.

Because it will make him angry.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your dog looks like Chewbacca.

+++

+++

A little break from the random silly nonsense for a moment if you please. Just because I’m nice I shall share this with you:

“Hi Geoff, I am after a favour and some support really. I took inspiration from your tragic loss of your father last year and it touched me quite a lot. My father has been unwell for a number of years and I am this year running the London marathon for ‘Kidney Research UK’ (my dad has kidney failure).

“I wonder if you could dedicate a little piece in your blog (I’m a massive fan) or on your page to promote my sponsorship (I need to raise £1800) and every £ counts! You can read my story of why I am doing it on my sponsorship page. Thanks, Matt.”

I’ve stuck a tenner in the pot – I shall leave it up to you if you wish to do the same:

http://www.kidneyresearchukevents.org/mattdickenson

+++

+++

Breaking News

A violent criminal broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house this week and attacked all the contestants.

Police say they’re struggling to identify the victims.

***

Natasha Giggs is one of the contestants this year.

She’s the lass who slept with her brother-in-law Ryan, the Manchester United winger, for eight years.

It’s funny seeing her on Channel 5. Just like Ryan will be in a few weeks.

***

I thought the Manchester derby in the FA Cup on Sunday was a fabulous advertisement for the Europa League.

+++

My thanks to former Big Brother winner Brian Belo – a lovely, sweet bloke who came to Pussycats a few years ago – for helping this tweet (a rehash of an old joke) get over 100 retweets at the weekend.

***

If you wonder what Brian is like, here he is on The Weakest Link.

Anne: “Are you sure World War 2 was after World War 1?” Brian: “Is that a trick question?”

Brian: “I don’t want to make myself look stupid.”

Brian: “I don’t know about wars and stuff because when I was at school I didn’t really study geography.”

Comedy gold.

***

I’ve also taken a screenshot of Brian’s computer.

I hope he doesn’t mind.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page for this page

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,250 views – if you missed it, it’s here

+++

I went out with a girl once and asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

She said something with diamonds would be nice.

Her face was priceless when she ripped off the wrapping paper and saw I’d bought…

A packet of playing cards.

+++

Bargain Of The Week

Get yourself down to Gamestation.

They’re really pushing the boat out with the big offers.

Cheers for that, guys.

+++

Hello mirror, it’s me.

Well it isn’t me, it’s them.

It’s always good to see what the back of a phone looks like.

Or it isn’t.

With my apologies to Meg, Dan, Batch, Georgie, Frankie, Sinead and others.

That’s Sinead on the bottom right.

Just in case you wondered.

#greatpuppies

+++

You this read wrong.

+++

West Brom fan?

Thinking of getting a tattoo?

Want it to look like a Baggies shirt?

Awful, I know.

Still, it could’ve been worse.

Coventry, Derby, Notts Forest, Man Utd etc [delete as applicable]

+++

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got an abnormal curvature of the upper spine.

+++

Memo to council planning departments:

If you’re thinking of building a car park, give it plenty of thought.

You might want to avoid a cock up.

Like this.

+++

My ex used to moan at me to say ‘I did’ instead of ‘I done’ because it’s not proper grammar.

And that was easier said than did.

+++

Buying the right Christmas present is never easy.

I know what this next bloke is thinking.

“Shit, I’ve already got one. I hope they kept the receipt.”

+++

A secret is something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

+++

A job interview can be a scary experience.

You want to appear keen but not desperate.

You want to appear fun but not mental.

Let me present to you…

…the World’s Fastest Job Interview.

+++

#reallycrapjokecorner

I met the man who invented window sills this week.

He’s such a ledge!

+++

Be careful, kids.

We don’t want you getting arthritis.

Here are some human beings with their invisible scissors.

***

Even celebrities get in the act, too.

Here are actors Adam Thomas (Waterloo Road and Emmerdale), his brother Ryan (Coronation Street) and Dean Gaffney (EastEnders) along with their Blazin Squad pal, Kenzie.

Gaffney’s pouting and Kenzie’s got the scissors thing going on.

***

Oh hello Twitter.

Who’s following me?

Good old Gaffney.

+++

A top tip for men.

Treat women with dignity and respect.

Bitches love that shit

+++

Feeling hungry?

Get chomping on these bad boys.

Fish flavour also available.

+++

This next woman has eaten too many of them.

In fact she’s probably eaten too much of everything.

And she’s shamelessly posing in the bathroom.

With a photo in the mirror.

Which she posted on Facebook.

Shawn’s comment at the bottom had me roaring!

+++

True story – when I was 16, I was the DJ at Enderby Social Club and I also called the bingo on a Saturday night.

The best thing about calling bingo?

When I turned the microphone on, a room full of women instantly shut the fuck up.

+++

There is nothing finer than a perfectly timed photo.

But not if you’re the one caught in the act.

Too much to drink?

Boozing on an empty stomach?

Never mind, just smile for the camera with your mates.

Oh shit.

Too late.

+++

We’re so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your baby bump looks like your mirror.

* Much love to the wonderful Sam Bullock here – may your pregnancy be smooth and successful. So glad you posted that photo on Facebook though x

+++

I once met a girl with a plasticine fanny.

I didn’t sleep with her.

But I think I made an impression.

+++

And finally… my daughter asked me where’s the most dangerous place on earth?

I’m stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 4th January

Hello and welcome along to my new-look page.

It’s all change as The DJ Wanker Blog has vanished into internet history – being replaced by something completely different.

Yes, it’s fresh for 2012 and totally unlike anything I’ve done before.

[Okay - apart from the name change it's the same old rubbish repackaged in a slightly different box but new readers won't know any different so let's not spoil the illusion for them.]

It’s a one-stop emporium of lame jokes, daft pictures, made-up gubbins, bizarre waffle and other ridiculous stuff I’ve cobbled together to try and distract you for five minutes from your sad, humdrum existence.

If you don’t like bits of it or all of it, feel free to avoid popping along to read future ones. It’s okay – I don’t take it personally.

So it’s a new year, it’s a new me, it’s a new you. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day… and I’m feeling good.

Here we go then with some RANDOM SILLY NONSENSE!

+++

I hope you all had an enjoyable and prosperous festive season.

It’s that time of year when families gather to remember why they spend the rest of the year apart.

+++

My New Year’s resolutions are:

1. Stop making lists.
C. Be more consistent.
8. Learn to count.

+++

Sad news from the world of Showbiz.

Russell Brand and Katy Perry are to end their marriage.

I can’t wait for Russell’s new book:

‘My Divorcey Worcey’.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when dad stands in the wrong place at Animal Kingdom.

The dad looks pleased – not so sure about the mum.

+++

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas.

So I went to the local pet shop and they were £70!

SEVENTY BLOODY QUID!

Blow this, I thought.

I ended up getting a much cheaper one off the web.

+++

No one fails to pull over Christmas.

I needed a gimmick to help.

I thought this festive treat might reel in the ladies.

No luck, sadly.

And it was me who was left feeling a dick.

***

I went shopping for presents in Telford before Christmas.

They only sell this in the area.

It’s because the place is full of single mums.

I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.

***

The Barbie range has grown over the years.

This was also on sale in the area.

It’s because the place is full of drunken sluts.

Again, I have absolute no idea why you can only buy it in Telford.

***

Here’s another modern present for the youth of today.

Too late for Christmas but an idea for a birthday.

So if you know a weed-smoking, spoilt, lazy, useless fucking prick who can’t handle hot beverages at a Drive-Thru someone who likes a visit to McDonalds, then this could be right up their street.

Corporate brainwashing at its finest.

***

I’m thinking of opening a drive-thru brothel.

There’s bound to be a lot of coming and going.

***

Sorry lad.

But I think you need to give MaccyD’s a rest.

You might just grow up to be the Michelin Man.

+++

Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

+++

Why Do They Do That?

The modern trend – thanks to the rise of Facebook – is to take photos of yourself in the mirror.

It’s taking being vain to a new level.

Hey – look at us!

+++

My mate told me that if he has any more kids, he’s going to name them after Charlie instead of Thora.

I asked: “Why’s that then?”

His reply…

“Children should be Sheen and not Hird.”

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when it looks like you have a long penis.

+++

I once tried to buy a town in the south of France.

The locals were Avignon of it.

+++

This is just stupid.

Photoshopped and stupid.

But well worth sharing with you.

+++

Five things I want to do before I die

Girls Aloud.

Okay, I’ll stick at four.

Sorry Nicola.

+++

Women are such bitter creatures, aren’t they?

This one asked her other half what he thought of Prince William’s sister-in-law Pippa Middleton and if her arse was the best he’d ever seen.

The poor bloke said yes – Pippa is a hottie.

She didn’t take the news too kindly.

***

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Or with a spray can.

Yes, she found out about your affair mate.

Here was another one who took the news rather badly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

+++

LeAnn Rimes.

No it doesn’t.

+++

Why Do They Do That?

Posing for a photo has changed.

In the old days, you’d just smile.

Now you have to up the ante.

It’s all about invisible scissors.

+++

Over the festive season, I saw this headline:

“Prince Philip gets Operation for Christmas.”

I’d have thought he’d be too old for games like that but, to be fair, it is a classic.

+++

In The News

This poor old chap couldn’t work out why no-one ever replied to his letters.

It only took him a couple of years to figure out why.

Oh shit.

+++

Congratulations (and celebrations) to Cliff Richard.

The 71 year old has enjoyed a successful Christmas.

His calendar for 2012 was a best seller.

That’s nice.

But he and his fans are now so old, it only goes up to August.

+++

It’s time for the January sales.

You’ve already spunked a load of money you can’t afford on Christmas presents.

Now you can get further into debt buying stuff you don’t really need for less than what it was a few weeks ago.

Here’s a bargain for you.

***

I imagine Harry Potter fans were queuing up for them.

For the record, I’ve never read the books or seen the films.

Nor do I ever plan to.

IT’S FOR KIDS.

Some Potter fans take their love for Harry a little far.

Check out this freak with her broomstick.

***

The magic of Harry Potter has spread across the world.

In the Far East, there is a Potter-themed kids play area.

I’m not sure if Harry is flying here or knocking one out.

You decide.

***

Those Potter kids have grown up fast.

They’re almost unrecognisable from the little cherubs who started out.

I wonder what Emma, Daniel and Rupert are like these days.

+++

I bought my mate Cluedo for Christmas.

It was the ‘Swingers Edition’.

Turns out they all did it, in every room.

+++

FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

+++

Random thought.

If someone is ugly, you call them a stalker.

If the person is good looking, you call them a secret admirer.

+++

Things People Post On Facebook

“Yh ryt dis woz me n me m8 out shoppin.

We fort itd be a gud idea to hav a pik ov dis.

We woz jus messin arownd n ting.

We iz lyk wel kewl.

Init.”

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and you might also want to ‘like’ this Facebook page

+++

My ex girlfriend used to use a carrot to masturbate.

Presumably, to stop her going blind.

+++

Here’s a question for you.

This next bloke is married…

…but can you guess the name of his wife?

It’s a tough one.

Ten points for the correct answer.

***

They say – whoever ‘they’ are – that tattoos can make you sexier.

I disagree.

Tattoos are shit.

I have no idea if this is Brenda.

+++

I’m still puzzled by the strange, varying gifts I received for Christmas.

A regular calculator, a scientific calculator and an abacus.

Something doesn’t add up.

+++

Dad Of The Year 2012

This man is in the running.

He’s among the favourites.

I’m sure every self-respecting parent takes their young daughter to a pub to watch scantily-clad tarts parading up and down the catwalk while hollering encouragement at the sexy bints.

+++

I don’t really understand the lure of strip clubs.

You give a woman all your money and she won’t sleep with you?

Sounds a lot like marriage to me.

+++

Of my obsession with Yoda my ex-girlfriend left me because.

+++

You can’t beat a bit of takeaway food.

Kebabs, burgers, pizzas etc.

I can’t quite make out the full number of this place.

It’s 488666 but I’m not sure of the area code.

Or the Subscriber Trunk Dialling code as it used to be called.

STD for short, of course.

Some great pizza offers here.

Catch them while you can…

Pizza that stays with you – even after it’s gone.

Mmmm hot and fresh.

+++

My ex-girlfriend is spreading false rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well listen love, three can play at that game.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when pop star Rihanna feeds her assistant with an invisible penis.

I apologise for such a terrible caption – I’m such a rude boy.

+++

Women say: “Child birth is one of the most painful things in the world.”

Well they obviously haven’t ever sneezed while having a piss.

+++

And finally… my ex-girlfriend was really self-conscious about the size of her pussy lips.

Personally, I didn’t see why she was flapping so much.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of this page include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

.

.

WEDNESDAY 21st December

.

I haven’t received a greetings card from one single Ethiopian.

Do They Know It’s Christmas?

+++

When I go bowling I register my name on the board as ‘Three Testicles’.

That way the TV occasionally says:

“Congratulations Three Testicles! You got a spare.”

+++

Sad news.

Nativity plays in Telford have been cancelled again.

Probably because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

(Apologies for repeating the same joke for the last five years.)

+++

The Nativity – United Kingdom, 2011.

+++

I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies.

She’ll have a fit when she finds out.

+++

Spelling fail.

Well at least I hope that’s the case.

***

I wonder if Satan gets loads of letters from dyslexic kids?

+++

Christmas: one woman’s lie about having an affair that spiralled massively out of control.

+++

Some kids don’t like meeting Santa.

They REALLY don’t like it.

+++

I’m going to do my bit to care for the homeless this Christmas.

I’ve got loads of cardboard boxes to give away.

+++

Stop.

Please stop.

You’re making yourself look like a chav.

+++

Save yourself the hassle of filming your family Christmas by inviting Peter Andre or Katie Price around for the big day.

+++

Where to send the children during the Christmas holidays?

No.

I think I’ll pass, thanks.

+++

For my free eBook “How not to get scammed this Christmas”, just send me £7.99 plus your bank account details and your mother’s maiden name.

+++

It’s the great Santa fun run.

Hang on a minute.

Who’s that who has joined in?

Listen mate, it’s not Easter yet.

***

What year did Jesus think it was when he was alive?

(Assuming you believe all that nonsense.)

***

Jesus in a dog’s arse.

Not in one but two.

***

Celebrate the birth of Jesus by enjoying several weeks of unfettered greed and consumerism.

I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted.

***

I’m really sorry about this.

But I’m going to ruin a story for you.

Spoiler alert.

+++

Obviously the blog is made up of jokes and stuff but let me, for once, share a true story which happened earlier this week.

During a visit to see my mum, she mentioned how much she liked Strictly Come Dancing and the name of Anita Dobson, one of the contestants, came up.

“Do you know who her famous husband is?” I asked.

“Isn’t she married to Freddie Mercury from Queen?” Mum replied.

“Close – but Freddie was gay and has been dead for 20 years. Apart from that…”

Bless her.

She also said: “Please don’t put that on your blog or Facebook or Twitter.”

Oops.

(Anita Dobson is married to Brian May from Queen – he’s not gay, he’s not Freddie and he’s still alive. Happy to be of assistance.)

***

Just to go off on a personal tangent here, thanks to everyone this year who have been really kind to me and my family after my dad – my absolute hero – died in January. He read the blog every week – as my dear old mum still does – and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me taking the piss. He was pretty good at that himself.

Last Christmas, just before he passed away, he sat at the dinner table, held up a bag of Brussels sprouts and with a deadpan straight-face said: “These are named after your mum.”

Miss you every day, dad. Hope you’re resting well.

* wipes a tear from the cheek – onwards we go…

+++

Ahhhhhh.

Dressing your pets up at Christmas.

Cute – but what’s the point really?

+++

A new Amy Winehouse album is out, just in time for Christmas.

Talk about flogging a dead horse.

+++

2011 – the year the devil gained new company.

There was Osama bin Laden.

Then Colonel Gaddafi.

Now it’s welcome to Hell for Kim Jong-Il.

***

Saying Kim Jong Il had a heart attack is like saying Jordan had a brain haemorrhage.

***

I don’t want to give Simon Cowell any ideas but…

***

Good news: Kim’s dead.

Bad news: It’s not one of the Kardashians.

***

According to a report, Kim Kardashian was the most googled celebrity last year.

No doubt due to people googling “Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian?”

+++

The rules of Santa.

+++

My pet centipede died last week.

It was very sad.

But he was on his last legs.

+++

What the fuck?

What the absolute fuck?

I know Christmas is for kids but this is just – well, odd.

Very odd.

+++

My ex-wife once said she had a knitting pattern for a pair of sunglasses.

I think she was trying to pull the wool over my eyes though.

+++

As seen in church.

Possibly a Catholic church.

Tut tut.

+++

Breaking News

Gary Glitter was rushed to hospital this week after being badly beaten up, but was pronounced dead on arrival.

Police described his condition as “Satisfactory”.

+++

Mummy.

MUMMY!!!!!!!

Get me out of this grotto!

NOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

***

Ah bless.

Parents in love.

Not sure the kids are impressed though.

+++

Google Earth is a quite incredible website.

All those streets and roads and amazing buildings and what’s the first thing you look for?

Your own house.

+++

It’s Christmas.

We’re allowed to drink too much.

And then fall asleep.

Even if you’re a dog in a pub.

+++

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time.

+++

Countdown Corner.

Can you get an eight letter word from these nine?

N I C E O T H E R

Erm, let me think.

Well I can get two words – NOTICE HER.

And when I notice Rachel Riley I get an…

+++

My ex-wife once told me to go out and get something that made her look sexy.

You should’ve seen her face when I came home drunk.

+++

Listen mate.

You’re getting too old for this Santa nonsense.

And you’re a bit fookin odd.

+++

I’ve got to say I was very disappointed with my UK Border Agency Advent Calendar.

All the doors were left open.

+++

Need a last minute homemade Christmas present?

I wouldn’t bother with this.

***

They are just for the Christmas period.

+++

I’ve got my mate a DVD for Christmas.

It’s called: “Hot and Horny Housewives Do Anal volume 3″.

Do you think he will understand what’s going on if he’s not seen volumes 1 and 2?

+++

Most toilets have a mirror above the sink.

But you don’t always need one.

Just a short message will do.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had almost 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here http://wp.me/plv9K-11T – thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supply material.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you let your child ride an animal.

Oops.

+++

I remember at school being bullied by kids who hit me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

+++

Need to buy some items for babies and kids?

Not sure this is the best place.

+++

I have to say the teachers strike in 2011 was well organised and expertly done.

It’s almost as if they had six weeks off in the summer to plan it.

+++

Here’s my Secret Santa present.

I can’t guess what it is.

I’m sure my jaw(s) will drop when I figure it out.

***

How can people be stupid enough to be eaten by a shark?

I mean, surely they can hear the music…

+++

Boys versus Girls.

I found it funny!

+++

Christmas is always a good time for fancy dress.

Choose something festive for your office party.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit camp.

I said a BIT camp.

Not fookin’ freaky!

+++

About to get caught having a wank?

Just shout: “Don’t come in, I’m wrapping presents”.

For info – this only works until Christmas Eve.

+++

Here are some more terrified kids.

Santa isn’t that scary is he?

+++

The vet looked at me and said: “I’m afraid your cat won’t last long. It’s the big C.”

“What? Cancer?” I replied.

“No,” he answered: “Curiosity.”

#veryclever

+++

That Magical Festive Moment

…when Father Christmas takes a decorative piss.

+++

Top Festive Tip

Enjoy a free weekend at a hotel over Christmas by arriving with a donkey and telling the owner your wife is pregnant.

+++

Breaking News.

“Man critical after Specsavers car park crash.”

He should have gone to… oh.

+++

And finally… I once took a lass back to my house for sex.

Twenty seconds into it, my cock went floppy.

She looked at me and said: “You can do better than this, surely?”

“Of course I can,” I said, before adding:

“But you shouldn’t put yourself down like that.”

***

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – the blog returns in 2012.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

.

.

WEDNESDAY 14th December

.

Good news for Narcoleptics.

Only 178 more sleeps until Christmas.

+++

Porn channels on the telly make me angry.

I just sit there shaking my fist.

+++

So what if I can’t spell armer-gedden?

It’s not the end of the world.

(Obviously I can spell ‘Armageddon’ correctly but… oh, never mind.)

+++

Merry Christmas from Snoop Dogg.

Look what his mum got him last year.

Fo shizzle with da bizzle in da hizzle.

Or something like that.

I have warned Snoop about mince pies.

They can be dangerous when you take them out of the oven.

Try not to drop them when they’re hot.

#snoophealthandsafety

***

That Awkward Moment

…when you go carol singing with Yoda.

***

Have you ever seen Yoda made out of Lego?

It’s a scary thing.

Especially if you’re a baby.

Shit scared, he is.

+++

Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.

+++

Some people use Christmas as an excuse to go away on holiday.

Get a bit of winter sun and all that.

Be careful though if you bump into people from Telford.

You’ll know who they are when you see their kids on the beach.

+++

Enjoy a “Deal or No Deal” style Christmas this year.

Number your presents 1-22 and then invite a bunch of raging fuckwits to open them for you.

+++

I’ve worked all over the UK as a DJ.

Had a spell in Wakefield back in 1998.

It wasn’t in this place.

Seems right up my street though.

+++

DJ Tiesto is crap.

Here’s the proof.

+++

Apparently, home vajazzle kits will be very popular this Christmas.

I somehow think my mum will prefer a voucher from M&S.

+++

Tesco fail.

Fuck it.

I’m going to Asda instead.

+++

I said to the dentist: “I want my teeth whiter.”

He said: “Have you tried polish?”

I said: “Chcieć moich zębów biały” and he ignored me.

(That’s for you, Magda Duszynska and Chris Lepkowski.)

+++

‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Dig out the festive lights.

Be careful not to go over the top.

#chavcentral

***

Less is often more.

I salute the people who live on the right.

Now THAT is how to decorate your house.

+++

Nothing says “We forgot your Christmas present” quite like a massive Toblerone from the 24-hour garage.

+++

How many Santas can you fit in a lift?

The answer is eight.

My deepest thanks to Daisy Bruce and her cohorts at Lincoln University for doing this.

Totally pointless, of course, but great skills.

I shall refrain from saying: ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho and ho.

Because they’re probably not.

+++

My girlfriend’s always helping me to keep fit.

Every time she mentions marriage, I run a fucking mile.

+++

This next picture gives me the creeps.

In fact it makes me shiver every time I look at it.

He’s a big fan of Chewbacca I suspect.

No, no and no. Just wrong.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when it looks like you’ve had a face transplant.

+++

People call me Mr Compromise.

It wasn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.

+++

It’s only taken me 38 years but I’ve finally cracked it.

All this time being treated like shit by my disrespectful, sneering excuse for a sister and it could’ve been nipped in the bud when I was a child.

If only I’d stuck up for myself back then.

Kung-fu siblings!

Note: Play nicely, children.

+++

#oldjokeshome

I was going to buy a “Blue Peter” advent calendar this year.

Then I remembered I’d made one earlier.

+++

I’ll let you into a little secret.

I make a fortune every year with my export business.

Although I only have a short window of opportunity in the run-up to Christmas.

I sell blow-up snowmen to foreign countries.

Funnily enough, I only get orders from one country.

Germany.

***

That Awkward Moment

…when your baby meets a snowman for the first time.

+++

My girlfriend’s told me I’ve got to stop naming people after 1980′s pop stars.

She’s adamant.

(And I am, of course, her Prince Charming. Boom, tish, aaah.)

(Okay, I’m lying. I’m too ugly to have a girlfriend.)

+++

Oh Santa.

Please don’t wear this t-shirt when meeting kids.

And here he is with a young Gail from Corrie.

+++

I don’t know why Christians make such a big fuss about the ‘Ten Commandments’.

It’s not like the rules were set in stone.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had over 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here http://wp.me/plv9K-11p – thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supply material.

+++

Bargain of the Week

As spotted in Top Man.

What a great deal.

+++

#footballhumour

The new Manchester United fragrance this Christmas is Channel No5.

Arsenal are hoping to prise Samir Nasri away from Manchester City with the promise of Champions League football.

What’s blue and still fits? A Manchester City fan’s old Chelsea shirt.

+++

Fairground Ride Of The Week

Is it funny or wrong?

Or both?

+++

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Half of Essex/Liverpool/Newcastle etc.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when animals have sex.

+++

My new party trick:

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse, all tied up.

I shit you knot.

+++

Who invented porn?

A question often (mass) debated.

You’ll be surprised at the real answer.

+++

My best mate Phil and I buy cheap presents for each other at Christmas.

Last year, he got me some play dough.

I didn’t know what to make of it.

+++

Dear Santa,
I spotted a woman on the train the other day.
I want to get her a present for Christmas.
Well, I’d like to get her several presents.

1) A diet book
2) A mirror
3) A bra
4) Clothes that fit
5) Some self awareness

Thank you Santa,
Much love from DJ Wanker (aged 38 and a half)

+++

I wish I hadn’t bought a house in Grimsby.

Neighbours from Hull.

+++

Santa gives out presents.

He gives out balloons.

He has his photo taken with you.

Oh dear. Bad Santa.

Very bad Santa.

+++

You can learn many things from children.

Like how much patience you have, for example.

+++

I like honest people.

I like honest businesses.

I like businesses with a sense of humour.

Honesty doesn’t come much better than this.

+++

I don’t mind lesbians, actually.

They’re still women who won’t sleep with me.

But at least it’s nothing personal.

+++

A great game to play.

For girls only.

Smash some cocks, smash them hard

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when your dog realises you haven’t got him a Christmas present.

+++

One reason why Santa has to be a man.

No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

+++

And finally… when I was a little boy, I used to think that earwigs actually lived in your ears.

Consequently I was terrified of cockroaches.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

NOTE: Contains lame jokes, opinions and a lot of daft stuff. It may not be suitable for reading at work. Or if you don’t share my odd sense of humour. 

.

.

WEDNESDAY 7th December

.

Feminists have got it totally wrong.

Us men don’t see “all women” as sex objects.

Just the ones with nice tits and arses.

+++

Warning to all men.

Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

Be on your guard, chaps.

+++

The “Occupy Paris” protest hit a stalemate on the first day as both the police and protestors surrendered.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when putting up the Christmas decorations goes wrong.

***

Aahhhhhh.

A Christmas tree for Verne Troyer’s house.

He probably thinks it’s massive!

***

It serves me right for getting the wrong advent calendar.

There were just so many different ones to choose from.

I went for the Madeleine McCann one.

All the doors were wide open…

+++

Breaking News

It’s all kicking off in the Isle of Wight.

God bless local newspapers!

+++

Tip Of The Week 1

Recreate the excitement of a game of Space Invaders by throwing apples at a line dancing convention.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when her husband comes home unexpectedly.

Oh Shit.

+++

Random Thought.

Respect your elders.

They made it through school without Google or Wikipedia.

+++

Let me take you to Granada TV.

They film a lot of shows there.

Let’s hope the audience didn’t get mixed up.

That could’ve been very interesting!

+++

It was my wife`s birthday this week.

I bought her a pen.

Got to take the bloody thing back though.

As she escaped after half an hour.

+++

Van Re-spray Of The Week

This would’ve taken a lot of effort.

Clever though.

+++

The draw for Euro 2012 was held last week.

Group D features France, Ukraine, Sweden and England.

F.U.S.E.

No doubt we’ll blow it.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a kid tries a clever tactic of distracting people from seeing he’s a chubby ginger.

+++

Apparently there are 671 million pages of porn on the Internet.

Which begs one key question.

Why are you wasting your time reading this?

+++

Offer Of The Week

Appealing to your inner porn star self.

***

There is nothing much appealing about this.

Unless you like to ride the ripples.

***

Once I got over the shock of seeing her in the supermarket, I went to pick up a free in-store newspaper.

I couldn’t believe Waitrose was displaying such a thing.

I’m sure they realised their, erm, cock up.

***

Sale Of The Century

Fill your boots.

The last of the big bargains.

+++

#oldjokeshome

I said to my wife: “Lets try the missionary position.”

She said: “Okay, what do we do?”

I replied: “I’ll stay here and you piss off to Africa.”

+++

Another week, another trip to McDonald’s.

And yet another kid who’s not lovin’ it.

***

I sell drugs to fat people.

It sounds better than: “I work at McDonald’s.”

+++

Short of money?

Why not write in to newspapers and magazines.

They usually pay for contributions.

This has to be the easiest £60 ever.

+++

#crapjokecorner

I’ve just seen the AA man in his van, crying his eyes out.

I think he’s heading for a breakdown.

+++

What Were You Thinking?

Gok Wan’s older brother refuses to listen to fashion tips.

+++

I’ve won an innuendo competition.

I had to beat off some stiff competition though.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when finishing a round of golf becomes the least of your worries.

+++

A mate of mine has liver disease, caused by years of heavy drinking.

His wife said he should go to BUPA.

He did the complete opposite.

He went to APUB.

+++

He’s arguably the best footballer on the planet.

But Lionel Messi is still a mummy’s boy.

The little Argentine whizzkid has a tattoo of his MOTHER.

I don’t understand it at all.

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get my mum off my back.

[Only kidding, mum.]

+++

Tip Of The Week 2

Save money on an Olympic tattoo by taking off your shirt and jumping out in front of an Audi.

+++

Much love and respect to everyone who grew a moustache for Movember to raise money and awareness about cancer.

But if you’re going to do it, you must do it right.

This bloke takes some beating.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had over 4,000 blog views again last week – see it here - thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who suggest material.

+++

Random Photo Of The Week

Budgies.

On a skateboard.

In a sink.

What the absolute fuck?!?!

+++

When couples have been together for a long time, one will often finish the other’s sentence.

Rosemary West for example.

+++

The Facts Of Life

Finally explained.

+++

A new report revealed: “Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm.”

It’s the other way around, surely?

+++

Spelling Mistake Of The Week

Unless it was someone who hated the late Princess of Wales.

+++

#evenmoresexistjokes

I’ve only just realised it’s called history for reason.

Because HERstory would just be mindless gossip.

***

History is full of strong, imposing women.

Well my internet history is anyway.

+++

Dad Of The Year

And the award goes to…

+++

#oldjokeshome

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.

Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.

“This is a hijack!” he screamed. “If anyone makes a move, I’ll kill them!”

My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.

The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.

Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.

I said: “Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour.”

After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, “Well I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?”

“No, she was fine,” I replied.

“I’m the one who’s dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go.”

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when having an affair backfires.

You are so busted, mate!

+++

My ex-wife ran off with another bloke to Vienna.

It meant nothing to me.

+++

Oh shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

That is all.

+++

I’ve got a cold so I typed ‘Lockets’ into Google.

It wasn’t what I expected.

They directed me to loads of sites about the Chinese space programme.

+++

And finally… What’s the difference between a striking Public Sector employee and opinionated motormouth Jeremy Clarkson?

One’s an overpaid c*nt who needs to try working for a living.

And the other is a top TV presenter.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
http://www.carlbuck.co.uk/

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

NOTE: A bit of random this and that to waste five minutes of your day.

.

.

WEDNESDAY 30th November

.

I wonder if in Africa they have a Lynx ‘England’ that smells of cigarettes and disappointment?

+++

I hate having to explain myself.

Don’t ask me why.

+++

Breaking news

An airline is to offer allocated seating for overweight passengers.

I wonder if it will take off?

+++

I need to apologise to my mum.

She’s almost 70 and a lovely woman.

But I offended her deeply last week.

All I did was congratulate her on her moustache and asked how much she’d raised for Movember.

(It’s okay, she won’t understand the joke anyway.)

+++

Story of the Week

Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent.  She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was “at the artist’s discretion.”

No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan’s friend was worth it.

Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.

+++

I’ve put a Fatwa on the Go Compare advert guy.

My pen ran out before I could add the ‘nker’.

+++

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit.

These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…

The A-Team.”

Ah, what a great show from the 80s.

No, hang on.

This isn’t how I remember them.

***

I’m not sure what the politically correct term is.

Midget?
Dwarf?
Person of restricted growth?
DJ Ivory?

All I want to do is find a photo of little people pulling a plane.

Just for the sheer hell of it.

+++

I have big issues.

Mainly because I have big-ish feet

+++

Some people have too much time on their hands.

No, really they do.

I actually know that guy.

He’s Hawaiian and married to a Spanish lass called Margherita.

+++

Sexist Joke Of The Week 1

On holiday in Thailand, I had a close call and almost ended up shagging a ladyboy.

She looked like a woman and spoke like a woman and I didn’t suspect a thing.

But then I realised something was wrong when she drove us safely back to the hotel and reverse parked the car.

+++

What would be the most random photo you could think of?

How about…

A hedgehog
With a strawberry on top
Reading a newspaper

Don’t be so bloody stupid.

As if I’ll find one of them.

+++

I’ve found a shop where you can get free shoes.

I can’t remember what the place was called.

Although I’m sure there was a sign which said ‘Mosque entrance.’

(I can get away with saying that, right?)

+++

Photos People Post On Facebook

On occasional feature, highlighting the madness of the internet.

I don’t think he’s pleased to see me.

The dinosaur is having a sleep.

+++

I’ve just got a job answering other people’s phones.

Turns out it’s not for me.

+++

Stupid people walk among us.

We’ve all seen them. We all know them.

Having trouble opening something in the kitchen?

There’s only one solution.

Dial 999.

+++

I phoned the police the other day.

“What’s your emergency?” they asked.

I said: “There are two girls fighting over me.”

“Ok,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”

I replied: “The ugly one is winning.”

+++

Experts Of The Week

As spotted in the Daily Mail.

If you’re trying to diet, this advice could be life changing.

No shit, Sherlock.

***

That last story and this next photo are in no way connected.

It’s just a picture of a woman.

I offer no further comment, your honour.

Well, apart from…

PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON AND EAT SOME SALAD

+++

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish.

She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

+++

Supermarket Scrabble

So there I was, doing a bit of shopping at Tesco.

And I saw a woman who was bang tidy.

I suddenly thought of Keith Lemon and Celebrity Juice.

For those who know the show, you might appreciate this.

***

Once I got to the checkout, my OCD kicked in.

Everything had to be neat and tidy.

So I had a game of Conveyor Belt Tetris.

I won.

***

After my trip to Tesco, I went to Costcutter.

I was after some cheap booze.

Bargains galore.

Apart from this, obviously.

+++

I suffer from paranoid amnesia.

I can’t remember who I don’t trust.

+++

Road Sign Of The Week

I spotted this while on a journey.

(You see what I did there, right?)

+++

As I sat in front of the TV watching Crimewatch, my face suddenly appeared on the screen.

At first I completely shat myself.

But then after a few minutes I realised that the electricity had gone off.

+++

I applaud creativity.

Especially when it comes to placing stickers on a DVD box set.

Oh how very juvenile.

+++

I’ve been trying to make an anagram out of MANCHESTER UNITED.

So far I have ‘MEAN RED SHITE’ with only the letters U, T, N and C left.

Hmmm.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a famous actor flirts with women on a webcam.

Taxi for DeVito!

+++

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is… you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

#clever

+++

Star tip?

Crap tip more like.

And a magazine printed it!

+++

Sexist Joke Of The Week 2

There’s free ear piercing at my local pub next week.

Or ‘Ladies darts tournament’ as the landlord put it.

+++

It’s a long time since I was at school.

I was a bit of a practical joker.

You can imagine how pleased my folks were when I brought this home.

The bare-faced cheek of it!

* Not me, obviously.

***

My folks actually had a good sense of humour.

Back in the 1920s, when I grew up, they took me for a photoshoot.

They said I could be pictured in any pose I wanted.

Being the stroppy diva I still am now, I demanded to be sat down, smoking a fag with a farmyard animal to my side.

They agreed.

And don’t I look cute?

*Not me either, obviously.

***

Parenting is a real skill.

You have to look after your kids properly.

For example, in the cold weather you don’t send them out in t-shirt and shorts.

Oh no.

You wrap them up warm.

It doesn’t matter if it scars them for life.

***

When I was a boy, I enjoyed drawing pictures.

I was rubbish but I enjoyed it.

I also drew on the table and the doors.

That didn’t go down so well.

When you run out of paper, you have to find an alternative.

Quick – call Social Services!

***

Some people dress their pets up.

Why? I have no idea.

I suspect the owner of this animal was a Star Wars fan.

“Stupid idea, this was,” said Yoda.

“RSPCA, I am calling.”

+++

I’ve just bought some of that 007 Viagra.

Apparently, it makes you roger more.

+++

Back to the subject of stupid people.

Any idea where his phone is?

Do you think he has found it yet?

+++

Stupid Ben and Stupid Mark are having a pint at their local.

Ben sees a pen lying on the floor and picks it up.

“Is that your blue pen, Mark?”

“I don’t know, Ben, let me see it.”

Mark scribbles something down on a beer mat.

“Aye, its mine alright, Ben.”

“How do you know that, Mark?”

Mark points to the beermat and says “Because that’s my handwriting.”

+++

Dreadful Stereotype Question Of The Week

How many Northerners does it take to change a candle?

+++

I think my phone has been hacked.

I was trying to keep my new love affair secret.

Somehow the press found out and I’ve been rumbled.

The paparazzi caught the lady in question leaving my house.

I’m batting well above my average here.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had almost 5,000 blog views again last week – see it here - thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who suggest material.

+++

Chat Up Line(s) Of The Week

Grab your taco, you’ve pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

***

I’ll get your coat, you’ve pulled a gentleman.

***

Get your quote, you’ve pulled a meerkat.

+++

As I write this, Robbie Savage is still in Strictly Come Dancing.

His fans are obviously voting in their droves to keep him in.

He’s got a few tattoos.

Here he’s taken a picture of one on his shoulder.

In fact, if you look lower down, you’ll see he’s VERY pleased with it.

* It’s a gun, obviously.

+++

I’ve got a dig bick.

You read that wrong, didn’t you?

+++

Fed up with religious nutters knocking on your door?

Trying to convert you to whatever cause they believe in?

Worry no more.

I bet the Jehovah crew will think twice before using my door knocker.

* I mean no harm to any religion or fundamentalist nutjobs so please don’t blow me up or send me to Hell or anything. Cheers.

+++

People who say that ‘nothing lasts forever’ have obviously never tried masturbating while thinking of Susan Boyle.

+++

My Favourite Joke Of The Week

A woman walked past a pet shop and saw a sign which said:

“Fanny licking frog, £25″

She walked in and said:

“Can I see the fanny licking frog please?”

To which the bloke behind the counter replied:

“Bonjour!”

+++

I saw a couple of bobbies on the beat singing “If I stay here, If I just lay here.”

I thought “That’s no patrol.”

+++

I think Anne Summers should break into the lucrative male sex accessory market by selling single socks.

+++

And finally… always check what you have written in case you any words out.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

NOTE: Just some stuff which amuses me.

.

.

WEDNESDAY 23rd November

.

A report says that 70% of 14 year old girls in Telford go binge drinking every week.

That’s terrible.

Genuinely shocking.

I mean… who’s looking after their kids?

+++

I want to get a DVD from eBay.

I’m confused.

Do I click ‘Buy’ or ‘Watch this item’?

Surely I want to do both.

+++

Breaking News

A man who swung a cat around by its tail is facing jail.

He won’t like prison.

There’s hardly enough room to…

+++

Thirsty?

Yeah, let’s get some booze in.

Where do you suggest?

***

Tell you what – let’s go to a boozer.

Ahhhh, here’s a pub in Denmark.

“Come to Copenhagen.”

Might just have to splash out and visit here.

***

Alcohol.

It can cause people to act like this.

***

I saw a fat bloke dancing to that Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera song last weekend.

He had moobs like Jabba.

+++

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women.

+++

Fancy Dress Of The Week

If you’re gonna do it, do it right.

Quality.

They were arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

The police, however, gave them a caution.

And they were let go / le’go.

+++

I’ll hopefully receive my new ‘How to overcome superstitions’ book this week, touch wood.

+++

Hold on a minute.

We need to stop for some breaking news.

It’s all kicking off in Birmingham.

+++

Breaking News

A man was caught taking upskirt photos of girls in Primark’s changing room.

He somehow managed to get a shot right between the curtains.

+++

I like Dr Who.

No, actually, I love Dr Who.

I wouldn’t go to a convention or anything though.

Some parents take their fanaticism a little far.

+++

I remember getting intimate with a fat girl once, many years ago.
 
She said: “You know what I want, don’t you?”
 
I replied: “Yes, the whole fucking bed!”

***

Isn’t using the phrase ‘bootylicious’ just the polite way of saying someone has a really fat arse?

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you visit the tattoo parlour and end up with the work experience kid.

+++

People who love anagrams will tell you that chat-up lines are a cheap insult.

#clevergag

+++

God bless the brains at Apple.

They really do think of everything.

This has to be my favourite ‘App of the Week’.

+++

Tip for Men

Ask your partner for a ‘blow hobby’ because that way it sounds like less of an effort

+++

Tone deaf X Factor reject Frankie Cocozza has been out on the razzle after getting his marching orders from Cowell and Co.

He’s been meeting the Great British Public.

And he’s found someone even more repellent than himself.

What the fook do you look like, love?

***

Are X Factor phone quizzes too easy?

A) Yes
B) A Great White Shark
C) 43

+++

Text Message Of The Week

Enough said.

+++

I leave notes on people’s windscreens telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

+++

Colour by Numbers.

Not just a great album by Culture Club – possibly their best in my humble opinion – but an early learning painting activity for kids.

Fill the colour in the space. Easy peasy.

This, quite possibly, is taking it too far.

***

On the subject of toys for kids, don’t forget this Christmas to only buy your little ones what you can actually afford.

My parents never broke the bank for presents, they didn’t have much money but never got into debt and it taught me some important values.

[Right, off my soapbox - but sensible advice, right?]

Anyway, here are some present ideas.

Or perhaps not.

+++

Breaking News

It’s been reported that a woman has beaten a lifelong phobia of stairs.

How did she do it?

One step at a time, I suspect.

***

I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia

+++

There is nothing better than the fresh smell of clean clothes.

Especially if you do your washing here.

(I hope it’s situated next to a fishmongers.)

+++

ITV should spice up this year’s “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” by appointing Conrad Murray as the official celeb doctor.

+++

I went into Waterstones the other day.

And spotted this signed book.

I wonder how much it’s worth?

+++

God bless Sir Jimmy Saville.

He’s left all of his wealth to charity.

There is a children’s hospital sending off a giant envelope to Cash4Gold as we speak.

+++

This just made me laugh.

That is all.

#random

+++

#crapjokecorner

I once woke up with a puzzled look on my face.

My own fault really for falling asleep on a jigsaw.

+++

Random Photo In The Mirror Of The Week

Yes, I know.

What the fook?

+++

Breaking News

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are getting divorced.

I wonder who’ll get custody of Bruce Willis?

+++

I pulled last weekend.

She was a babe.

Seriously, she was.

You’ve seen the film, right?

+++

Stupid people are everywhere.

Here’s a woman on an escalator.

I don’t think she’s got the hang of how it works.

<edit>

You Tube removed the video but you can still see it here

+++

Someone came up to me at the weekend and said my head looked like one of those Werther’s sweets.

Well at least it was original…

+++

Scared Child Of The Week

She’s definitely not lovin’ it.

***

Scary Child Of The Week

Don’t have nightmares.

+++

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

We had almost 4,500 blog views last week – see it here - thanks again for your support and to all the kind people who supplied material. You know who you are and you know I’m most grateful.

+++

There’s no ‘I’ in team but there are five in individual brilliance.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when a tree looks like George from Rainbow.

+++

I got a phone call this week from some bloke saying it was long distance from Australia.

I told him I already knew that.

+++

You never know when nature might call.

Can’t be too careful.

Even in a supermarket.

He must be taking the…

+++

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Not good at following instructions”

+++

Grandson Of The Year

Possibly of the decade, too.

Just wrong on so many levels.

+++

A girl posted a status on Facebook the other day saying: “I’m ugly…”

I replied: “You spelt ‘attention seeking status whore’ wrong.”

+++

My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung.

+++

And finally… Rihanna and Calvin Harris have spent their fifth week at number one with We Found Love.

At one point she sings: “We found love in a hopeless place”.

Blimey – I didn’t know Rihanna had been to Coventry.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

NOTE: A round up of random mirth along with some daft and random bits and bobs.

.

.

WEDNESDAY 16th November

.

The new Marks & Spencer advert states that it wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.

They’re right as well.

It’d be Chrita.

+++

What do we want?

A cure for obesity!

When do we want it?

After dinner!

+++

Tip Of The Week

Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.

+++

Old (Ronald) McDonald had a farm.

E.I.E.I.O.

And on that farm he had some…

What the fook??!!

+++

Are you an old person suffering with insomnia?

Well cheer the fuck up.

At least you won’t die in your sleep.

***

Great news for insomniacs.

Only three sleeps until Christmas!

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you throw up at just the wrong time.

+++

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club the other night.

I went over and said: “Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?”

“Oh yes, definitely,” she replied.

“Thanks,” I said. “Because you’re making me and the lads a little sick.”

+++

Germany, 1939.

As seen through the eyes of this Lego fan.

***

I went to the doctor yesterday after swallowing some Lego.

I was shitting bricks.

***

Now where did I put my marker pen?

It’s amazing how one little squiggle can make all the difference.

+++

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status

After five, it should default to “Unstable”

+++

Photos That People Post On Facebook

Sometimes a caption is not required.

Well, perhaps a short one.

What the absolute fook?????????

+++

There’s a deal on at my local beauty salon for colonic irrigation.

They’re doing a cut-price November promotion.

They said they’d charge me £80 instead of the usual £150.

EIGHTY QUID??!!!??!!

I told them they could stick it up their… well, you get the idea.

+++

Best Company Name Ever

If you’re going to sell items of an adult nature, it kind of makes sense to name the company appropriately.

Buy your vibrators here.

Industrial strength, plug-in quality I guess.

+++

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

#passtheketchupplease

+++

Text Message Of The Week

I like people who tell it how it is.

Funny bloke.

+++

Fancy a long joke with a lame punchline? Here goes.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said: “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done; glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked: “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.  You see, I’m a genie and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

The husband asked for a million dollars a year for the rest of his life. The wife asked for a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“My wish is this,” said the genie, “I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years so my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

Appreciating their good fortune with the money and houses, the couple agreed.

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked: “How old are you and your husband?”

“We’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No kidding,” he said.

“Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?”

+++

Men vs Women

What she thinks.

What he thinks.

Who says women overcomplicate things?

+++

I remember there was one occasion where I failed to perform sexually.

My girlfriend at the time said: “Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”.

Okay, there are two things wrong with that.

First of all, who are these other guys?

And secondly, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be HER fault?

+++

Juvenile Thing Of The Week

Stupid? Yes.

Worth sharing in the blog? Definitely.

+++

“Who’s there?”
“Knock knock”
“Yes. Come in.”
“I’m here to see the clairvoyant.”

+++

November.

The month of the year when blokes grow a moustache for charity.

Now known as MOVEMBER.

This posh baby is doing his bit.

+++

It’s November.

You can come home now, Wyclef.

+++

Let me introduce you to Jane Fogg. She likes Westlife. When I say she likes them, I mean she loves them. Really, really loves them.

Here’s the story:

“A Westlife ‘super fan’ has blamed the breakdown of her marriage on her obsession with the Irish boy band. Jane Fogg said she had spent £30,000 on merchandise and tickets to see the singers perform over the past 10 years.

“The 44-year-old pub cleaner from Nottingham has nine tattoos dedicated to the band, including five portraits. She said her relationship failed because she loved the band more than anyone, even her husband.”

Let’s get some more information.

“I just love Westlife too much,” she said. “I love them more than I loved my husband. It is the biggest thing in my life.”

Bigger than your husband and kids?

“My son says I’m a complete nutter. My daughter, she likes them as well, but she’s not a super-fan like me.”

No – she’s not a complete fucking freak like you!

Here is the gorgeous lady in question, interviewed on the BBC.

I know what you’re thinking… LESBIAN. Definitely.

+++

News Channel Of The Week

I present to you American station WBTV.

They’re based in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A very helpful illustration to a sad story.

+++

X Factor News

Frankie Cocozza is axed from the show.

“I need medical help,” he said.

Right, who has a number for Dr Conrad Murray?

***

He was sacked for having a cocaine habit.

I thought singers were meant to remember their lines.

***

At least he went out on a high.

***

Do you have a problem with drugs? Has cocaine ruined your career?

Speak to Frank(ie).

Lines cost a lot.

***

Everybody seems to think he’s a Class A wanker.

***

I wish him well in his music career.

With any luck, it’ll last as long as Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

***

Technical problems meant the start of X Factor was delayed by about 20 minutes last Saturday.

But all was fine once they got the auto-tune machine fixed.

+++

The world is full of stupid people.

We now live in a society where we have to help these cretins.

As if opening a carton of milk is difficult!

+++

#sexist-humour

What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it?

A gear stick.

#slightly-less-sexist-humour

Women… if a bloke remembers the colour of your eyes after just one date then your boobs are probably pretty small.

+++

Here’s somewhere to go on a walking holiday.

I will visit it one day.

It’s on my, erm, bucket list.

+++

#oldjokeshome

A man in Glasgow saw a job advertised as a ‘Fanny Waxing Assistant’.

The job was to “remove ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and then rub in oil after waxing.”

Getting excited, the man asks about it at the Job Centre and is told to go to Plymouth.
 
Man: “Plymouth – is that where the job is?”
Glasgow Job Centre: “No, that’s the back of the fucking queue.”

+++

Worst Kids’ Entertainer Ever

So your little one is celebrating their birthday.

You book someone to keep them occupied.

Then this bloke turns up.

Don’t have nightmares, children!

+++

If I cleaned my teeth every day the same way I do when I’m going to the dentist, I’d never need to go to the dentist.

+++

Tattoo Fail Of The Week

Why anyone would want to do this is beyond me anyway.

Stupid idea, stupid tattoo.

Sometime you get what you deserve.

+++

+++

THE DULL AND BORING BIT

If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page for the blog

Get involved, people – feedback always welcome.

Last week’s blog – which you can view here  – was the third most popular ever, with almost FIVE THOUSAND views in seven days. It’s great to see more and more people checking out the nonsense I put together.

Please keep spreading the word – via Facebook, Twitter, forums, email etc – you’re doing a grand job and it’s much appreciated!

+++

+++

66% of Irish People like Jedward.

That’s two turds.

+++

Parenting Skills Of The Week

“Son, when you grow up, you’ll like these.

I look at them when mummy is out of the house.

She doesn’t excite me anymore but these biatches do.”

I could’ve captioned this: Scared Baby Of The Week

The poor kid looks terrified!

+++

People who have Bluetooth headsets need a clip round the ear.

+++

Right, let’s go shopping.

And let’s have a game of Supermarket Scrabble.

(That thing where you rearrange items on shelves to spell out rude words and stuff. Yes – that.)

Thirty – yes, 30 – jars involved.

This must be a contender for best Supermarket Scrabble ever.

+++

I’m a bit of an art lover.

I once bought a painting called Orgasm.

Turned out it was fake.

+++

That Awkward Moment

…when you don’t wipe properly after a poo.

+++

Whatever you do, always give 100%.

Unless you’re donating blood.

+++

A fairy godmother visited me when I was five.

She asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory.

I can’t remember what I chose…

+++

I was stopped by a policeman the other day.

He said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” I replied.

He said: “But there is no traffic.”

To which I answered:

“Well that just indicates how far behind I am.”

+++

And finally…

Prayer Of The Week

Brilliant.

Simply brilliant.

***

Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

***

Same time next week, then.

(Unless I can’t be arsed, obviously.)

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com

www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters

www.twitter.com/djwanker

**********

Friends of the blog include:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook

**

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

**

DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook

**

Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387

**

Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155

**

Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com

**

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk

**

Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk

 
To add your company here, please get in touch!