Merry Christmas, blog reader. I hope the festive season brings you nothing but joy and happiness. Unless you hate me and the blog – which of course begs the question as to why you’re reading it anyway.

With regard to the Christmas lights issue which I raised last week, I don’t have any objection to people putting some bright decorations on the outside of the house. It’s just that some go way beyond the acceptable boundaries of taste and respectability.

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Utterly chav-tastic

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I was in B&Q the other day and a lady in front of me in the queue was buying a Christmas tree. The shop assistant said: “Are you going to put this up yourself?”

Before allowing her to answer, I said: “No, she’s going to put it in the lounge…” Neither the lady or the staff member was sharp enough to appreciate the humour.

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Go on. Speak. Me? How?

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Although I’m not working at Pussycats on Christmas Eve, I will be there quite a bit over the festive season:

Sat 26th Boxing Day Fun

Sun 27th Costas’ Birthday Bash

This should be lively as Monday is a Bank Holiday and therefore most people will be out on the lash as they won’t be working the next day.

Thu 31st New Year’s Eve 2009 into 2010

Fri 1st Jan New Year’s Day

Sat 2nd Jan as normal

See the latest photos in the gallery at the world famous dj wanker website and see the official club pictures here.

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Is that a pearl necklace?

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Get into the festive spirit with these Christmas videos

From 1984, one of my all time favourite records – The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I still have the 7″ vinyl in a gatefold sleeve. It was £1.50 well spent.

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Three years later, this wonderful collaboration made number two in the charts. The late, great Kirsty MacColl joined The Pogues in producing the spine-tingling Fairytale of New York. “You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse I pray God it’s our last.”

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I’ll be surprised if I get one present this Christmas but I’m cool with that. I never know what to ask people to buy me and, in all honesty, I prefer to give than receive. In terms of presents, that is.

So what would be a nice treat from Santa??

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Santa opens his sack once a year

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I didn’t have a football match to report on last Saturday so just chilled out in the afternoon at my weekend retreat in Telford. The landlord was in charge of the remote control so we got a random selection of programmes…

* Have I Got News For You – very funny
* Chuckle Vision – what the f***?
* Friday Night with Jonathan Ross – excellent
* Live At The Apollo – decent
* EastEnders – wrist slashing rubbish
* An Audience With Freddie Starr – retro classic

I would’ve had Sky Sports Soccer Saturday on if the choice had been mine but the landlord doesn’t like football.

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Just found out that an Elvis impersonator used to live in the house. That’s true actually. I’m sure I saw his ghost in the living room one night. I was all shook up.

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There's no ghost, just your suspicious mind

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The Facebook Bit.

Status update of the week:

“Cnt wait 4 new year new start new me fuck the dickheads who ave hurt me this yr bt u aint keepin dwn i stand up n im proud ov wat i ave n got my dawta my fam n gd mates men cum n go my Princess fam n mates r 4 lyf”

People who read the blog who are unfamiliar with Facebook (there can’t be many) have asked if these status updates are genuine. Sadly, I have to admit, they are 100% genuine.

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Da kidz spk lyk dis. Init.

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I’ve changed the names on this status update because *Peggy* reads the blog and is a bit touchy… only joking *Peggy* you old goat!

Sat in McDonalds with Leah. Woman sits down next to us with her food alone. She had a large Big Mac meal, double cheeseburger, nine chicken nuggets and some of those cheese melt things!! She was about a size 12, so god knows where she stores it! Leah says in her very non subtle, non quiet voice ‘look how much food that lady has to herself and she hasn’t even got any kids with her, that’s greedy isn’t it mummy?’

Someone replied:

You should have said ‘Yes, Leah, she’s a greedy fat twat.’

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One of my FB friends went on a bit of a frenzy and joined loads of groups and fan pages on the same day – why she did this I really don’t know and I really don’t care. Although I care enough to share the information with you, obviously. She joined…

* “Why do I bother with you?”
* “Ignoring me? Two can play that game.”
* “Even though I hate you, I’d still shag you.”
* “Just because I like your status it doesn’t mean I like you.”

The nonsense continued…

* “Stop fucking around and just tell me how you feel.”
* “Tell me why you’re upset? I can’t – the reason is you.”
* “When I push you away, don’t leave – it’s times like that I need you to stay.”
* “I can switch from happy to psycho in less than two minutes … don’t go there.”

I really hope she’s not reading the blog – or if she is, she doesn’t realise I’m laughing at her. Oh, here’s some more she joined…

* “I love knowing you bitch about me then watching you be nice to my face.”
* “It still takes me ages to get to sleep on Christmas Eve.”
* “I’ve just got over liking you and then you text me and I’m back to square one.”

And then there was one more…

* “N Dubz are better than Linkin Park.”

Confirmation if confirmation was required… she’s mental.

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I did get an invite to join one group which seemed appropriate to me…

“I look at the menu for ages then just order what I always have.”

…but in the end I didn’t bother.

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It wasn't a kiss I wanted her to blow

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This is what we pay our taxes for.

Leicester Mercury:

“A hairdresser was caught smoking in the doorway of his salon when a council environmental health officer drove past. Matthew Charles Bates, of Michael Charles Hair Salon in Cross Street, Blaby, was fined £100 and ordered to pay £320 costs after the on-duty officer, waiting at traffic lights, looked out of her car and saw him having a cigarette in the doorway of his business.”

This salon is near where I live and the pavement by the business doesn’t attract many pedestrians as it’s not in a busy area. I doubt anyone was actually troubled by this guy having a fag outside. He’s now £420 worse off. I’ve even been into the salon and given the bloke a pack of fags and bottle of wine. I don’t know him but just wanted to show some support.

It’s typical of our over-zealous nanny state with people in jobs for the sake of being in a job and spreading misery. From what I can gather, the environmental officer was an officious jobsworth cock of the highest order. I hope she has a grim Christmas.

Health and Safety, my arse.

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Here’s another, erm, festive-ish video worth checking out… it’s Avid Merrion’s Proper Crimbo from 2003.

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Miley Cyrus was on the telly with Alan Carr last week. She’s still a spoilt, showbiz brat – not quite in the Jordan and Katona oxygen thief envelope but give it time.

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Not as good as her dad

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Tiger Woods is taking time off golf to work on his marriage. He’s been asked to appear in a pantomime – but they’ve had to rename the show.

“Woods in the Babes.”

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Why are con men called con men? They’re usually quite good so surely they should be called pro men.

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Michael Jackson fans.

Ensure you win the BBC3 show ‘Move Like Michael Jackson’ by lying very still in a box.

I suppose given the standard rate of decomposition, now is the perfect time for a Thriller comeback tour.

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I'm a bad-ass dead motherfucker cha'mone

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Have you noticed how contestants on reality shows like X Factor and Big Brother talk about going on ‘a journey’? Let’s hope that journey takes them back to where they belong – stacking shelves alongside the other non-entities in Asda.

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Top Tips from Viz magazine:

“Cat and dog owners – your pets have no concept of Christmas. Don’t buy them a card or present. It’s just silly.”

While the Top Tips page from Viz is deliberate sarcasm, there is actually more than a jot of truth in that.

I don’t put “Merry Christmas to Johnny, Clare, the kids and Rover the dog” in my Christmas card to you – so don’t put a fucking paw print in mine.

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Separated at birth – The footballer Theo Walcott and Marvin from JLS

Theo ?

Marvin ?

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And finally…

Remember this – a dog is not just for Christmas… with any luck there’ll be some left over for Boxing Day.

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Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

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Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize website

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dw sports website

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Shropshire’s finest clothing line
letthekidsdance website

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For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
slideandhide website

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Booze and grub delivered to your door in Telford
Fast Food Frenzy – 07772 203 241

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Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
sophies choice cleaning website

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To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 16th DECEMBER

Reasons to dislike Christmas: chavs decorating the outside of their houses with an inordinate amount of lights.

My rule of thumb is this… the more lights there are, the lower class the house owner is.

This looks shit

The chavs haven’t thought this through. They’ll have to pay for the electricity out of their benefits. They could’ve spent that money on the usual fags and booze and junk food.

Or maybe they get free or discounted gas and electric from the council.

Some lights are nice; a lot are vile. Just like the owner.

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So the winner of X Factor this year is a bland nobody, releasing an utter pile of dirge. Why does everyone get so excited about this show?

Let me offer a wager that his album will be in the discount bin in 12 months time, he’ll be dropped by his record label in two years and singing on a cruise ship in the Med in three years.

This guy is not a star and never will be.

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Good job I didn’t over-react to Leicester City’s back-to-back league defeats. Normal service was resumed with a 3-0 win at the weekend.

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More Christmas parties were out and about at Pussycats at the weekend and I guess the same will be true over the next week or so. You get people coming out who probably don’t do much clubbing for the rest of the year and certainly over-indulge to some comic effect!

It's a tough job

Check out the latest photos in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – the official club pictures are at www.telfordnightlife.co.uk – come and see me for a photo, you know where to find me – also get a sticker and a shout out. Just remember your manners…

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My services aren’t required on Christmas Eve at Pussycats this year so I’ll probably head into Leicester with my best mate Phil (that’s DJ Phat Phil, who plays funky tunes at Vox Bar every Saturday, by the way) for some liquid refreshments. I can see it getting messy.

It’s what Jesus would’ve wanted. If he ever existed. Which he probably didn’t. But let’s not let the truth stand in the way of an excuse to over-indulge. Quite a few £1 drinks at Walkabout have our names on them. And it would be rude not to partake at that price.

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I will be at Cats on New Year’s Eve in charge of the main room as per the last three years.

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The International Centre in Telford staged the UK snooker championships last week. One of the competitors was Mark Selby who, like me, is from Leicester. He returned from a match one night to find his room had been ransacked with several items stolen, including his car keys – and then discovered to no great surprise that his fancy motor had been nicked.

There’s a pretty good chance that the thief was from Telford and knew exactly what he was doing and who he was targeting. Selby is probably no stranger to scumbag criminals as he grew up in an area of Leicester called New Parks which is like a larger version of Sutton Hill or Malinslee.

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Sometimes a TV show is ideally named for those who watch it. Let me give you an example… a programme mainly viewed by people waiting for death: Countdown.

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Some status updates airing dirty washing on Facebook are funny. Some are out of order. Some are random. And some are like this:

“I TELL U WOT MUM U WANT ME TO SLATE U I SHALL !!! u need 2 grow up and wake up to the real world not everything is going 2 go ur way, u cant stamp ur feet just cuz it doesnt. i cnt believe u kicking off bcuz i cnt av 8 ppl in a 2bed flat. ur a spoilt brat and immature thats y every1 ends up fallin out with u in end. u seem to 4get how much stuff u put us ova 3 kids through and 3YRS DNT MAKE UP FOR IT!!

And go on disown me again us lot are used to it we never bin good enough as *****, **** and ***** (names removed) ..obviously….3yrs dnt make up for the rest of missin the rest of our life or wot u put us through wen u did have us…. OUR DAD IS NOT PERFECT BUT HE TOOK US ON AND IF IT WASNT FOR HIM WE DONT NO WHERE WE WUD B !!!”

Come on love, tell us what you REALLY think.

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Here’s what I’d write about my mum “I love you more today than I did yesterday and not as much as I will tomorrow.”

And the same goes for my dad.

Anyone thinking I’ve gone all soppy will suffer temporary memory loss and never mention what I’ve just said…

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You know you’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

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Groups on Facebook I may avoid joining:

“Anatidaephobia – the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you” This group has nearly 100,000 members!

“I like spoons!” Congratulations to the 16 members who joined.

“I have texted lying down and dropped my phone on my face.” Over 200,000 members… grow up.

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From BBC news:

A woman who was given an anti-social behaviour order banning her from making loud noises during sex has admitted breaching the order. Caroline and Steve Cartwright’s love-making was described as “murder” and “unnatural” at Newcastle Crown Court. Neighbour Rachel O’Connor said: ‘The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain. I have never ever heard anything like it.”

Here are what the sexy people look like…

Keep the noise down

Well, you can see the attraction…

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Nike sponsor Tiger Woods.

Their advertising slogan is: “Just Do It.”

I think he took brand loyalty a little too far.

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One of the women who claims to have had a fling with Tiger Woods told American TV this week that he would text other ladies while in bed with her. “I don’t think he’s an honest man,” she said.

As honest as sleeping with someone you know is married then?

For the record, and to avoid any accusations of throwing stones in a glass house, I must admit that I have slept with a married woman before.

I said to her: “Look Angelina, it’s a secret between us – I won’t tell Brad.”

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Tesco have withdrawn a light-hearted Christmas card which said: “Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones.” This follows a complaint from over-sensitive customer Davinia Phillips who has, yes you guessed it, three ginger children as well as way too much time on her hands.

Here is what the humourless bitch looks like…

Not for me, thanks

After looking at that I can imagine you’re thinking the same as me: “Who was the lucky man who shagged her at least three times?”

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I can see a day when someone complains about my blog to the police. Someone did actually threaten to do that earlier this year. She committed a criminal offence (but the complainant didn’t report it to the cops) and I berated her for her behaviour. I still have her email somewhere. I read it whenever I need cheering up.

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It’s very hard to have sympathy with the burglar in Buckinghamshire who tied up a man and his family in their home and then suffered permanent brain damage after being viciously attacked with a cricket bat as he fled the scene of the crime. I don’t agree with vigilante behaviour but none of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t committed the offence in the first place.

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Another joke from Jimmy Carr: “My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying: “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

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And finally… I hope plenty of postmen were intending to fly with British Airways this Christmas. See how they like it.
 
 
 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
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The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:
 
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http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com
 
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
 
DW Sports Fitness Gym (JJB), Telford 01952 201113
www.dwsportsfitness.co.uk  

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www.letthekidsdance.co.uk

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
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Booze and grub delivered to your door in Telford

Fast Food Frenzy – 07772 203 241

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To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 9th DECEMBER

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions.”

The words of Tiger Woods after a string of women claim they’ve had sexual liaisons with the world’s greatest golfer.

He’s a greedy man – 18 holes clearly not enough for him…

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I’d rather not mention football this week after my boys lost 5-1 and 3-1 in the space of a few days. The temptation is to overreact but I’ll try and rein it in for the moment.

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It still amuses and slightly baffles me why people who don’t like the blog and moan about the content still read it. I would’ve thought you’d got the hang of this by now.

It’s where I…

* express opinions
* settle scores
* embark on childish vendettas
* stand up for right-thinking people
* criticise oxygen thieves
* pity people who stalk radio DJs
* stick up for mates
* annoy the dwindling bunch of Government supporters
* talk about things which are none of my business
* generally say what a lot of people think.

Sometimes it’s over-the-top; sometimes I don’t go far enough in saying what I truly believe.

But it is what it is.

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The landlord of my Telford residence has turned down the heating and potpourri plug-ins to a more acceptable level. At last – he listens!

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It’s starting to get busier at Pussycats as the festive season arrives. See my latest photos in the gallery at www.djwanker.com - the official club pictures are at www.telfordnightlife.co.uk – and I suspect we’ll be seeing some rather bonkers activity over the next few weeks

We’ve already had some Christmas work parties in the club. Becs, Tom and the gang from Windsor Life and the DW Sports Fitness crew were out last weekend – the best comedy value came from a large group of hockey players from Birmingham. The knee-sliding was genius. You had to be there, obviously.

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It’s a quarter of a century since Band Aid topped the charts and started raising money for Ethiopia. One of the famous lines in the song is:

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.”

Well I imagine after 25 years of fund-raising they can now afford a snow machine.

(Technically, of course, Mount Kilimanjaro is in Africa and the top is covered in show.)

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In Telford? Hungry? Lazy? Fancy a McDonald’s, KFC or a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Get your fast food and booze delivered to your door – call Ian or Lee at the Fast Food Frenzy team on 07772 203 241.

Now that’s what I call a service.

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The boring Dr Who bit.

I picked up Aaleyah after school last week and she insisted on watching some old episodes from one of her (and one of my) favourite shows. She’s 13, fancies David Tennant and really gets into the storylines.

Completely out of the blue, she asked: “If the Doctor can go anywhere in time and space, why doesn’t he go back to his planet Gallifrey and save all the timelords who died in the Time War?”

Now according to the Doctor, some points in time are fixed and some are in flux – and the Time War is a fixed point. So I pointed this out.

“Are we a pair of geeks?” She asked.

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Kids do ask the most awkward questions. When she got in the car, she started looking on the floor and under her seat.

“What are you doing, Aaleyah?

“I’m just seeing if there are necklaces here.”

“Why would there be a necklace here?”

“Because you might have been doing ‘birds and the bees’ in the car.”

Sometimes even I struggle for words.

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I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here.

Jordan got a lovely surprise when she came out of the jungle – she found out she’d written another two novels!

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Well done to the bloke who won it this year. Some chef I’ve never heard of but who my mum likes.

He’s in a bit of bother over killing, cooking and eating a rat on the show.

It was disgusting. Although not as vile as the close-up pictures of Jordan’s face.

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Men vs Women – Part 6 of 6

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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With regard to the Men vs Women bit last week, Kerry Ashmore messaged me in defence of the ladies:

“Women somehow deteriorate in the night as they dress up to go to bed and do all the work in the bedroom. Men wake up the same due to the fact they fall into bed with no effort – and then get up after a night with no effort.”

Feedback always welcome.

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The boring politics bit.

Desperate measures from the Labour party who are trying to discredit David Cameron, saying he’s out of touch with ‘real people’ because he had a fabulous education and went to a posh public school. This is the same Labour party who had Tony Blair as leader for 10 years – the same Tony Blair, who, erm, had a fabulous education and went to a posh public school…

More stone-throwing glass-house hypocrisy from Labour in the run up to the General Election, I imagine.

I’m sure someone (possibly a character called B.D.M.) will put me straight if I’ve got these facts wrong…

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Comedian and writer Ben Elton is moving to Australia because he hates the way the UK is being run. He made his name in the 1980s by, erm, moaning about the way the UK was being run.

Let’s hope it’s a one-way ticket, Ben.

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Jimmy Carr: There was one occasion where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all, who are these other guys? And second of all, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?

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From the letters page at Viz magazine: “The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.”

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And finally… British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough – use an ashtray!

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
www.twitter.com/djwanker

The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

DW Sports Fitness Gym (JJB), Telford 01952 201113
www.dwsportsfitness.co.uk

Shropshire’s finest clothing line
www.letthekidsdance.co.uk

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
www.slideandhide.co.uk

Booze and grub delivered to your door in Telford
Fast Food Frenzy – 07772 203 241

Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
www.sophieschoicecleaning.co.uk

Central Taxis 01952 50 10 50
www.501050.co.uk

To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 2nd DECEMBER

Okay I’m back.

Just needed a week off the blog to crack on with other work. A person has to earn a living, you know. I also had some other stuff going on which didn’t exactly have me in a great frame of mind.

I was in London last week commentating on a couple of football matches and then returned there on Saturday for another – it was all a bit hectic, dashing down after DJ-ing on Friday and back up after the game for the Saturday session. Then it was straight home as I had another match to cover on Sunday. It was a financially beneficial 48 hours but left me utterly shattered.

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All this driving in the past week meant stopping at a lot of motorway service stations. Every single one seems to have an amusement arcade with a car game. Surely no-one loves driving that much?

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I have now completed my residential transfer in Telford. My weekend lodgings have moved from St George’s to, erm, another place in, erm, a different area. The new landlord seems like a reasonable bloke although he does favour Glade plug-ins at full volume. If I die through choking on potpourri fumes then you know who to blame…

In all honesty, I was glad to get out of the crib. Things were going on which didn’t fit comfortably with me and I considered giving you the full story in the blog. However, I’ve decided to keep my feelings to myself for the time being.

And so we move on…

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Twitter update of the week from Tom Bishton, barman at Pussycats, have-a-go hero and all-round bundle of entertainment:

“I swear as the days go on it’s getting colder and colder.”

I await this update from him next summer:

“I swear it’s warmer than it was in the winter.”

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Facebook status of the week:

“Splify on da gwarn wif bonz lad n simko lol telfrd talk x BLAG”

Any idea what the fook that means? Answers on a postcard to the usual address…

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I play golf in a manner similar to Tiger Woods. I’m always driving into trees as well.

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“That was a close shave.”

Tiger Woods taking his advertising for Gillette a bit too seriously.

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I know it’s wrong to make jokes about Tiger so soon after his accident. He’s probably still feeling under par.

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Television news: A laptop has been stolen from one of the writers on EastEnders. It included top-secret scripts for the Christmas episodes.

Now I’m not privy to any inside information but let me guess what the festive season has in store for the residents of Albert Square…

“Everyone has a miserable Christmas.”

Yeah, that probably just about covers it.

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That karaoke bore-fest is STILL polluting our Saturday and Sunday night TV screens. X Factor seems to drag on forever.

I could probably just about tolerate it if it was on quietly in the background while I enjoyed a bottle of Merlot, a case of Ferrero Rocher and some intelligent female company.

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I’ve mentioned Dr Who a few times recently in the blog. Yes, it’s one of my favourite shows and yes, I’m looking forward to the two episodes over Christmas and New Year. It got me wondering whether I was really a full-on Dr Who geek – so I found a forum where fans of the show get together.

It seems I have nothing to worry about. These people are the epitome of sad. The word ‘anorak’ barely does them justice. They make their own Dr Who TV trailers. They dissect every line from every episode for secret hidden meanings. They write page after page on *what might happen* to this character and that character.

I managed to spend five minutes on the forum before just about losing the will to live. Each to their own and all that but it was uber-geek territory.

I imagine some of these people queue up for computer games for their midnight release…

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I could be a scriptwriter on Dr Who. Imagine he visits 10,000 years into the future, steps out of the TARDIS and says: “I see the DFS ’sale’ still hasn’t ended.”

Erm, okay then. I’ll leave it.

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Sad news this week – a four year old boy was mauled to death in Liverpool by a vicious dog.

I hope Kerry Katona has an alibi.

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We’ve got loads of great things lined up for Christmas and New Year at Pussycats, Whispers, Vox and Crush and we hope you can be part of our fantastic festive frolics. My latest set of photos from Pussycats are in the gallery at www.djwanker.com - and the official club pictures are at www.telfordnightlife.co.uk.

Maximum brownie points for the baldie!

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Okay, I can’t resist… she’s a lazy, sour-faced borderline-obsessive cow; he’s properly under the thumb – but at least he didn’t have the opportunity to put his back-stabbing plan into action.

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News from the Shropshire Star: “Diggers will soon be on a Telford estate to start the next stage of a £1 million plan to revamp the area. Building work can now begin in Woodside after several demolitions around the estate.”

Am I the only one thinking they need more than a million quid to rescue that place?

*****

Warning – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.

Especially if you’re in Portugal and can’t be arsed to pay for a babysitter.

*****

Men vs Women – Part 5 of 6

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

The final part of this series is next week

*****

From the letters page at Viz magazine: “I’m not sure which group I hate the most out of U2 and Coldplay but I think U2 has The Edge.”

*****

And finally… isn’t using the phrase ‘bootylicious’ just the polite way of saying someone has a really fat arse?
 

 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

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The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:

Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com

Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627

DW Sports Fitness Gym (JJB), Telford 01952 201113
www.dwsportsfitness.co.uk

Shropshire’s finest clothing line
www.letthekidsdance.co.uk

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
www.slideandhide.co.uk

Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
www.sophieschoicecleaning.co.uk

Central Taxis 01952 50 10 50
www.501050.co.uk  

To add your company here, please get in touch!

 
 
 
 
 
WEDNESDAY 18th NOVEMBER

 
 
 
 
I’m a lion, apparently. I’m taking a journey on the yellow brick road. Let’s hope the Wizard of Oz can cure this problem I supposedly have.
 
*****
 
A clarification.
 
I wasn’t describing people who play computer games as “utter sad twats” in the blog last week – it was aimed at those who queued at midnight when the new ‘Call of Duty’ game was released in the shops.
 
Couldn’t you wait until lunchtime the next day? Or the next week? Or wait to get it as a Christmas present? Did you really have to have it there and then, race home and get playing at 1am in the morning?
 
Well it appears that many people did. I personally find that extremely sad – just my opinion.

*****

That said, I suppose all these people acting out their solo fantasies in front of a computer screen is not dissimilar to my favourite hobby before going to bed…
 
*****
 
I had to laugh at this from the BBC website last week:
 
“Thousands of gamers may have been cut off from Microsoft’s online gaming service Xbox Live for modifying their consoles to play pirated games.”
 
I’m struggling to find any sympathy.

*****
 
This is what happened on Wednesday 11th November 2009:
 
Geoff Peters, aka Mr DJ Wanker, described X Factor in his blog as “karaoke for a thick generation.”
 
Gordon Sumner, aka the singer Sting, described X Factor in a newspaper as “cynical televised karaoke.”

*****

Another clarification.
 
I mentioned last week that I thought it was a bit sad that so many people update their Facebook status, expressing real anger, when the X Factor results come in on a Sunday night.
 
I like people expressing an opinion although I prefer it when they make it reasonably constructive. Then again, I don’t really expect constructive criticism from the primarily young Facebook generation.
 
*****
 
Facebook status:
 
<name removed> “is starten 2 realise alot of fings right now… “
 
That she needs a dictionary for Christmas?

*****
 
Some guy called Ian offering some girl called Katie advice on blokes via Facebook:
 
“dnt try looking 4 a relationship cz u rush in2 fings wiv sum1 dat u really dnt want so sit bk,relax n i bet u dat mr right wil cum 2u”

*****
 
Even more from Facebook this week:

Belinda “grrrr y do ppl fukin interfear all da bastard tym, get on wit ya own lives n let ppl b fukin appy”

Craig “dont worry about it baby…as long as u r happy then we’ll be fine init”

Belinda “yea i am appy but y do ppl av 2 interfear all da tym.. fuk um 2bh u no who ur friends r.. cnt ova ppl b appy”
 
Craig “well there u go we’re happy so take no notice babe let them say wot they want i know ur not doin it and so do u so we’re fine aint we”

Carly-ann “beathe lol”
 
Katie “Some ppl r only happy when there stirin with other ppl aslong as u 2 know the truth just ignore every1 else”

Belinda “i no thxs it jus fuks me off wen ppl av 2 try n make fings difficult 4 ya, but if dey wana bull shit up 2 dem.. n oh C apparently i messed J n A around lyk fuk did i… mre lyk otha way around. i ay fukin laughin.  if it carries on am jus deletin face book cnt b arsed gotta beta fings 2 do den let ppl gossip bwt me fukin lyf”

 
Okay, we’ll leave you guys to it.
   
*****
 
I was getting jiggy with a fat girl once, many years ago.
 
She said: “You know what I want, don’t you?”
 
I replied: “Yes, the whole fucking bed!”
 
She might not have been the best looking woman but beauty is only a light switch away.

*****
 
So how was Dr Who for you then?
 
I think the ‘Waters of Mars’ special on Sunday was one of the best since the show returned in 2005. They could, perhaps, have trimmed it down to 50 minutes to make it tighter but that would be the only tiny criticism.
 
I was sat on my sofa transfixed by a thrilling plot and cracking dialogue, not knowing how they’d get to the end and set up David Tennant’s final two shows.
 
It was a real shock to the system when The Doctor turned into a megalomaniac which certainly didn’t sit comfortably with how he’d operated before. I thought Adelaide was going to shoot him. Then it twisted back again as she killed herself and Tennant produced a couple of minutes of inspired acting, facing the Ood, fearing his song was going to end there and then.
 
I like Dr Who because it combines drama, comedy, emotion, underlying subtexts, plot arcs which stretch over different series, subtle nods to the past and there is that quintessentially English feel about it.
 
You can probably tell that I’m quite looking forward to the Christmas and New Year episodes…
 
*****

Full credit to Sammy Dolan from Telford who is doing rather well with his own clothing label. You can check out his fine range of gear at www.letthekidsdance.co.uk – it’s way too cool for someone like me who shops at Asda, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, BHS, Primark and Burton et al.
 
The company has been featured in the Sunday Express as well as Front magazine and FHM.com.
 
PS. Some of the men’s t-shirts are fantastic and not expensive either. Sam has promised a discount for blog readers so message me if you’re interested.

*****

The big chests were out in force at Pussycats last weekend. I even had customers saying they wanted me to take photos of their bouncing bazookas for my website. See for yourself in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – I’m liking this new trend and long may it continue.
 
That said, I prefer a woman to have a cute ass rather than great breasts. I accept I’m in a minority of men with regard to that. Although a man of my age and average looks has to be grateful for any offer these days.
 
*****
 
On the subject of enormous jugs, I see that Katie Price – erm I mean Jordan, erm I mean Katie, erm I mean Jordan… okay, that talentless oxygen thief – has gone into the jungle on ‘I’m A Celebrity’. You can’t blame her – she’s getting the thick end of half a million quid if the tabloids are to be believed.
 
The money is not her inspiration, of course. She’s gone there after a difficult year to “get closure.” Let’s hope she gets closure. Stay there you terrible woman and we’ll close the door behind you.
 
Peter can keep the kids as he seems like a decent bloke.
 
*****

Thanks to everyone for their feedback about the blog last week especially with regard to ‘The Sperminator’ aka the shag-happy Telford internet love-rat. Most people agreed with my assertion that while he was obviously a reckless twat, the gullible women involved also lacked responsibility.
 
The Princess Diana joke raised an eyebrow or two (come on, it’s 12 years since she died, let’s get over it, none of us knew her personally…) and this was my favourite message: “Bad taste about Diana – but I nearly pissed myself laughing.”

*****

There were a couple of army guys in Cats on Saturday in full military uniform. They’d been to a wedding, I think. One had ginger hair and I pointed him out via the microphone.
 
“Ladies and gentleman, Prince Harry is here.”
 
I probably shouldn’t have followed up with: “How’s your mum? Oh shit, sorry.”

*****

Men vs Women – Part 4 of 6

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

 
Part five in this series next week.

*****

A friend of mine is trying to raise funds for the Neuroblastoma society after a nine-year-old boy she knew died from this rare cancer. For more information go to www.nsoc.co.uk and www.justgiving.com/stephanie-poole.

*****
 
Plucking fantastic.
 
I think Trudy at Tantalize really enjoyed ripping out my eyebrows last week. I’m in for a back wax this week. I think they take pleasure in seeing a grown man wince and groan. It’s okay though; I take a sadistic pleasure from having it done!

*****
 
From the letters page at Viz magazine: “A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that ‘God would make her better.’ Presumably that’s a different God to the one that almost killed her with a tornado.”
 
*****

And finally… news on Jimmy Carr’s new diet book. He’s calling it: “Put that down, fatty, you’ve had enough.”

 
  
 
 
 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com  
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters  
www.twitter.com/djwanker
 
 
The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:
 
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com
 
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
 
DW Sports Fitness Gym (formerly JJB), Telford 01952 201113
www.dwsportsfitness.co.uk  
 
Shropshire’s finest clothing line
www.letthekidsdance.co.uk

For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
www.slideandhide.co.uk  
 
Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
www.sophieschoicecleaning.co.uk  

Central Taxis 01952 50 10 50
www.501050.co.uk   

 
 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

 
 
 
 
 
 
WEDNESDAY 11th NOVEMBER

 
 
 
 
What an exciting week!
 
Queued for hours outside Asda for the midnight release on Monday of the new ‘Call of Duty’ computer game just so I could be one of the first to play it.
 
Oh hang on – no I didn’t. I’m a sensible grown up. I’ll leave that geeky bollocks for the utter sad twats. Get a life.
 
FAIL.
 
*****
 
Things I would like to see…
 
People talking about X Factor on their Facebook status updates on a Sunday evening. Why do people not mention it?
 
That is obviously another piece of sarcasm. X Factor has the Facebook world in a vice-like grip.
 
* “Fukin Simon Cowell wadda prik.”
 
* “I h8 dem twinz.”
 
* “Not watchin dat shit agen til da twins r out.”
 
* “Dat show makes me fukin angry.”
 
* “Twins shud get a lyf and Cowel to.”
 
Yawn. It’s karaoke for a thick generation. Get over it.
 
*****
 
Do not disturb me this Sunday night between 7 and 8. My phone will be switched off. Got to give Dr Who my full attention.
 
I, of course, reserve the right to update my Facebook status with my views on that particular programme. And I imagine I’ll write about it here next week.
 
Yes, yes, yes – I am a Dr Who geek… but I wouldn’t queue outside a shop for the midnight release of a Dr Who DVD/Dalek helmet/computer game etc.
 
*****
 
Facebook status update of the week (1):
 
“Guna stick d fire on, b4 goin bk t work at 3! Early nyt tnyt me finks!”
 
Yeh me finks dats da best fing 4 u 2 do innit.
 
 
Facebook status update of the week (2):
 
Kayleigh wrote: “Had A Gud Nyt Last Nyt Talken Bwt Shit Lyk Ghosts Scaren Da Crap Owt Ov Ourselves Ha! Shud B A Nuva Gd Nyt Cumen On”
 
I replied: “I’m sending a ghost to your house tonight, Kayleigh. You’ll recognise which ghost I’m sending… it’ll be the one with a dictionary.”
 
Kayleigh subsequently pointed out that she’s “shit at spelling” as if there’s nothing she can do about it. I imagine it must be hard for some people to spell such difficult words as…
 
* Good
* Night
* Talking
* About
* Like
* Scaring
* The
* Out
* Should
* Another
* Coming
 
Well it must be hard to spell those words… if you’re SEVEN YEARS OLD !
 
I don’t mind a bit of ‘text talk’ to save some time but when you spell ‘out’ as ‘owt’ it’s the same bloody length!
 
 
Facebook status update of the week (3):
 
Katie Jarvis wrote: “What goes around comes around Sooo u need to watch out u Fat fuckin bitch u Think its fuckin funny lieing about somethink that was never true ur just sick and twisted and ur defo no fuckin mother of mine as far as im concerened u can go rot in fuckin hell!!”
 
Ooooh, get you!
 
*****
 
Here is a ‘conversation’ I had with some dork called Ryan Campbell: (who I have subsequently deleted as a friend) on my Facebook wall last week…
 
RC: Saf
Me: What ??
 
RC: Saf m8
Me: Apologies for my ignorance… I only speak English
 
RC: Yes saf m8
Me: What does ’saf’ mean though?
 
RC: Muf w fu M8. Saf m8
Me:  Give me a minute while I consult the ‘chav dictionary’
 
RC: Ha ha saf
Me: The ‘chav dictionary’ doesn’t recognise the word ’saf’ or ‘muf’ or ‘w fu’
 
RC: No at u r saf m8
Me: Ah right – I should’ve looked in the ‘Telford Dictionary’
 
RC: Saf gud ida m8 saf
Me: The ‘Telford Dictionary’ suggests ’saf’ might mean ’safe’ – am I right ?
 
RC: On u mud. Dot oud saf m8
 
* DELETE *
 
*****
 
The big story of the week was this belter from the News of the World…
 
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/586565/The-Sperminator-Facebook-cheater-Dominic-Baronet-gets-12-girls-pregnant.html
 
“Love rat Dominic Baronet from Telford has been branded The Sperminator for getting TWELVE girls pregnant after wooing them on the social networking site – two of them on the SAME DAY. Five women are now raising his KIDS, five were talked into ABORTIONS and two are EXPECTING. For years the laptop lust hunter has secretly preyed on women with his smooth internet patter.”
 
I think my favourite tabloid phrase in that is: laptop lust hunter.
 
Having been in the Sunday papers myself – I was ‘romantically linked’ with the girlfriend of a football manager back in 2001, it made the front page of the Sunday People and was in the NOTW and others, I may tell you the full story one day if the lawyers allow – I never believe every cough and splutter of these stories.
 
I bet he hasn’t really impregnated twelve women but clearly he is a bit of a lad. As someone who doesn’t like hypocrites, I must be honest that there have been occasions when I was much younger where I may have spun a line to impress a woman. Now I just say what I think and people have to like it or lump it.
 
There’s part of me who salutes the cheek of this bloke (what they saw in him, I don’t know) although cheating in relationships is reprehensible.
 
However, these gullible women have to take some responsibility. If they’d shown a bit more respect for themselves – keeping their legs shut or insisting he wore a condom etc – then they would have less to complain about.
 
One of the girls who went to the newspaper with the story is a Facebook friend of mine. I know her because she comes into Pussycats. I doubt she’ll be in for a while in her state – although there are plenty of women around Telford who look like they might be pregnant.
 
*****
 
Here were some of the comments posted about the story on the NOTW website:
 
* “If ugly girls weren’t allowed to use Facebook, they couldn’t be seduced by desperate losers.”
 
* “Looking at those photos, I think the ’slappernator’ would be more appropriate.”
 
* “What a pair of trollops, no wonder he didn’t hang around!!”
 
* “If I was him I’d be well embarrassed … these two are ugly!!”
 
* “I admire the guy for getting 12 girls pregnant, and he isn’t even good-looking. Wish I had his charm.”
 
* “CHAV-TASTIC!”
 
 I think we need to get Jeremy Kyle involved.
 
*****
 
The final word on the subject goes to Dee Austin who sarcastically suggested: “At least the kids will have a big family network.”
 
*****
 
We had another wonderfully busy weekend at Pussycats. Yet again the honeys with the big bazookas happily posed for some photos and you can see them for yourself in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – I’m always quite happy to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society if it means extra hits on my website!
 
I was thrilled that Phil, my best mate (in the world… ever!), popped into Cats after work on Saturday. He’s never been to Telford to see me DJ (it’ll be seven years next April since I started) because he’s also a DJ and, being very good at his job, is always in demand.
 
He was spinning the tunes in Vox Bar in the town centre last Saturday and absolutely loved it. You really should go and check him out – before heading to Cats afterwards, obviously! Welcome to the team, Phil. I hope the customers and management appreciate him as much as I do.
 
But TMDAIKY… <private joke>
 
PS. Add him on Facebook – Phil Mansfield – he’s on my friends list.
 
*****
 
Notice of an event at Pussycats – on Friday 20th November we’ll be raising money for Children In Need with a themed night called: “Sexy Pajama Party.”
 
That is not a spelling mistake from me. Obviously it should be ‘pyjama’ as we’re English and not American but the man at the helm of our slick PR machine (who I mustn’t name because I’ll get untold grief) says it was a deliberate cock-up “to attract attention.”
 
I did point out to him that, judging by Facebook, most people in Telford can’t spell anyway.
 
*****

Men vs Women – Part 3 of 6

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 
Part four in this series next week.
 
*****
 
From the Daily Telegraph: “The number of jobless university leavers is predicted to have reached the 100,000 mark, up from 70,000 last year, when the latest unemployment figures are released.”
 
I can think of one who can’t be arsed to get a job after university because they’re a complete and utter… [edited]
 
*****
 
Telly news.
 
Benidorm has completed its run and every single hour-long episode was sheer brilliance. Whether they can manufacture another series looks unlikely but you never know.
 
I loved it last weekend when Madge was being ferried about in the back of the vehicle, just as the Pope would, with Gregorian chanting on the show’s soundtrack, and the local Catholics started waving and worshipping… Madge, smoking a fag, flicked them the V-sign.
 
Much funnier to see than for me to try and explain. Yes, you had to be there. Sort of.
 
The best visual gag of the whole series for me was in the first episode where Mel was promoting a mobility scooter for people with, erm, a tendency to poo at the wrong time. The advert on the back was this:
 
“COMING SOON

Don’t get caught between two stools !”
 
Blink and you miss it. Genius.
 
*****
 
Have I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to Dr Who this Sunday?
 
*****
 
From the letters page at Viz magazine: “My granddad keeps forgetting where his allotment is. I think he’s lost the plot.”
 
*****
 
I’m probably the last person to stick up for Gordon Brown but he’s had a lot of unfair criticism this week about an error he made in a letter to the mother of a soldier killed in action. Yes, it’s extremely sad when anyone dies in the line of armed duty and we all have great sympathy for parents who lose their children but if I’d lost someone, I’d have bigger things to worry about than a slight grammatical error.
 
Let’s retain a sense of perspective.
 
He took the time to send a handwritten letter to a bereaved mother. She went to the papers to complain and he apologised. He might be an utter useless gimp for everything else but to clout him with a big stick over this is just unnecessary.
 
*****
 
Don’t worry – the usual Brown-bashing will return again soon.
 
*****
 
And finally… a very, very, very bad taste joke.
 
The Queen Mother bumps into Princess Diana up in Heaven and says: “Hello dear, I see you’ve been rewarded for all the important charity work you did while you were on Earth. Would it be possible for me to get a Halo just like yours?”
 
Diana replies: “Fuck off nan, it’s a steering wheel!”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
www.twitter.com/djwanker
 
 
The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:
 
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com
 
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
 
JJB Gym, Telford 01952 201113
www.jjbfitness.co.uk
 
Central Taxis 01952 50 10 50
www.501050.co.uk
 
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
www.slideandhide.co.uk
 
Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
www.sophieschoicecleaning.co.uk
 
 
To add your company here, please get in touch!

WEDNESDAY 28th OCTOBER

Hello and welcome to this week’s random selection of nonsense. Have you really got nothing better to do?

*****

Hallowe’en is here and there are some seriously scary sights in Telford.

Oh insert your own punchline…

*****

Anyway, we’ve got the big event covered at Pussycats this weekend and are hoping the beautiful people of Shropshire and beyond will chuck on their horror-themed fancy dress and come out to party on Friday and Saturday night. Don’t forget that admission is free before 11.30pm every Friday with a special pass which you can get from Whispers Bar next door.

My latest photos from the club are in the gallery at www.djwanker.com as usual so feel free to see what state the clubbers got into last weekend.

*****

As someone who would make the perfect contestant on Can’t Cook Won’t Cook, I do tend to frequent fast food joints a little more regularly than I should. I don’t actually have Pizza Hut on speed dial but you get the idea.

The reason I mention this is because I was in McDonald’s on Monday and, before ordering, I went to use their toilets. I was confronted by a spotty teenager clearing up some sick by the urinal.

On the back of his T-shirt it said: I’m Lovin’ it.

Trust me, he wasn’t.

*****

Facebook Status Update Of The Week (1): “Im fukd of wi u fuckin wi ma head nd treatin me lyk a c*** well guess wha nt anymr Fuck You!!”

And the hand of friendship is extended…

*****

I got added on Facebook by someone last week who I didn’t know. Nothing desperately new in that but he was a 53-year-old married bloke from America and we had no mutual friends. By scanning his page, it seemed he was a Mafia Wars freak.

He was also very quickly deleted.

*****

I read that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle two kilos of cocaine into the USA. Then I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine OUT of the USA. I wish they’d make their minds up… do they want the stuff or not?

*****

More excellent television last week – Boy George was on with Jonathan Ross and was very candid about his recent ‘problems’. He’s one of those people – like John McEnroe, Ian Botham, George Michael etc – who I always listen to intently.

I’ve met him twice – once in Ibiza, where we hung out for quite a while, and once in London – and he was in extremely good form, probably because he was ‘clean’ at the time and had his mental faculties in correct working order.

Another person I always listen to, although I disagree with a number of his views, is Morrissey. I had the radio on in the car on Sunday morning when the news bulletin started: “The singer Morrissey has…” and my heart sank, fearing the worst as it was the first item on the news.

They went on to say he’d been rushed to hospital after collapsing on stage but fortunately he appears to be okay now. I love his music, especially the old stuff with The Smiths.

*****

Back to the telly and Katherine Jenkins was a surprisingly good guest with Piers Morgan. The bit where she talked about the death of her father was incredibly moving.

A good friend of mine lost his dad last week after a long battle with cancer. Losing a parent, a brother, a sister or child must be the worst thing in the world yet my mate dealt with it with incredible strength and dignity.

I can’t begin to think how I’ll cope when something as terrible as that happens to me but he showed a steely resolve which impressed me greatly and I hope I would display that kind of strength in similar circumstances.

*****

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I’ve got nothing to eat my dinner with.

*****

David Beckham is unquestionably a stylish man and a fashion icon. But that beard really has to go.

*****

I could write page after page after page about Nick Griffin and the British National Party but I’ll try and keep it relatively brief. Having been interested in politics since my teenage years, I know a thing or two on the subject yet it staggers me how naive some people are.

I can’t understand why anyone with a grain of intelligence would vote for them because they are, without a shadow of a doubt, a racist party. They play on the fears of the public about immigration and the main political parties must take some blame for a lack of control.

One person on Facebook described me as “another brainwashed student” when I put on my status how awful Griffin was on Question Time and that the BNP were utter scum. Now obviously I don’t expect a reasoned debate with a Telford teenager at the best of times but I thought this was a bit much.

Yes, we need to control immigration to a certain extent but I’ve grown up in a wonderfully multi-cultural society in Leicester and can see the benefits of allowing freedom of travel and work. If people want to come here and bring something to the table then we should welcome them.

It’s the scrounging minority from abroad who give the rest a bad name. There are plenty of lazy, shameful, white British people playing the system – why can’t we kick them out?

It’s not about the colour of someone’s face or their religion or where they were born – it should be about the quality of person because, underneath the skin, we’re all pretty much the same.

*****

A good friend of mine is Manish Bhasin who presents high-profile football programmes on the BBC. He’s from a hard-working Asian family who have been here for years and years. Manish, like me, was born and raised in Leicester.

If you ask him what he is, he’ll tell you he’s a proud Leicester boy – exactly the same as me.

*****

We’re also both big Leicester City fans and are enjoying our start to the season. After getting promoted from that horrible division below, we’re currently fifth in the Championship with 24 points from 14 games. No-one has lost fewer games – the top four, in fact, have all lost more.

However, having watched them play since 1981, I’m used to things going horribly wrong but, whisper it quietly, we’re doing okay.

*****

Men vs Women – Part 1 of 6

NICKNAMES

If Deborah, Katie and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Deborah, Katie and Sarah.

If Bob, Tony and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, the guys will each throw in £10, even though it’s only for £18. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Part 2 in this series next week.

*****

From the letters page at Viz magazine: “These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.”

*****

Now some of you know that I’m not just a potty-mouth, button-pushing DJ – my other work is as a football journalist. I was in London last week commentating on games in the Champions League and Europa League. These matches get broadcast on the internet as well as being streamed worldwide to TV stations who can use the feed live or part of delayed coverage.

I have subsequently discovered that my commentary of Real Madrid against AC Milan was a featured live game on the Al Jazeera sports channel in the Middle East – wow! Some other ones I’ve done have been on the Fox Sports Channel network in the USA and last year I did a game which was shown live on Indonesian television.

It’s all a bit bizarre, you know.

*****

Big Gay Tom at Pussycats (jovial barman, president of the Telford branch of the Barbara Streisand fan club and openly a ‘friend of Dorothy’) finally believes that I wrote and published a book (about football) in 1998. He found it on Amazon and exclaimed in his trademark high-pitched tone: “Oooh get you, Geoffrey.”

If ever Gok Wan needs a sidekick…

*****

For information, you can find my book (or even buy it) here… http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0953284905

*****

And finally… I wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I’m not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.

Cheers for now,

Geoff / DJ Wanker
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