Wednesday 8th February 2012

WEDNESDAY 8th February

I once applied for a job as a mustard cutter.

But unfortunately I wasn’t quite good enough.

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The only reason I still have a landline is so I can find my mobile phone in the house.

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News Just In (Sports Section)

Here are the results for the games played on Saturday in the Musketeers football league.

They were all 4-1 and one 4-all.

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Tattoo Of The Week

Cha’mone Motherfucker.

Michael Jackson did indeed touch so many.

Oops.

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You probably didn’t know this but…

Next Monday is National Libraries Day.

They kept that one quiet.

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I hope the driver was okay.

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You can tell a lot about a person by their car.

For example – if it’s in a ditch, it’s been driven by a woman.

#StereotypeHumour #OnlyJoking #WomenAreMuchBetterDrivers

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Random irritation:

People who can’t park properly.

What a twat.

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Reading the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle is a clear sign that you’re having a poo and forgot your magazine.

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Modern Life Is Rubbish

We never used to pose with invisible scissors in the old days.

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I bet the “YMCA” dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

In case you wondered, it’s this: 吾艾艾马西诶

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This will only work if you’re using a laptop.

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I’m all for vajazzling – but the name is horrible.

I think they should call it blinge.

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That Awkward Moment

…when a male newspaper sub editor gets distracted by some naughty thoughts.

What a tit.

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I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.

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A woman doesn’t always understand what a man says.

No love – not THAT one.

Yes, she’s shaving a beaver. Do I have to explain everything?

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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 10th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 11th Feb – Pussycats, Telford

Mario from The Only Way Is Essex should’ve been with us at Pussycats last Saturday but the poor weather meant he didn’t come. He is, however, joining us this weekend.

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Recreate your own version of TOWIE by painting some featureless pebbles orange and watch them do absolutely nothing of any significance for 45 minutes.

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Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

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David Beckham has signed a two-year Galaxy deal.

Coincidentally, this is the same amount of time it takes his wife to eat one.

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Headline in The Guardian newspaper:

Stephen Hawking claims he finds women ‘a complete mystery.’

Stick to trying to work out applied mathematics, cosmology and theoretical physics, Steve.

It’s far easier

Here’s the man himself on holiday.

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Breaking News

Rolf Harris has revealed he’s dyslexic.

Rofl.

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I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

Even if you’re single.

But surely the whole point of Valentine’s is… oh never mind.

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I made a bit of a mess of Valentine’s Day last year.

I booked a table for me and my then girlfriend.

But I had no idea she was rubbish at playing snooker.

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Tip For Men.

Make it a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember.

By simply forgetting it.

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I’m going to get a Valentine’s Day card from Moonpig.

She hates it when I call her that.

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Hello, you are through to PC World technical support how may I help you?

I’m having trouble finding the net.

No problem sir, can I take your name please?

Yeah its Andy Carroll / Fernando Torres / Steve Howard (*)

(*) delete as applicable.

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You have to be careful what you say in PC World these days.

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I found this funny.

And quite silly.

You might need to click on the photo to enlarge it to see it properly.

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I’m sorry Lenny Henry – but you’re wrong.

Premier Inn.

Everything is premier.

Except the Inn.

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Taking photos of your baby.

Now this is how to do it.

Sweet.

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This is how you take photos of the back of your phone.

Where would we be without a mirror?

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Taking photos in the mirror is indeed a modern phenomenon.

It’s rarely classy.

Sometimes it can be as bleak as this.

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I hope Mick Jagger opens a new nightclub.

The male toilets will probably look like this.

Genius.

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From the best ever toilets to the worst ever.

Not got the hang of it, have they?

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On a similar theme – this is for people over 35 who grew up in England.

Recreate your school days by trying to wipe up a spillage of chocolate spread with a piece of grease proof paper.

#WorstBogRollEver
#Izal
#CanWeSueThemForMentalDistress

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Parent Of The Week

And the award goes to…

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Top Tip for babysitters.

Get kids to go to sleep early by telling them it’s Christmas tomorrow.

Then leave the parents to deal with the fallout.

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Here’s a lovely photo.

A smartly-dressed couple looking happy on a night out.

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Sadly, this wasn’t the full picture.

I doubt they’ll be having this framed on the mantelpiece.

Coo-eee!

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According to a recent study, during sex you burn as many calories as running for five miles.

Who the hell runs five miles in 30 seconds?

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Cheating is never a good thing.

You are, of course, only cheating yourself.

Unless you’re cheating on someone else. But you get the idea.

This lad, however, gets 10 out of 10 for ingenuity.

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A female came into my house uninvited the other night and she left a note saying she’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I still haven’t orked out ho the omen as or hich key isn’t orking.

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Please be careful on a night out.

When wearing lipstick.

And drinking.

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FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

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#crapjokecorner

My former wife was found hacked to death.

At the funeral we arranged to have two coffins.

The moral of the story?

Never put all of your ex in one casket.

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Text Message Of The Week

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – all contributions are greatly received.

You can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 6,000 views again – 6,336 to be precise – the second highest ever.

If you missed it, it’s here.

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What the absolute fook is this all about?

??????????????

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Breaking news.

Jordan is to swim The Thames for charity.

She announced this at a press conference.

Reporter: “But what about all the diseases?”.

“Yeah, but it’s for charity innit?” said The Thames.

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You can now buy Jordan-themed “wigs” for babies.

They cost £4.99.

I suppose it’s a small Price toupée.

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That Awkward Moment

…when you go on a rollercoaster while feeling unwell.

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Perhaps he’d eaten too much of this.

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Guys – you can have this for free.

Do NOT keep sticking a key in your wife’s back.

It really winds them up.

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I love Morgan Freeman.

One of the best actors ever in my humble opinion.

This amused me.

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I once met a girl at a fancy dress party where we’d both gone dressed as dolphins.

We just clicked.

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And finally… #VeryOldJokesHome

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “Hello, could you give me condom. I’m going to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out he returns and says, “Give me another condom because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too.”

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, “Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!”

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us.”

A minute later the boy is still praying: “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear: “I didn’t know you were so religious.”

The boy replies: “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!” 

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See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

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I appreciate your feedback.

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Magician for hire – he’s great!
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Call: 01455 556155

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Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
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