Wednesday 25th January 2012

WEDNESDAY 25th January

I recently bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav.

It’s not great though.

It keeps telling me to turn around.

And every now and then it falls apart.

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My ex girlfriend once caught me blow drying my penis.

She asked what I was doing.

Apparently “heating your dinner” was not the right answer.

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In The News

There’s been uproar in the papers as British TV may soon show adverts for abortion.

I thought it already did.

“The Jeremy Kyle Show.”

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That Awkward Moment

…when posing for the camera in dramatic fashion is not always the best idea.

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My mate’s wife is desperate to lose weight.

She’s on three different diets.

Because she doesn’t get enough food on one.

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Parenting Skills (1)

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Parenting Skills (2)

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#crapjokecorner

Never do drugs with your shoelaces undone.

You’ll be tripping all night.

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In The News

Much furore on t’internet last week as Gary Glitter joined Twitter.

Rumour has it that it was just a social media experiment and not actually the vile, scumbag wanker himself.

My favourite Tweet on the subject was from a comedian called Peter Serafinowicz.

Loved the fact that whoever was behind the ‘OfficialGlitter’ account either didn’t get the joke or just played along here.

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And, on a similar theme, here’s an update from Adobe.

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Quite staggering that I’ve reached 2,500+ followers on Twitter.

Not bad, I suppose, for a nobody.

You can follow me here.

It helps when a tweet gets retweeted by a lot of people (100+) as this one from me did last week.

Yes – a pointless tweet as you can see.

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I hope they make “Twitter: The Movie”.

It would be like Facebook film ”The Social Network.”

But with fewer characters.

BOOM!

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This is brilliant.

Wow. Absolute wow.

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Avalanche.

It’s what Italian people do at mid day.

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In The News

A 28-year-old mum of four has been banned from every nightclub in her home town – after being told she is TOO OLD to wear skimpy outfits.

Furious Lisa Woodman was barred from three venues, including Tramps, because of her low-cut tops, short skirts and knee-length boots.

The 5ft 3in blonde admits she likes to flaunt her size 6 figure and 36DD boobs. She was left in tears on New Year’s Eve when doormen turned her away and told her: “You’re too old to wear that get-up.”

Lisa has also been banned from two other Worcester nightclubs which are owned by the same company until she tones down her appearance.

Full story here.

A trampy woman banned from Tramps – oh the irony!

She has a face only a mum could love – and even that’s debatable.

Yes she is rough as arseholes but, let’s face it chaps, we’ve all probably done worse.

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In The News

Meanwhile, on advertising boards in Australia…

Oops.

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Top Tips For Women

Make light of your PMS by simply adding an ‘L’ at the end.

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That Awkward Moment

…when your thumb makes a female friend look like a transvestite.

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Type ‘define an English person’ into Google and see what the top search result is.

How dare they ?!

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Posing for the camera.

With invisible scissors.

And so it continues.

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A stunning waste of time but deserves sharing.

Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

I hope Lionel Richie appreciates this.

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Happy (belated) Birthday to lovely Kel.

And why not celebrate with a beautiful cake?

We’ll file this one under: Only In Telford.

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“Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool.

I lost my cool once – and it killed my career.”

They were the words of:

LL J

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Tattoo Of The Week

At least wipe first!

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When people question me as to why I don’t have Tattoos, I ask them:

“Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”

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BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

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FML / Fuck My Life.

A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.

Get a grip, people!

Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

The electrician is stomping around the house swearing.

I think he’s blown a fuse.

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I was nervous about stealing from the plumber.

But I finally took the plunge.

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They employ some really ugly people in the BBC.

What’s the old saying?

Oh yes.

A Great Face For Radio.

Yes, that really is DJ Wanker, aged 22.

And for those who actually know me………

Stop. Fucking. Laughing.

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I’ve got a great joke about shoehorns.

I just wish I knew how to get it into conversations.

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That Awkward Moment

…when you overdo the fake tan.

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Want to see some utterly shite rapping, gangsta-styleeeeeeee?

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FACT: Rap is 75% Crap

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Silly Photo Of The Week

Here you go.

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I’ve recently been on a first aid course.

The instructor asked me: “What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?”

“I’ll climb in through the window” was not the right answer.

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Text Message Of The Week

If you’re going to take the piss, be prepared for a sharp comeback.

Brilliant.

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In The News

The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy.

More details to come as the story develops.

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Silly Kodak.

They should have invented a camera with a phone on it.

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I’m glad Kodak has gone bankrupt.

I always thought he was a rubbish, lollipop-sucking detective.

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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 27th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 28th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

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This is how busy we were on Saturday at Pussycats.

Chock-a-block in the main room!

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Don’t get me started on what some of the clubbers look like.

Times change, fashions change.

Here’s a question though…

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A new nightclub has opened in Telford. (*)

I think it has cornered the market.

Giving the locals what they want.

(*) It hasn’t really.

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I tried to change my password to ‘TheOnlyWayIsEssex’ recently.

But, apparently, it contains too many useless characters.

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There is nothing better than a perfectly timed photo.

Here’s a tourist posing on holiday.

Fuck knows what the cyclist was doing.

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In The News

An 84-year-old great-grandmother has been arrested for streaking at The Chelsea Flower Show.

On the bright side, however, she won first prize for her dried arrangement.

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Dad?

Yes?

Can we go to the park please?

No, you’ve been a very naughty boy.

Oh please dad.

Okay then. I know just the place…

I bet he didn’t have a GRATE time there.

(It’s okay, I can hear you groaning. In fact, you sound properly CHEESED off.)

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In The News

A damaged 18th century vase has sold for £80,000.

Blimey, if that’s second hand imagine what a new one would cost.

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What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

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What is it with people taking photos in the mirror?

They often do it in the bathroom, showing off their phone.

Meanwhile, back in the olden days…

Yes kids – phones used to look like that!

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,500 views – if you missed it, it’s here. http://wp.me/plv9K-14B

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I think we’re just going to have to accept that the Vengabus is not coming.

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Did you realise that a woman saying: “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man saying: “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?

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That Awkward Moment

…when Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard slips one up the backdoor of team mate Wayne Rooney while the granny-shagger noshes off Aaron Ramsey with trouble-making rabble-rouser Patrice Evra having a good perv.

As you do.

On the pitch.

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Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?

I’ve made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and I’m worried I’ll end up owning Nottingham Forest.

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My ex once said she wanted a Brazilian downstairs.

We ended up with Pele as a lodger.

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In The News

Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.

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I’ve skilfully and deliberately missed EastEnders for about 20 years.

I wonder what happened last week?

A quick catch up courtesy of Super Massive Raver

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Nothing wrong with this next photo.

Just good people on a night out.

It’s not the full photo though.

I cropped it.

Want to see the rest?

AWKWARD!!

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I went for a routine check up last week and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum.

Ouch!

Do you think I should change dentists?

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It’s about time I took a visit to the opticians.

Been a while for sure.

When you get to my age it’s worth keeping tabs on your eyesight.

My mate lives near Newcastle and he’s suggested visiting his bloke.

They do it slightly differently up there.

Have you ever wondered what a Geordie opticians is like?

Well you can wonder no more.

“Ho’waay son, just read this reet little chart…”

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Sean Connery certainly has found his niche.

She was in the back garden, chatting with his nephew.

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And finally… I bumped into Heather Mills McCartney the other day.

Well I didn’t meet her.

I just saw her car.

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Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

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See you next time.

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

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