Wednesday 18th January 2012

WEDNESDAY 18th January

I’m sorry to start with some very sad news.

The man who created the chain of Odeon cinemas has died.

He was 91.

His funeral is next Thursday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

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The word of the day is:

Scapabobididdywiddilydoobapbapaphobia

It means:

The fear of freestyle jazz.

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I was going to buy a book on phobias.

But I was afraid it wouldn’t help.

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“Hello, is that Social Services?”

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A girlfriend once said to me: “I bet you can’t go a day without making a joke about my period.”

“You’re on,” I said.

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That Awkward Moment

…when you put blusher on without using a mirror.

Or in the dark.

And your mate doesn’t point it out.

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I’ve bought a friend of mine a new fridge.

You should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

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A belated Christmas moment.

What the absolute fook?

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My mate bet me £100 I wouldn’t take five Viagra tablets at once.

I thought: ”How hard can it be?”

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Angela Merkel is the Chancellor of Germany.

She hates practical jokes.

Let’s face it, not too many Germans are well known for their sense of humour.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy has played a trick on her.

He bought her a present – some hand cream.

It was actually Super Glue.

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Due to a water shortage in Shropshire, Telford swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

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What does the back of a phone look like?

You must know, surely.

These kind people have shown us theirs.

 

***

How to pose properly.

Or badly.

This chap is helping you ladies.

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That Awkward Moment

…when an animal tries to take a photo of itself.

Use a mirror!

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I went to the allotment last week and found someone had covered it with two inches of soil.

I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another two inches of soil.

Hmmmm.

The plot thickens.

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My best mate is Phil.

He’s a cheeky sod sometimes.

When he crashed at mine for a couple of years weeks, he burst in on me while I had company.

He couldn’t resist taking a photo of me on the job.

Awkward indeed.

***

She’s a big lass.

A bit of a porker.

You should’ve seen the porker’s face.

(Lost in translation, obviously.)

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Ann Summers are now selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their bits.

Campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.

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Looking for a present for the chav slut in your life?

Well look no more.

Thank you, Nike.

What the absolute fook?

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Random thought

Why do blind people wear sunglasses?

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Back to photo posing.

People and their invisible scissors.

Why, why, why?

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”And the Anti-OCD finalists 2012 in no particular order are…”

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Listen love.

This isn’t a paperweight.

Your son is gay.

He just hasn’t told you.

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In The News 1

They have now discovered a cure for a headache and earache.

Stay single.

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In The News 2

All the big stories from the Eastern Daily Press.

I’m guessing it was a slow news day.

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In The News 3

A sub editor at the Belfast Telegraph has dropped a bollock here.

You don’t put adverts like that next to stories like that.

Dream Holiday – oops.

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And it’s not much better at The Guardian.

One of their sub editors must hate The Queen.

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I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the TV presenter said:

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now it’s all kicked off.

* OR *

“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”

Said Mr Andre about his former wife.

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Thank goodness for webuyanyship.com

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Silly Photo Of The Week

Singer Cee-Lo Green has a great voice.

His album is superb.

This is pointless but made me smile.

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Random Thought

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

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Rest.

In.

Peace.

Let this be a lesson to you disbelievers!

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:

Fri 20th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 21st – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

***

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I hope Lisa Stansfield claimed all of her air miles.

And has she found her baby yet?

(A gag purely for those who can remember chart-topping hits from 1989. I didn’t say it was funny.)

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Deal Of The Week

For stupid people, obviously.

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The Football Association have issued a new directive.

Any Leicester City Liverpool player passing the ball to Jermaine Beckford Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.

PS. This joke has been edited after Leicester City thrashed Notts Forest 4-0 on Tuesday night thanks to Jermaine Beckford’s hat-trick and, of course, the sublime, silky skills of Bentley’s Roof favourite Richie Wellens.

PPS. Guess which team I support?

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Regular readers will be aware of my opinions on tattoos.

I can’t stand them.

This one is beyond belief.

I bet this woman is a total c**t.

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It’s a relatively modern fashion to have tattoos in a different language.

You have to be careful.

It can all go horribly wrong.

Thanks to the person who commented on this photo.

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Let’s have some social media satire.

Brilliant.

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I was never bored as a kid.

I never get bored now.

To be honest, I can’t understand how anyone gets bored.

But, hey, people do.

And they post stuff like this on Facebook.

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

If you were to ask me if I could do a decent giraffe impression, I’d probably stick my neck out and say yes.

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Text Message Of The Week

Hi Sarah my love.

Enjoy your night at yoga and Weight Watchers.

Our little soldier Ryan is behaving himself.

Had to change his nappy though.

Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner.

It’ll be ready for when you’re home.

See you later.

Love from your darling husband x

PS. Here’s what’s on the menu.

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I think you need a babysitter.

But probably not this one.

I suspect that’s fake but, if not, simply brilliant.

In a bad way.

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,800 views – if you missed it, it’s here http://wp.me/plv9K-13V

OVER FOUR THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED – THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS !!

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Peaches Geldof has over 125,000 people following her on Twitter.

She’s a bit like Jesus.

Relying on her Dad’s fame to get more followers.

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Having debates with religious people about, erm, religion can be a challenging exercise.

Scientific proof is often disregarded.

It’s their view – they say – which is fact.

Here’s an example of how they explain things.

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Breaking News

Outdoor retailer Millets has gone into administration.

Now is the winter of our discount tent.

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I met a 94-year-old guy last week who was one of the first British soldiers on the beach at Dunkirk in World War 2. He was a real inspiration and no-one should ever take the piss out of people like that because they’re what make this country great.

Respect for older people is lacking.

And because of that, I make no comment on this next picture.

Apart from… what the bloody hell is going on here?

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Men vs Women

Hi. I am a Woman. I will say one thing but then want something totally different.

For example, I’ll ask for cheese on toast but really I want fish and chips. And when I don’t get what I want, even though I never asked for it, I’ll go on Facebook to cry, bitch and moan that no one understands me. I will then claim that all men are wankers.

Hi. I am a Man. I will say I want cheese on toast because that’s what I want.

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What she says:

“I don’t want to talk about it”

What she means:

“I’d like to argue about this for a week.”

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I’m having some of these serviettes printed.

I can see it being a winner.

Especially for the alcoholics.

(That’s for you, Frank the Tank.)

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I went in a sex shop and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost.

She’s sitting on a small fortune.

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That Awkward Moment

…when a chav family take the kids to Disney.

Ah bless you little princess.

Now get back to your rat-infested council estate.

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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand

I don’t care what he’s done, I’m still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender.

Better the Breville you know.

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There’s nothing wrong with taking photos on holiday.

Here are some friends on the beach.

There is nothing remotely funny about that picture.

Just a few mates enjoying themselves.

Have to be honest – I did crop the photo.

There’s more to it.

Brace yourselves.

EEK!

PUT IT AWAY, SIR !!

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A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.

Just a little house warming present.

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Don’t type the word “increased” into Google.

The top suggestion might make you wretch.

Oh go on then.

I know you want to see…

GOOGLE

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And finally… I bet you can’t say “Irish Wristwatch” without messing it up the first time.

There you go – you messed it up, right?

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Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

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See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

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