Wednesday 11th January 2012

 

WEDNESDAY 11th January

My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off…

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People who think it’s okay to let their animals smoke cannabis really need to get down off their high horse.

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That Awkward Moment

…when you get seated next to Andy from Little Britain on a very long coach journey.

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A new study has revealed that Nottingham is the ‘gun crime’ capital of England.

I’ll tell you what that place needs…

A sheriff.

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Crowd surfing can be dangerous.

You often see it at rock gigs.

Anyone can do it.

Although some have to be more careful than others.

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A top tip for those trying to lose weight.

Avoid that temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

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Pointless Photos Posted On Facebook

It’s Christmas.

You’re surrounded by family and friends.

What could be better than a picture of you all?

Hang on.

Was this one really worth putting on Facebook?

I imagine all are big fans of Blur.

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Whenever I listen to Dizzee Rascal, I put a nappy on, climb into a pram and shit myself.

Some people think I’m bonkers.

But I just think I’m three.

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Things Not To Say To A DJ

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In The News 1

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting five times.

He was cautioned for pinching cheese and wine from Tesco.

A Tesco spokesman (didn’t) say: “If Antony Worrall Thompson had put the cheese in his pocket more Caerphilly then he might have got away with it.”

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That ironic moment when AWT is asked to tip the contents of his bag onto the table.

I’m loving the sub editor at The Sun who put the AWT story above an advert which said: “£5 off Tesco shopping. Including legally obtained cheese.” Brilliant.

***

I once had a great fruit cake at Antony Worrall Thompson’s restaurant.

It was Stollen.

#toocleverformostofyou

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Best headline: Ready, Steady, Crook.

Hang on.

The jury for AWT are back.

***

Apparently Jonathan Ross also has an addiction to shoplifting.

But he preferred to steal kitchen implements.

It was a whisk he could not resist.

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In The News 2

Fashion label La Redoute has faced embarrassment after a picture of a naked man walking into shot behind four children was published on its website.

Oops.

Bit of a cock-up.

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In The News 3

Bob Holness, former host of daytime quiz show Blockbusters, died last week.

He was 83.

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Amy Winehouse was the first person to meet Bob at the pearly gates.

“Can I have an E please, Bob?”

***

I broke the sad news to a mate about Bob Holness.

“Who is Bob Holness?” he said.

“He was in Blockbusters,” I replied.

“Fucking hell,” said my mate. “Was he taking a video back?”.

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In The News 4

The body of a young woman has been found at Sandringham – the estate where the Queen and the Royal Family spend every Christmas.

I see that Prince Philip didn’t fuck about with a car chase this time.

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In The News 5 (sport section)

Paul Scholes came out of retirement to play for Manchester United as Thierry Henry made a sensational return to Arsenal, scoring the winner against Leeds in the FA Cup.

As he walked into the Emirates Stadium, four and a half years after leaving for Barcelona, Henry checked out the Arsenal trophy cabinet.

“Ahhh,” he said. “Exactly as I left it.”

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In The News 6

Beyonce and Jay-Z revealed that the singer had given birth to a daughter last week.

They named the girl Blue Ivy. (Which sounds like a 1980s-style aftershave to me.)

They have yet to give the waiting world a photo.

But I can exclusively reveal what the kid looks like.

A spitting image of mum and dad.

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In The News 7

The Only Way Is Essex stars Maria Fowler and Harry Derbridge have confirmed they’ve left the show.

The pair revealed their exits on Twitter, with both of them hinting that they have different projects lined up for the future.

I look forward to seeing both at work in the future.

I hope they get my order right #happymealwithaMcFlurryplease

Some bloke called Mario from TOWIE is coming to Pussycats in Telford on Saturday 4th February and, as the main room DJ there, it’s quite possible I will get to meet him.

I. AM. SO. VERY. EXCITED.

I. CANNOT. CONTAIN. MY. ENTHUSIASM.

No – I’ve never heard of him either.

***

Recreate the magic of Super Mario in your own home by calling out a plumber and leaving a trail of £1 coins to the sink.

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Where you can find DJ Wanker this weekend:

Fri 13th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 14th – Pussycats, Telford

Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery

Here’s a sample from last weekend.

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Im getnig relaly fsat at trypnig no;w

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I haev craeted thsi speical wya of tpyign that onyl stipud poelpe cna raed

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Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammer?

(Yes, yes, yes – I do know. That’s the whole point of it!)

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As the old saying goes…

‘I’ before ‘E’ except after “Old MacDonald Had A Farm.”

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I would rather cuddle then have sex.

If you’re good with grammar, you’ll understand it.

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And the award for ‘Silly Photo Of The Week’ goes to…

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Never take the P out of a pirate.

Because it will make him angry.

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That Awkward Moment

…when your dog looks like Chewbacca.

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A little break from the random silly nonsense for a moment if you please. Just because I’m nice I shall share this with you:

“Hi Geoff, I am after a favour and some support really. I took inspiration from your tragic loss of your father last year and it touched me quite a lot. My father has been unwell for a number of years and I am this year running the London marathon for ‘Kidney Research UK’ (my dad has kidney failure).

“I wonder if you could dedicate a little piece in your blog (I’m a massive fan) or on your page to promote my sponsorship (I need to raise £1800) and every £ counts! You can read my story of why I am doing it on my sponsorship page. Thanks, Matt.”

I’ve stuck a tenner in the pot – I shall leave it up to you if you wish to do the same:

http://www.kidneyresearchukevents.org/mattdickenson

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Breaking News

A violent criminal broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house this week and attacked all the contestants.

Police say they’re struggling to identify the victims.

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Natasha Giggs is one of the contestants this year.

She’s the lass who slept with her brother-in-law Ryan, the Manchester United winger, for eight years.

It’s funny seeing her on Channel 5. Just like Ryan will be in a few weeks.

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I thought the Manchester derby in the FA Cup on Sunday was a fabulous advertisement for the Europa League.

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My thanks to former Big Brother winner Brian Belo – a lovely, sweet bloke who came to Pussycats a few years ago – for helping this tweet (a rehash of an old joke) get over 100 retweets at the weekend.

***

If you wonder what Brian is like, here he is on The Weakest Link.

Anne: “Are you sure World War 2 was after World War 1?” Brian: “Is that a trick question?”

Brian: “I don’t want to make myself look stupid.”

Brian: “I don’t know about wars and stuff because when I was at school I didn’t really study geography.”

Comedy gold.

***

I’ve also taken a screenshot of Brian’s computer.

I hope he doesn’t mind.

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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to admin1@djwanker.com - and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page for this page

Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,250 views – if you missed it, it’s here

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I went out with a girl once and asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

She said something with diamonds would be nice.

Her face was priceless when she ripped off the wrapping paper and saw I’d bought…

A packet of playing cards.

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Bargain Of The Week

Get yourself down to Gamestation.

They’re really pushing the boat out with the big offers.

Cheers for that, guys.

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Hello mirror, it’s me.

Well it isn’t me, it’s them.

It’s always good to see what the back of a phone looks like.

Or it isn’t.

With my apologies to Meg, Dan, Batch, Georgie, Frankie, Sinead and others.

That’s Sinead on the bottom right.

Just in case you wondered.

#greatpuppies

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You this read wrong.

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West Brom fan?

Thinking of getting a tattoo?

Want it to look like a Baggies shirt?

Awful, I know.

Still, it could’ve been worse.

Coventry, Derby, Notts Forest, Man Utd etc [delete as applicable]

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Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got an abnormal curvature of the upper spine.

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Memo to council planning departments:

If you’re thinking of building a car park, give it plenty of thought.

You might want to avoid a cock up.

Like this.

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My ex used to moan at me to say ‘I did’ instead of ‘I done’ because it’s not proper grammar.

And that was easier said than did.

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Buying the right Christmas present is never easy.

I know what this next bloke is thinking.

“Shit, I’ve already got one. I hope they kept the receipt.”

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A secret is something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

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A job interview can be a scary experience.

You want to appear keen but not desperate.

You want to appear fun but not mental.

Let me present to you…

…the World’s Fastest Job Interview.

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#reallycrapjokecorner

I met the man who invented window sills this week.

He’s such a ledge!

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Be careful, kids.

We don’t want you getting arthritis.

Here are some human beings with their invisible scissors.

***

Even celebrities get in the act, too.

Here are actors Adam Thomas (Waterloo Road and Emmerdale), his brother Ryan (Coronation Street) and Dean Gaffney (EastEnders) along with their Blazin Squad pal, Kenzie.

Gaffney’s pouting and Kenzie’s got the scissors thing going on.

***

Oh hello Twitter.

Who’s following me?

Good old Gaffney.

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A top tip for men.

Treat women with dignity and respect.

Bitches love that shit

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Feeling hungry?

Get chomping on these bad boys.

Fish flavour also available.

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This next woman has eaten too many of them.

In fact she’s probably eaten too much of everything.

And she’s shamelessly posing in the bathroom.

With a photo in the mirror.

Which she posted on Facebook.

Shawn’s comment at the bottom had me roaring!

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True story – when I was 16, I was the DJ at Enderby Social Club and I also called the bingo on a Saturday night.

The best thing about calling bingo?

When I turned the microphone on, a room full of women instantly shut the fuck up.

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There is nothing finer than a perfectly timed photo.

But not if you’re the one caught in the act.

Too much to drink?

Boozing on an empty stomach?

Never mind, just smile for the camera with your mates.

Oh shit.

Too late.

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We’re so skint at the moment that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

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That Awkward Moment

…when your baby bump looks like your mirror.

* Much love to the wonderful Sam Bullock here – may your pregnancy be smooth and successful. So glad you posted that photo on Facebook though x

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I once met a girl with a plasticine fanny.

I didn’t sleep with her.

But I think I made an impression.

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And finally… my daughter asked me where’s the most dangerous place on earth?

I’m stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

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Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?

I appreciate your feedback.

Tell me what you think on Facebook

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See you next time.

RANDOMSILLYNONSENSE

Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

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