WEDNESDAY 11th NOVEMBER
What an exciting week!
Queued for hours outside Asda for the midnight release on Monday of the new ‘Call of Duty’ computer game just so I could be one of the first to play it.
Oh hang on – no I didn’t. I’m a sensible grown up. I’ll leave that geeky bollocks for the utter sad twats. Get a life.
FAIL.
*****
Things I would like to see…
People talking about X Factor on their Facebook status updates on a Sunday evening. Why do people not mention it?
That is obviously another piece of sarcasm. X Factor has the Facebook world in a vice-like grip.
* “Fukin Simon Cowell wadda prik.”
* “I h8 dem twinz.”
* “Not watchin dat shit agen til da twins r out.”
* “Dat show makes me fukin angry.”
* “Twins shud get a lyf and Cowel to.”
Yawn. It’s karaoke for a thick generation. Get over it.
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Do not disturb me this Sunday night between 7 and 8. My phone will be switched off. Got to give Dr Who my full attention.
I, of course, reserve the right to update my Facebook status with my views on that particular programme. And I imagine I’ll write about it here next week.
Yes, yes, yes – I am a Dr Who geek… but I wouldn’t queue outside a shop for the midnight release of a Dr Who DVD/Dalek helmet/computer game etc.
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Facebook status update of the week (1):
“Guna stick d fire on, b4 goin bk t work at 3! Early nyt tnyt me finks!”
Yeh me finks dats da best fing 4 u 2 do innit.
Facebook status update of the week (2):
Kayleigh wrote: “Had A Gud Nyt Last Nyt Talken Bwt Shit Lyk Ghosts Scaren Da Crap Owt Ov Ourselves Ha! Shud B A Nuva Gd Nyt Cumen On”
I replied: “I’m sending a ghost to your house tonight, Kayleigh. You’ll recognise which ghost I’m sending… it’ll be the one with a dictionary.”
Kayleigh subsequently pointed out that she’s “shit at spelling” as if there’s nothing she can do about it. I imagine it must be hard for some people to spell such difficult words as…
* Good
* Night
* Talking
* About
* Like
* Scaring
* The
* Out
* Should
* Another
* Coming
Well it must be hard to spell those words… if you’re SEVEN YEARS OLD !
I don’t mind a bit of ‘text talk’ to save some time but when you spell ‘out’ as ‘owt’ it’s the same bloody length!
Facebook status update of the week (3):
Katie Jarvis wrote: “What goes around comes around Sooo u need to watch out u Fat fuckin bitch u Think its fuckin funny lieing about somethink that was never true ur just sick and twisted and ur defo no fuckin mother of mine as far as im concerened u can go rot in fuckin hell!!”
Ooooh, get you!
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Here is a ‘conversation’ I had with some dork called Ryan Campbell: (who I have subsequently deleted as a friend) on my Facebook wall last week…
RC: Saf
Me: What ??
RC: Saf m8
Me: Apologies for my ignorance… I only speak English
RC: Yes saf m8
Me: What does ’saf’ mean though?
RC: Muf w fu M8. Saf m8
Me: Give me a minute while I consult the ‘chav dictionary’
RC: Ha ha saf
Me: The ‘chav dictionary’ doesn’t recognise the word ’saf’ or ‘muf’ or ‘w fu’
RC: No at u r saf m8
Me: Ah right – I should’ve looked in the ‘Telford Dictionary’
RC: Saf gud ida m8 saf
Me: The ‘Telford Dictionary’ suggests ’saf’ might mean ’safe’ – am I right ?
RC: On u mud. Dot oud saf m8
* DELETE *
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The big story of the week was this belter from the News of the World…
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/586565/The-Sperminator-Facebook-cheater-Dominic-Baronet-gets-12-girls-pregnant.html
“Love rat Dominic Baronet from Telford has been branded The Sperminator for getting TWELVE girls pregnant after wooing them on the social networking site – two of them on the SAME DAY. Five women are now raising his KIDS, five were talked into ABORTIONS and two are EXPECTING. For years the laptop lust hunter has secretly preyed on women with his smooth internet patter.”
I think my favourite tabloid phrase in that is: laptop lust hunter.
Having been in the Sunday papers myself – I was ‘romantically linked’ with the girlfriend of a football manager back in 2001, it made the front page of the Sunday People and was in the NOTW and others, I may tell you the full story one day if the lawyers allow – I never believe every cough and splutter of these stories.
I bet he hasn’t really impregnated twelve women but clearly he is a bit of a lad. As someone who doesn’t like hypocrites, I must be honest that there have been occasions when I was much younger where I may have spun a line to impress a woman. Now I just say what I think and people have to like it or lump it.
There’s part of me who salutes the cheek of this bloke (what they saw in him, I don’t know) although cheating in relationships is reprehensible.
However, these gullible women have to take some responsibility. If they’d shown a bit more respect for themselves – keeping their legs shut or insisting he wore a condom etc – then they would have less to complain about.
One of the girls who went to the newspaper with the story is a Facebook friend of mine. I know her because she comes into Pussycats. I doubt she’ll be in for a while in her state – although there are plenty of women around Telford who look like they might be pregnant.
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Here were some of the comments posted about the story on the NOTW website:
* “If ugly girls weren’t allowed to use Facebook, they couldn’t be seduced by desperate losers.”
* “Looking at those photos, I think the ’slappernator’ would be more appropriate.”
* “What a pair of trollops, no wonder he didn’t hang around!!”
* “If I was him I’d be well embarrassed … these two are ugly!!”
* “I admire the guy for getting 12 girls pregnant, and he isn’t even good-looking. Wish I had his charm.”
* “CHAV-TASTIC!”
I think we need to get Jeremy Kyle involved.
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The final word on the subject goes to Dee Austin who sarcastically suggested: “At least the kids will have a big family network.”
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We had another wonderfully busy weekend at Pussycats. Yet again the honeys with the big bazookas happily posed for some photos and you can see them for yourself in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – I’m always quite happy to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society if it means extra hits on my website!
I was thrilled that Phil, my best mate (in the world… ever!), popped into Cats after work on Saturday. He’s never been to Telford to see me DJ (it’ll be seven years next April since I started) because he’s also a DJ and, being very good at his job, is always in demand.
He was spinning the tunes in Vox Bar in the town centre last Saturday and absolutely loved it. You really should go and check him out – before heading to Cats afterwards, obviously! Welcome to the team, Phil. I hope the customers and management appreciate him as much as I do.
But TMDAIKY… <private joke>
PS. Add him on Facebook – Phil Mansfield – he’s on my friends list.
*****
Notice of an event at Pussycats – on Friday 20th November we’ll be raising money for Children In Need with a themed night called: “Sexy Pajama Party.”
That is not a spelling mistake from me. Obviously it should be ‘pyjama’ as we’re English and not American but the man at the helm of our slick PR machine (who I mustn’t name because I’ll get untold grief) says it was a deliberate cock-up “to attract attention.”
I did point out to him that, judging by Facebook, most people in Telford can’t spell anyway.
*****
Men vs Women – Part 3 of 6
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Part four in this series next week.
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From the Daily Telegraph: “The number of jobless university leavers is predicted to have reached the 100,000 mark, up from 70,000 last year, when the latest unemployment figures are released.”
I can think of one who can’t be arsed to get a job after university because they’re a complete and utter… [edited]
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Telly news.
Benidorm has completed its run and every single hour-long episode was sheer brilliance. Whether they can manufacture another series looks unlikely but you never know.
I loved it last weekend when Madge was being ferried about in the back of the vehicle, just as the Pope would, with Gregorian chanting on the show’s soundtrack, and the local Catholics started waving and worshipping… Madge, smoking a fag, flicked them the V-sign.
Much funnier to see than for me to try and explain. Yes, you had to be there. Sort of.
The best visual gag of the whole series for me was in the first episode where Mel was promoting a mobility scooter for people with, erm, a tendency to poo at the wrong time. The advert on the back was this:
“COMING SOON
Mel’s New Commode Mobility Chair
Don’t get caught between two stools !”
Blink and you miss it. Genius.
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Have I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to Dr Who this Sunday?
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From the letters page at Viz magazine: “My granddad keeps forgetting where his allotment is. I think he’s lost the plot.”
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I’m probably the last person to stick up for Gordon Brown but he’s had a lot of unfair criticism this week about an error he made in a letter to the mother of a soldier killed in action. Yes, it’s extremely sad when anyone dies in the line of armed duty and we all have great sympathy for parents who lose their children but if I’d lost someone, I’d have bigger things to worry about than a slight grammatical error.
Let’s retain a sense of perspective.
He took the time to send a handwritten letter to a bereaved mother. She went to the papers to complain and he apologised. He might be an utter useless gimp for everything else but to clout him with a big stick over this is just unnecessary.
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Don’t worry – the usual Brown-bashing will return again soon.
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And finally… a very, very, very bad taste joke.
The Queen Mother bumps into Princess Diana up in Heaven and says: “Hello dear, I see you’ve been rewarded for all the important charity work you did while you were on Earth. Would it be possible for me to get a Halo just like yours?”
Diana replies: “Fuck off nan, it’s a steering wheel!”
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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