Wednesday 25th January 2012
WEDNESDAY 25th January
I recently bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav.
It’s not great though.
It keeps telling me to turn around.
And every now and then it falls apart.
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My ex girlfriend once caught me blow drying my penis.
She asked what I was doing.
Apparently “heating your dinner” was not the right answer.
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In The News
There’s been uproar in the papers as British TV may soon show adverts for abortion.
I thought it already did.
“The Jeremy Kyle Show.”
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That Awkward Moment
…when posing for the camera in dramatic fashion is not always the best idea.
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My mate’s wife is desperate to lose weight.
She’s on three different diets.
Because she doesn’t get enough food on one.
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Parenting Skills (1)
***
Parenting Skills (2)
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#crapjokecorner
Never do drugs with your shoelaces undone.
You’ll be tripping all night.
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In The News
Much furore on t’internet last week as Gary Glitter joined Twitter.
Rumour has it that it was just a social media experiment and not actually the vile, scumbag wanker himself.
My favourite Tweet on the subject was from a comedian called Peter Serafinowicz.
Loved the fact that whoever was behind the ‘OfficialGlitter’ account either didn’t get the joke or just played along here.
***
And, on a similar theme, here’s an update from Adobe.
***
Quite staggering that I’ve reached 2,500+ followers on Twitter.
Not bad, I suppose, for a nobody.
You can follow me here.
It helps when a tweet gets retweeted by a lot of people (100+) as this one from me did last week.
Yes – a pointless tweet as you can see.
***
I hope they make “Twitter: The Movie”.
It would be like Facebook film ”The Social Network.”
But with fewer characters.
BOOM!
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This is brilliant.
Wow. Absolute wow.
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Avalanche.
It’s what Italian people do at mid day.
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In The News
A 28-year-old mum of four has been banned from every nightclub in her home town – after being told she is TOO OLD to wear skimpy outfits.
Furious Lisa Woodman was barred from three venues, including Tramps, because of her low-cut tops, short skirts and knee-length boots.
The 5ft 3in blonde admits she likes to flaunt her size 6 figure and 36DD boobs. She was left in tears on New Year’s Eve when doormen turned her away and told her: “You’re too old to wear that get-up.”
Lisa has also been banned from two other Worcester nightclubs which are owned by the same company until she tones down her appearance.
Full story here.
A trampy woman banned from Tramps – oh the irony!
She has a face only a mum could love – and even that’s debatable.
Yes she is rough as arseholes but, let’s face it chaps, we’ve all probably done worse.
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In The News
Meanwhile, on advertising boards in Australia…
Oops.
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Top Tips For Women
Make light of your PMS by simply adding an ‘L’ at the end.
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That Awkward Moment
…when your thumb makes a female friend look like a transvestite.
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Type ‘define an English person’ into Google and see what the top search result is.
How dare they ?!
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Posing for the camera.
With invisible scissors.
And so it continues.
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A stunning waste of time but deserves sharing.
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?
I hope Lionel Richie appreciates this.
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Happy (belated) Birthday to lovely Kel.
And why not celebrate with a beautiful cake?
We’ll file this one under: Only In Telford.
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“Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool.
I lost my cool once – and it killed my career.”
They were the words of:
LL J
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Tattoo Of The Week
At least wipe first!
***
When people question me as to why I don’t have Tattoos, I ask them:
“Why would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?”
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BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
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FML / Fuck My Life.
A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Get a grip, people!
Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
The electrician is stomping around the house swearing.
I think he’s blown a fuse.
***
I was nervous about stealing from the plumber.
But I finally took the plunge.
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They employ some really ugly people in the BBC.
What’s the old saying?
Oh yes.
A Great Face For Radio.
Yes, that really is DJ Wanker, aged 22.
And for those who actually know me………
Stop. Fucking. Laughing.
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I’ve got a great joke about shoehorns.
I just wish I knew how to get it into conversations.
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That Awkward Moment
…when you overdo the fake tan.
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Want to see some utterly shite rapping, gangsta-styleeeeeeee?
***
FACT: Rap is 75% Crap
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Silly Photo Of The Week
Here you go.
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I’ve recently been on a first aid course.
The instructor asked me: “What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?”
“I’ll climb in through the window” was not the right answer.
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Text Message Of The Week
If you’re going to take the piss, be prepared for a sharp comeback.
Brilliant.
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In The News
The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy.
More details to come as the story develops.
***
Silly Kodak.
They should have invented a camera with a phone on it.
***
I’m glad Kodak has gone bankrupt.
I always thought he was a rubbish, lollipop-sucking detective.
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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:
Fri 27th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 28th – Pussycats, Telford
Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery
Here’s a sample from last weekend.
***
This is how busy we were on Saturday at Pussycats.
Chock-a-block in the main room!
***
Don’t get me started on what some of the clubbers look like.
Times change, fashions change.
Here’s a question though…
***
A new nightclub has opened in Telford. (*)
I think it has cornered the market.
Giving the locals what they want.
(*) It hasn’t really.
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I tried to change my password to ‘TheOnlyWayIsEssex’ recently.
But, apparently, it contains too many useless characters.
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There is nothing better than a perfectly timed photo.
Here’s a tourist posing on holiday.
Fuck knows what the cyclist was doing.
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In The News
An 84-year-old great-grandmother has been arrested for streaking at The Chelsea Flower Show.
On the bright side, however, she won first prize for her dried arrangement.
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Dad?
Yes?
Can we go to the park please?
No, you’ve been a very naughty boy.
Oh please dad.
Okay then. I know just the place…
I bet he didn’t have a GRATE time there.
(It’s okay, I can hear you groaning. In fact, you sound properly CHEESED off.)
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In The News
A damaged 18th century vase has sold for £80,000.
Blimey, if that’s second hand imagine what a new one would cost.
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What does the back of a phone look like?
You must know, surely.
These kind people have shown us theirs.
***
What is it with people taking photos in the mirror?
They often do it in the bathroom, showing off their phone.
Meanwhile, back in the olden days…
Yes kids – phones used to look like that!
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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold
Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,500 views – if you missed it, it’s here. http://wp.me/plv9K-14B
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I think we’re just going to have to accept that the Vengabus is not coming.
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Did you realise that a woman saying: “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man saying: “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?
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That Awkward Moment
…when Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard slips one up the backdoor of team mate Wayne Rooney while the granny-shagger noshes off Aaron Ramsey with trouble-making rabble-rouser Patrice Evra having a good perv.
As you do.
On the pitch.
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Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I’ve made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit and I’m worried I’ll end up owning Nottingham Forest.
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My ex once said she wanted a Brazilian downstairs.
We ended up with Pele as a lodger.
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In The News
Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.
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I’ve skilfully and deliberately missed EastEnders for about 20 years.
I wonder what happened last week?
A quick catch up courtesy of Super Massive Raver
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I went to see Scarface last week.
Just wanted to make sure he wasn’t too upset about Heidi Klum dumping him.
(My sincerest apologies to Seal for that poor taste mention. I feel quite guilty as I do like his work – but the gag made me laugh.)
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Nothing wrong with this next photo.
Just good people on a night out.
It’s not the full photo though.
I cropped it.
Want to see the rest?
AWKWARD!!
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I went for a routine check up last week and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum.
Ouch!
Do you think I should change dentists?
***
It’s about time I took a visit to the opticians.
Been a while for sure.
When you get to my age it’s worth keeping tabs on your eyesight.
My mate lives near Newcastle and he’s suggested visiting his bloke.
They do it slightly differently up there.
Have you ever wondered what a Geordie opticians is like?
Well you can wonder no more.
“Ho’waay son, just read this reet little chart…”
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Sean Connery certainly has found his niche.
She was in the back garden, chatting with his nephew.
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And finally… I bumped into Heather Mills McCartney the other day.
Well I didn’t meet her.
I just saw her car.
***
Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?
I appreciate your feedback.
Tell me what you think on Facebook
***
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
**********
Friends of this page include:
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook
**
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
**
DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook
**
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk
**
Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk
**
Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155
**
Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com
**
Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387
**
Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!
Wednesday 18th January 2012
WEDNESDAY 18th January
I’m sorry to start with some very sad news.
The man who created the chain of Odeon cinemas has died.
He was 91.
His funeral is next Thursday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.
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The word of the day is:
Scapabobididdywiddilydoobapbapaphobia
It means:
The fear of freestyle jazz.
***
I was going to buy a book on phobias.
But I was afraid it wouldn’t help.
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“Hello, is that Social Services?”
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A girlfriend once said to me: “I bet you can’t go a day without making a joke about my period.”
“You’re on,” I said.
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That Awkward Moment
…when you put blusher on without using a mirror.
Or in the dark.
And your mate doesn’t point it out.
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
I’ve bought a friend of mine a new fridge.
You should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
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A belated Christmas moment.
What the absolute fook?
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My mate bet me £100 I wouldn’t take five Viagra tablets at once.
I thought: ”How hard can it be?”
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Angela Merkel is the Chancellor of Germany.
She hates practical jokes.
Let’s face it, not too many Germans are well known for their sense of humour.
French president Nicolas Sarkozy has played a trick on her.
He bought her a present – some hand cream.
It was actually Super Glue.
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Due to a water shortage in Shropshire, Telford swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
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What does the back of a phone look like?
You must know, surely.
These kind people have shown us theirs.
***
How to pose properly.
Or badly.
This chap is helping you ladies.
***
That Awkward Moment
…when an animal tries to take a photo of itself.
Use a mirror!
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
I went to the allotment last week and found someone had covered it with two inches of soil.
I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another two inches of soil.
Hmmmm.
The plot thickens.
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My best mate is Phil.
He’s a cheeky sod sometimes.
When he crashed at mine for a couple of years weeks, he burst in on me while I had company.
He couldn’t resist taking a photo of me on the job.
Awkward indeed.
***
She’s a big lass.
A bit of a porker.
You should’ve seen the porker’s face.
(Lost in translation, obviously.)
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Ann Summers are now selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their bits.
Campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking.
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Looking for a present for the chav slut in your life?
Well look no more.
Thank you, Nike.
What the absolute fook?
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Random thought
Why do blind people wear sunglasses?
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Back to photo posing.
People and their invisible scissors.
Why, why, why?
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”And the Anti-OCD finalists 2012 in no particular order are…”
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Listen love.
This isn’t a paperweight.
Your son is gay.
He just hasn’t told you.
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In The News 1
They have now discovered a cure for a headache and earache.
Stay single.
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In The News 2
All the big stories from the Eastern Daily Press.
I’m guessing it was a slow news day.
***
In The News 3
A sub editor at the Belfast Telegraph has dropped a bollock here.
You don’t put adverts like that next to stories like that.
Dream Holiday – oops.
***
And it’s not much better at The Guardian.
One of their sub editors must hate The Queen.
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I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the TV presenter said:
“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”
I just happened to glance at the wife on the sofa and now it’s all kicked off.
* OR *
“She’s lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court.”
Said Mr Andre about his former wife.
***
Thank goodness for webuyanyship.com
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Silly Photo Of The Week
Singer Cee-Lo Green has a great voice.
His album is superb.
This is pointless but made me smile.
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Random Thought
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
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Rest.
In.
Peace.
Let this be a lesson to you disbelievers!
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:
Fri 20th – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 21st – Pussycats, Telford
Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery
Here’s a sample from last weekend.
***
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I hope Lisa Stansfield claimed all of her air miles.
And has she found her baby yet?
(A gag purely for those who can remember chart-topping hits from 1989. I didn’t say it was funny.)
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Deal Of The Week
For stupid people, obviously.
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The Football Association have issued a new directive.
Any Leicester City Liverpool player passing the ball to Jermaine Beckford Andy Carroll will be booked for time wasting.
PS. This joke has been edited after Leicester City thrashed Notts Forest 4-0 on Tuesday night thanks to Jermaine Beckford’s hat-trick and, of course, the sublime, silky skills of Bentley’s Roof favourite Richie Wellens.
PPS. Guess which team I support?
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Regular readers will be aware of my opinions on tattoos.
I can’t stand them.
This one is beyond belief.
I bet this woman is a total c**t.
***
It’s a relatively modern fashion to have tattoos in a different language.
You have to be careful.
It can all go horribly wrong.
Thanks to the person who commented on this photo.
***
Let’s have some social media satire.
Brilliant.
***
I was never bored as a kid.
I never get bored now.
To be honest, I can’t understand how anyone gets bored.
But, hey, people do.
And they post stuff like this on Facebook.
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
If you were to ask me if I could do a decent giraffe impression, I’d probably stick my neck out and say yes.
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Text Message Of The Week
Hi Sarah my love.
Enjoy your night at yoga and Weight Watchers.
Our little soldier Ryan is behaving himself.
Had to change his nappy though.
Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner.
It’ll be ready for when you’re home.
See you later.
Love from your darling husband x
PS. Here’s what’s on the menu.
***
I think you need a babysitter.
But probably not this one.
I suspect that’s fake but, if not, simply brilliant.
In a bad way.
+++
If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold
Last week’s random silly nonsense had over 4,800 views – if you missed it, it’s here http://wp.me/plv9K-13V
OVER FOUR THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED – THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS !!
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Peaches Geldof has over 125,000 people following her on Twitter.
She’s a bit like Jesus.
Relying on her Dad’s fame to get more followers.
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Having debates with religious people about, erm, religion can be a challenging exercise.
Scientific proof is often disregarded.
It’s their view – they say – which is fact.
Here’s an example of how they explain things.
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Breaking News
Outdoor retailer Millets has gone into administration.
Now is the winter of our discount tent.
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I met a 94-year-old guy last week who was one of the first British soldiers on the beach at Dunkirk in World War 2. He was a real inspiration and no-one should ever take the piss out of people like that because they’re what make this country great.
Respect for older people is lacking.
And because of that, I make no comment on this next picture.
Apart from… what the bloody hell is going on here?
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Men vs Women
Hi. I am a Woman. I will say one thing but then want something totally different.
For example, I’ll ask for cheese on toast but really I want fish and chips. And when I don’t get what I want, even though I never asked for it, I’ll go on Facebook to cry, bitch and moan that no one understands me. I will then claim that all men are wankers.
Hi. I am a Man. I will say I want cheese on toast because that’s what I want.
***
What she says:
“I don’t want to talk about it”
What she means:
“I’d like to argue about this for a week.”
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I’m having some of these serviettes printed.
I can see it being a winner.
Especially for the alcoholics.
(That’s for you, Frank the Tank.)
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I went in a sex shop and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost.
She’s sitting on a small fortune.
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That Awkward Moment
…when a chav family take the kids to Disney.
Ah bless you little princess.
Now get back to your rat-infested council estate.
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#crapjokesmymumwillunderstand
I don’t care what he’s done, I’m still hanging on to my Antony Worrall Thompson blender.
Better the Breville you know.
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There’s nothing wrong with taking photos on holiday.
Here are some friends on the beach.
There is nothing remotely funny about that picture.
Just a few mates enjoying themselves.
Have to be honest – I did crop the photo.
There’s more to it.
Brace yourselves.
EEK!
PUT IT AWAY, SIR !!
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A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators.
Just a little house warming present.
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Don’t type the word “increased” into Google.
The top suggestion might make you wretch.
Oh go on then.
I know you want to see…
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And finally… I bet you can’t say “Irish Wristwatch” without messing it up the first time.
There you go – you messed it up, right?
***
Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?
I appreciate your feedback.
Tell me what you think on Facebook
***
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
**********
Friends of this page include:
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook
**
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
**
DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook
**
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk
**
Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk
**
Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155
**
Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com
**
Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387
**
Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!
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