Wednesday 22nd February 2012
WEDNESDAY 22nd February
I was in the supermarket the other day when a rather attractive woman smiled at me and said hello.
I was quite taken aback because I just couldn’t place where I knew her from.
“Do I know you ?” I asked.
“I think you’re the father of one of my kids!” she exclaimed.
My mind raced back to the only time I’d ever been unfaithful to the Mrs and I said:
“Ah you must be the stripper from the stag-do I shagged on the pool table whilst all my mates shouted encouragement and egged me on to fuck the living daylights out of you!”
She looked at me and said calmly:
“No, I’m your daughter’s schoolteacher…”
Ouch!
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Text Of The Week
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As someone who used to be 18-and-a-half-stone, it would be wrong of me to take the piss out of fatties.
So I won’t.
Well, maybe not until further down this page.
Anyway, I’m feeling hungry.
For some reason I just fancy some marshmallows.
A big box of pink marshmallows.
Not sure why but…
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I was standing in a queue last week behind a massively fat woman with a huge arse when her phone started to bleep.
A little boy behind her said:
“Fuck me, she’s reversing!”
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Boxing is camp.
Oiled up, half naked men fighting over a belt and purse.
Dereck Chisora was beaten by Vitali Klitschko at the weekend.
Chisora’s big mistake was stealing David Haye’s gameplan:
1. Agree to fight a Klitschko.
2. Behave like an idiot.
3. Lose by miles.
What’s this – Chisora wants to “bum” Haye?
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EastEnders in a nutshell.
With an 80s twist.
Brought to you by the genius that is SuperMassiveRaver and his crew.
If anything’s ripe for a pisstake, it’s the E20 misery-fest.
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Here’s one for Alanis Morissette.
The owner of this shop in Bognor has been declared errrrrrrrrrrm…
Well you get the idea.
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What’s the difference between praying in a church and praying when gambling?
You really mean it when gambling.
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BOBFOC.
Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.
Here’s one.
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I’m not an animal lover.
But I’m not an animal hater.
Never had a pet and never want one.
Here are two dogs.
And no I don’t mean Jordan and Kerry Katona.
***
Nothing wrong with some adult entertainment.
Even animals enjoy it.
This furry feline loves a bit of pussy but has just been…
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Why? Why? Why?
Why do people take so many photos in the mirror?
Why do people pose with invisible scissors or try to be gangsta?
Who do people do that duckface pout thing?
Well, they just do.
***
I like Noel Clarke.
A fine actor – he was superb in Doctor Who.
And he loves his invisible scissors.
***
Now this is how you take a photo in the mirror.
Sucking up the author pretty much guarantees getting a photo on this website.
Again.
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Breaking Sports News
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox.
Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid for Rangers.
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Nobody likes shoddy workmanship.
My mate had a bloke in to do some tiling.
He wasn’t very good.
He’s now had to get someone else in to sort the grouting out.
Look at the state of it in his bathroom.
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As you know, we like to bring you the big stories from around the world.
I spotted this in a newspaper in Warrington.
Local papers like to bring you the huge news.
It’s all kicking off in this part of Cheshire.
Hold the front page!
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Everybody remembers where they were when they heard that JFK had been assassinated.
I was in a history lesson.
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Spot The Difference
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My ex girlfriend once told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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We all love a bouncy castle.
Great fun for the kids.
This one is a little unusual.
For that full on Titanic or Costa Concordia experience.
***
Some survivors of the Costa Concordia are comparing their experience to the Titanic.
I think they’re going a bit overboard.
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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:
Fri 24th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 25th Feb – Pussycats, Telford
***
Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery
Here’s a sample from last weekend.
***
I do see some right sights when DJing.
Someone suggested doing a “Munter” section here but I’d have to face some of them again and I decided it wasn’t worth the aggro.
Then again, if you do plough through the photos in my gallery you’ll be able to work out for yourself who is magnificent, who is mediocre and who is minging.
Anyway…
***
I love being a DJ.
I’d love to tell you this request was for me and I played the song.
Not sure I could concentrate with this going on.
***
Some customers are lovely.
They occasionally offer to buy you a drink.
And sometimes they slip you a few quid for a tune or shout out.
It’s never expected or solicited. It’s just like a waitress or barman getting a tip.
However, one DJ in America must be coining it in.
I might even get something similar made up to try and stop the ruder, less polite demands.
Obviously some po-faced, thin-skinned people won’t find it funny but as long as I do then that’s all that matters.
And on a similar theme: “DJ faces murder charge” Full story here.
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One of the freshest DJ brands around is ReflectResidents - featuring MattPeverell and NickPeverell plus a cast of others including JonFitz (from Herd&Fitz).
I had the pleasure of playing alongside them at the fabulous HedKandiBar in Ibiza last summer and this week, on their IdealClubworld radio show, they featured a half hour mix of funky house which they asked me to put together for them.
You can listen to the whole lot by clicking here - my bit starts around 1h19m but, if you like funky, sexy, deep, soulful stuff, then I recommend you hear it all.
NB: You might have to log in or register to listen.
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Random Book Recommendation Of The Week
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Bruce Willis and Demi Moore gave one of their kids a stupid name, Rumer has it.
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Crap Parent Of The Week
You stay there, love.
I’m just putting some stuff in the car.
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You should prepare children for the harsh realities of life by using glue to replace, rather than fix, broken My Little Ponies.
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Pointless Windscreen Wiper Of The Week
Why? Why? Why?
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Knock knock.
Knock knock.
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.
Hurry up Whitney, I need a shit.
***
Here’s a Whitney-related cock up on Channel 5.
***
Baths are dangerous.
At least now we know why crack addicts look dirty
***
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What’s fat, orange, two miles long and smells of kebab?
The queue for the morning after pill at Boots in Telford on a Saturday morning.
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Yes, I’m know I’m old.
Old and out of touch.
Sometimes on Facebook I simply haven’t got a clue.
What’s this all about?
***
Grammar.
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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Worst Star Wars Fancy Dress Party Ever
The force isn’t strong.
The force isn’t with them.
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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold
Last week’s random silly nonsense had in excess of 7,000 views – quite staggering, so thank you – if you missed it last week, it’s here.
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Bookmakers could increase their profits by not giving customers ‘clues’ in the form of odds as to which horse will win a race.
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Tattoo Of The Week
Yes, I know.
What a c**t.
***
If you get a tattoo of a digital watch on your wrist then I bet you’ll regret it literally one minute later.
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So I popped into KFC the other day.
And I had a random thought.
Does this bloke get a free meal?
Colonel Sanders lives!
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And now the weather.
There will be bucketloads of… what?
Did he really say that?
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I went to see an osteopath last week.
Erm, was it an osteopath? Not sure. Let me think.
No, I apologise.
I saw a chiropractor, not an osteopath.
I stand corrected.
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That Awkward Moment
…when you’re stage diving and nobody wants to catch you.
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All that loud noise when DJing isn’t good for your ears long term.
I called the tinnitus helpline but it just kept ringing.
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And finally… Bungee Jumping is not for everyone.
Especially those of a nervous disposition.
Oh shit…
***
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
***
***
Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?
I appreciate your feedback.
Tell me what you think on Facebook
***
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
**********
Friends of this page include:
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook
**
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
**
DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook
**
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk
**
Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk
**
Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155
**
Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com
**
Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387
**
Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!
Wednesday 15th February 2012
WEDNESDAY 15th February
I was telling a girl in the pub last week about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on, just by feeling their breasts.
“Really?” she said: “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “When was I born?”
“Yesterday,” I replied.
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My nephew does A-Team impressions.
I told him they were utterly brilliant.
You should have seen his face!
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That Awkward Moment
…when you follow through in public.
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It’s ironic that most people’s thoughts about their Whitney Houston jokes are “It’s not right / but it’s okay / I’m gonna make it anyway.”
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Parent Of The Week
“Dad, you’re squashing me!”
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Sad news.
The man who invented crosswords has died.
I can’t remember his name.
It’s P something T something R.
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Who says men can’t multi-task?
Here’s an example of why blokes can.
Copping off and looking after his mate.
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What do we want?
A cure for diabetes.
When do we want it?
Before Easter.
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Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for showing us the back of your phone and posting it online.
***
Taking a photo of yourself (and the back of your phone) is not just a UK phenomenon.
They do it all around the world.
This was in the Middle East.
***
I met a girl once.
She let me take a naughty photo.
It was only then I discovered she was Jewish.
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My ex girlfriend once sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Hot Air Balloon Of The Week
Mad, isn’t it?
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Hurrah!
I’ve bought myself a Bon Jovi Sat Nav.
It takes a while to warm up though.
It only starts working when we’re half way there.
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A little help if you ever travel on the Metro in Japan.
Random or what?
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In The News
Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric did NOT cheat the taxman.
Redknapp is clear favourite to replace Fabio Capello as England manager.
T’riffic.
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Where you can find DJ Wanker next:
Fri 17th Feb – Walkabout, Leicester for the massive FRAT PARTY.
Sat 18th Feb – Pussycats, Telford
Mario from The Only Way Is Essex joined us at Pussycats last Saturday and – credit where it’s due – he was quite a nice bloke. He is clearly one of the lesser oxygen thieves on that bloody awful show. Not that that’s much of a compliment but there you go.
***
Check out the latest photos in the DJ Wanker gallery
Here’s a sample from last weekend.
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I have been invited to join the Tenuous Connection Society by a friend of my Neighbour’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s former boss.
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Tattoo Of The Week
Your parents must be so proud, love.
Or maybe you just love that Mousse T record from 1998.
***
However much you like animals, why would anyone have paw prints as a tattoo on their boobs?
Yet people do.
***
Let me introduce you to Hayley.
She was born on 6th September 1991.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I just do.
Your own name.
Your own date of birth.
As tattoos.
I will never understand it.
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Best Glove Name Of The Week
Perfect for a wanker like me.
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One of the pins on my watch broke last week.
The girl at the jewellery store asked if I wanted to try a new strap on.
I thought that was a bit forward of her.
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It’s not often you get over 250 retweets on Twitter.
But this one I posted clearly caught the mood last week.
***
At one point I was trending above Fabio Capello, Lord Sugar and Michael Owen.
Utter madness.
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Breaking news.
Walkers are to add a new flavour to their crisps.
They will be called Semen.
Walkers plan to market them as ‘diet crisps’ – as 97.8% of women will spit them back out.
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FML / Fuck My Life.
A little section dedicated to those people who use the phrase FML / Fuck My Life on Facebook to describe stuff which really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
Get a grip, people!
Yeah, fuck your terrible lives.
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Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off.
And then a turn on again.
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In memory of George Orwell.
This is clever.
Really clever.
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I once got a +1 on a wedding invite from a friend, yet they seemed surprised and annoyed when I turned up an hour after everyone else.
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Rude Shadow Of The Week
Took some effort, this.
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Good news.
I’ve got myself a job interview to become an Argos delivery driver.
They want to see me next Monday.
To show them that I’ll fit in well, I’m going to turn up anytime between 7am and 7pm.
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It’s been bloody cold in the UK in recent weeks.
A dusting of snow and the country grinds to a halt.
Fortunately, people are always on hand to discuss it.
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I saw a man get run over by a lorry salting the snowy roads.
“I’ll get you, you bastards,” he said through gritted teeth.
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Has anyone seen my scissors?
Not real scissors, obviously.
You know – the invisible ones.
Snip, snip.
***
I’m not going to criticise a top boxer for invisible scissors.
I might be stupid but I’m not THAT stupid.
Here is Amir Khan with Kenzie.
Brap! Brap!
***
It’s not just the “kids” who do the gangster pose.
Even knights of the realm do it.
I bet you thought you’d never see the Manchester United manager partaking.
Sir Alex Ferguson and his invisible scissors.
Wow. Just wow.
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If you find something funny – jokes, daft photos, videos etc – you can email them to comedygold@randomsillynonsense.com – and you can follow me on Twitter and on Facebook – and there is also a brand new – yes BRAND NEW – Facebook page featuring some of the best bits. It’s comedygold
Last week’s random silly nonsense had almost 7,000 views – not bad considering 18 months ago I was lucky to get 400 in a week. Then again it was pretty rubbish in comparison back then. Anyway, if you missed it last week, it’s here.
PS. I doubt anyone reads this bit but, hey, it’s okay.
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“Mummy, daddy – can you get us some fancy dress please.”
“Of course, leave it with me. I’ll have a word with Colonel Sanders.”
Finger lickin’ ridiculous.
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Warning ! Warning !
Some scary photos are coming.
You have been warned.
NOT SAFE FOR WORK !
I love a woman who works out and looks after her figure.
It shows she respects her fitness.
No, this is not Jodie Marsh.
It’s worse.
Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!
***
I’m not sure if this next bloke has just seen that bodybuilder or has drunk way too much at a sporting event.
Or possibly both.
(If you’re eating your dinner, please look away now.)
+++
A message to any aspiring urban musical artistes:
Become the English pop equivalent to Flo Rida by telling people your new name is Don Caster or Peter Borough.
+++
Cats are scared of dogs, right?
That’s how it works.
Well – not always.
Here’s the most terrified pooch ever.
+++
I’ve recently started online dating.
I was matched with a girl who told me she suffered with agoraphobia.
Maybe I should ask her out.
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And finally… I was helping this attractive lady carry her bags in the supermarket car park and turned to her and said: “Where is your car?”
She grabbed me, looked me straight in the eye and exclaimed:
“I’ve got an itchy pussy.”
I said: “You’ll have to show me love – I can’t tell one Japanese car from another.”
***
See you next time.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
***
***
Enjoy all that? Some of that? None of that?
I appreciate your feedback.
Tell me what you think on Facebook
***
Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters
**********
Friends of this page include:
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
Tantalize on Facebook
**
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
**
DW Sports Fitness Gym, Telford 01952 201113
DW Sports Telford on Facebook
**
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture.
www.slideandhide.co.uk
**
Magician for hire – he’s great!
www.carlbuck.co.uk
**
Transform your bathroom
Visit Heidi at Country Ceramics & Bathrooms in Lutterworth
Call: 01455 556155
**
Computer / Laptop repair specialists in Kidderminster
www.csmicros.com
**
Fancy a top-class photo shoot?
Call Matt Lowe on 07962 335 387
**
Mobile and salon beauty treatments from Sophie Williams
http://www.beautyatsweetcheeks.co.uk
Call: 07977 912289 / Email: sophiewilliams60@hotmail.co.uk
To add your company here, please get in touch!
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