Wednesday 11th November 2009

 
 
 
 
 
 
WEDNESDAY 11th NOVEMBER

 
 
 
 
What an exciting week!
 
Queued for hours outside Asda for the midnight release on Monday of the new ‘Call of Duty’ computer game just so I could be one of the first to play it.
 
Oh hang on – no I didn’t. I’m a sensible grown up. I’ll leave that geeky bollocks for the utter sad twats. Get a life.
 
FAIL.
 
*****
 
Things I would like to see…
 
People talking about X Factor on their Facebook status updates on a Sunday evening. Why do people not mention it?
 
That is obviously another piece of sarcasm. X Factor has the Facebook world in a vice-like grip.
 
* “Fukin Simon Cowell wadda prik.”
 
* “I h8 dem twinz.”
 
* “Not watchin dat shit agen til da twins r out.”
 
* “Dat show makes me fukin angry.”
 
* “Twins shud get a lyf and Cowel to.”
 
Yawn. It’s karaoke for a thick generation. Get over it.
 
*****
 
Do not disturb me this Sunday night between 7 and 8. My phone will be switched off. Got to give Dr Who my full attention.
 
I, of course, reserve the right to update my Facebook status with my views on that particular programme. And I imagine I’ll write about it here next week.
 
Yes, yes, yes – I am a Dr Who geek… but I wouldn’t queue outside a shop for the midnight release of a Dr Who DVD/Dalek helmet/computer game etc.
 
*****
 
Facebook status update of the week (1):
 
“Guna stick d fire on, b4 goin bk t work at 3! Early nyt tnyt me finks!”
 
Yeh me finks dats da best fing 4 u 2 do innit.
 
 
Facebook status update of the week (2):
 
Kayleigh wrote: “Had A Gud Nyt Last Nyt Talken Bwt Shit Lyk Ghosts Scaren Da Crap Owt Ov Ourselves Ha! Shud B A Nuva Gd Nyt Cumen On”
 
I replied: “I’m sending a ghost to your house tonight, Kayleigh. You’ll recognise which ghost I’m sending… it’ll be the one with a dictionary.”
 
Kayleigh subsequently pointed out that she’s “shit at spelling” as if there’s nothing she can do about it. I imagine it must be hard for some people to spell such difficult words as…
 
* Good
* Night
* Talking
* About
* Like
* Scaring
* The
* Out
* Should
* Another
* Coming
 
Well it must be hard to spell those words… if you’re SEVEN YEARS OLD !
 
I don’t mind a bit of ‘text talk’ to save some time but when you spell ‘out’ as ‘owt’ it’s the same bloody length!
 
 
Facebook status update of the week (3):
 
Katie Jarvis wrote: “What goes around comes around Sooo u need to watch out u Fat fuckin bitch u Think its fuckin funny lieing about somethink that was never true ur just sick and twisted and ur defo no fuckin mother of mine as far as im concerened u can go rot in fuckin hell!!”
 
Ooooh, get you!
 
*****
 
Here is a ‘conversation’ I had with some dork called Ryan Campbell: (who I have subsequently deleted as a friend) on my Facebook wall last week…
 
RC: Saf
Me: What ??
 
RC: Saf m8
Me: Apologies for my ignorance… I only speak English
 
RC: Yes saf m8
Me: What does ’saf’ mean though?
 
RC: Muf w fu M8. Saf m8
Me:  Give me a minute while I consult the ‘chav dictionary’
 
RC: Ha ha saf
Me: The ‘chav dictionary’ doesn’t recognise the word ’saf’ or ‘muf’ or ‘w fu’
 
RC: No at u r saf m8
Me: Ah right – I should’ve looked in the ‘Telford Dictionary’
 
RC: Saf gud ida m8 saf
Me: The ‘Telford Dictionary’ suggests ’saf’ might mean ’safe’ – am I right ?
 
RC: On u mud. Dot oud saf m8
 
* DELETE *
 
*****
 
The big story of the week was this belter from the News of the World…
 
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/586565/The-Sperminator-Facebook-cheater-Dominic-Baronet-gets-12-girls-pregnant.html
 
“Love rat Dominic Baronet from Telford has been branded The Sperminator for getting TWELVE girls pregnant after wooing them on the social networking site – two of them on the SAME DAY. Five women are now raising his KIDS, five were talked into ABORTIONS and two are EXPECTING. For years the laptop lust hunter has secretly preyed on women with his smooth internet patter.”
 
I think my favourite tabloid phrase in that is: laptop lust hunter.
 
Having been in the Sunday papers myself – I was ‘romantically linked’ with the girlfriend of a football manager back in 2001, it made the front page of the Sunday People and was in the NOTW and others, I may tell you the full story one day if the lawyers allow – I never believe every cough and splutter of these stories.
 
I bet he hasn’t really impregnated twelve women but clearly he is a bit of a lad. As someone who doesn’t like hypocrites, I must be honest that there have been occasions when I was much younger where I may have spun a line to impress a woman. Now I just say what I think and people have to like it or lump it.
 
There’s part of me who salutes the cheek of this bloke (what they saw in him, I don’t know) although cheating in relationships is reprehensible.
 
However, these gullible women have to take some responsibility. If they’d shown a bit more respect for themselves – keeping their legs shut or insisting he wore a condom etc – then they would have less to complain about.
 
One of the girls who went to the newspaper with the story is a Facebook friend of mine. I know her because she comes into Pussycats. I doubt she’ll be in for a while in her state – although there are plenty of women around Telford who look like they might be pregnant.
 
*****
 
Here were some of the comments posted about the story on the NOTW website:
 
* “If ugly girls weren’t allowed to use Facebook, they couldn’t be seduced by desperate losers.”
 
* “Looking at those photos, I think the ’slappernator’ would be more appropriate.”
 
* “What a pair of trollops, no wonder he didn’t hang around!!”
 
* “If I was him I’d be well embarrassed … these two are ugly!!”
 
* “I admire the guy for getting 12 girls pregnant, and he isn’t even good-looking. Wish I had his charm.”
 
* “CHAV-TASTIC!”
 
 I think we need to get Jeremy Kyle involved.
 
*****
 
The final word on the subject goes to Dee Austin who sarcastically suggested: “At least the kids will have a big family network.”
 
*****
 
We had another wonderfully busy weekend at Pussycats. Yet again the honeys with the big bazookas happily posed for some photos and you can see them for yourself in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – I’m always quite happy to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society if it means extra hits on my website!
 
I was thrilled that Phil, my best mate (in the world… ever!), popped into Cats after work on Saturday. He’s never been to Telford to see me DJ (it’ll be seven years next April since I started) because he’s also a DJ and, being very good at his job, is always in demand.
 
He was spinning the tunes in Vox Bar in the town centre last Saturday and absolutely loved it. You really should go and check him out – before heading to Cats afterwards, obviously! Welcome to the team, Phil. I hope the customers and management appreciate him as much as I do.
 
But TMDAIKY… <private joke>
 
PS. Add him on Facebook – Phil Mansfield – he’s on my friends list.
 
*****
 
Notice of an event at Pussycats – on Friday 20th November we’ll be raising money for Children In Need with a themed night called: “Sexy Pajama Party.”
 
That is not a spelling mistake from me. Obviously it should be ‘pyjama’ as we’re English and not American but the man at the helm of our slick PR machine (who I mustn’t name because I’ll get untold grief) says it was a deliberate cock-up “to attract attention.”
 
I did point out to him that, judging by Facebook, most people in Telford can’t spell anyway.
 
*****

Men vs Women – Part 3 of 6

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 
Part four in this series next week.
 
*****
 
From the Daily Telegraph: “The number of jobless university leavers is predicted to have reached the 100,000 mark, up from 70,000 last year, when the latest unemployment figures are released.”
 
I can think of one who can’t be arsed to get a job after university because they’re a complete and utter… [edited]
 
*****
 
Telly news.
 
Benidorm has completed its run and every single hour-long episode was sheer brilliance. Whether they can manufacture another series looks unlikely but you never know.
 
I loved it last weekend when Madge was being ferried about in the back of the vehicle, just as the Pope would, with Gregorian chanting on the show’s soundtrack, and the local Catholics started waving and worshipping… Madge, smoking a fag, flicked them the V-sign.
 
Much funnier to see than for me to try and explain. Yes, you had to be there. Sort of.
 
The best visual gag of the whole series for me was in the first episode where Mel was promoting a mobility scooter for people with, erm, a tendency to poo at the wrong time. The advert on the back was this:
 
“COMING SOON

Mel’s New Commode Mobility Chair

Don’t get caught between two stools !”
 
Blink and you miss it. Genius.
 
*****
 
Have I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to Dr Who this Sunday?
 
*****
 
From the letters page at Viz magazine: “My granddad keeps forgetting where his allotment is. I think he’s lost the plot.”
 
*****
 
I’m probably the last person to stick up for Gordon Brown but he’s had a lot of unfair criticism this week about an error he made in a letter to the mother of a soldier killed in action. Yes, it’s extremely sad when anyone dies in the line of armed duty and we all have great sympathy for parents who lose their children but if I’d lost someone, I’d have bigger things to worry about than a slight grammatical error.
 
Let’s retain a sense of perspective.
 
He took the time to send a handwritten letter to a bereaved mother. She went to the papers to complain and he apologised. He might be an utter useless gimp for everything else but to clout him with a big stick over this is just unnecessary.
 
*****
 
Don’t worry – the usual Brown-bashing will return again soon.
 
*****
 
And finally… a very, very, very bad taste joke.
 
The Queen Mother bumps into Princess Diana up in Heaven and says: “Hello dear, I see you’ve been rewarded for all the important charity work you did while you were on Earth. Would it be possible for me to get a Halo just like yours?”
 
Diana replies: “Fuck off nan, it’s a steering wheel!”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

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The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:
 
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Wednesday 4th November 2009

 
 
 
 
 
WEDNESDAY 4th NOVEMBER

 
 
 
I must start off by thanking everyone who came to Pussycats last weekend for the Hallowe’en extravaganza. It was an absolute belter and a real pleasure to be part of it, especially Saturday night which was our busiest for several months. Both DJ Ivory (on the urban duties in room two) and I had a thoroughly enjoyable time banging out the tunes to a massive up-for-it crowd.
 
As usual at Hallowe’en, there were many people in fancy dress, myself included. I spent £15 at Tesco on a Count Dracula outfit which I had to wear on Friday AND Saturday just to get value for money! I’m not really keen on wearing fancy dress while DJ-ing if I’m completely honest but I suppose it was something different.
 
I can look stupid enough in my normal clothes without dressing as a vampire!
 
*****
 
I took loads of photos of the weekend – about 100 I think – and you can see them in the gallery at www.djwanker.com. There are some bang tidy women in there and some wonderful cleavage action going on. A picture of Lianne’s boobs is the most viewed since the weekend and you’ll be able to see for yourself why. Ding Dong!
 
http://www.wanker.pussycatsnightclub.co.uk/cpg1410/albums/0%2009%20Cats%2011/0910_00000_%2804%29.jpg  
 
For some reason, we seemed to have a lot of hot women from Shrewsbury in on Saturday. They had a good time and say they’re coming back. And, of course, they are most welcome.
 
*****
 
By the way, it’s free to get into Pussycats before 11.30 on a Friday with a special pass you can get from Whispers Bar, next door to the club.
 
*****
 
I didn’t have any acceptable footwear to go with the Dracula costume so, needing something cheap, I bought a pair of slippers from some high-class joint (*sarcasm) called Peacocks on the retail park by JJB gym.
 
I’m not comfortable buying slippers because they’re principally for little children and old people. It’s not a sign of a mid-life crisis either. Assuming I’m going to reach 80 (I’d take that now, to be honest) then, being 36, I’m not quite at the midway mark.
 
That said, a good friend of mine had a wobble a few years back and he was about 35. He divorced his wife, got engaged to a woman 15 years younger, had extra tattoos, bought a motorbike and took up a new sport. The motorbike has now gone and so too has the younger partner. She was a cow anyway and he’s best shot of her.
 
*****
 
Changes are on the way for me in Telford. I’m leaving ‘the crib’ at the end of this month and moving to a new part of town along with a mate. I only stop in Telford at weekends anyway (my home is in Leicestershire, you should know that by now – do keep up) but I’m looking forward to this alteration in living arrangements.
 
The house in St. George’s was nicknamed ‘the crib’ when I moved in last April although, over time, the dynamic of the place changed quite dramatically – and not for the better – and, well, I’ll say no more for the moment.
 
*****
 
A friend of mine – and a friend with a rather large waistline – got a call from a charity called African Aid the other day. They asked if he would donate some clothes for starving African children. He told them to ‘fuck off’ because any child who can fit into his clothes certainly isn’t starving.
 
*****
 
Now I’m the least geeky person I know. I don’t do any of that Star Wars / Star Trek / shooting zombies on computer games and taking time off work to play the new Call of Duty sad, childish bollocks but I am a confirmed Dr Who anorak. The next episode (‘The Waters Of Mars’) will be broadcast on BBC1 at 7pm on Sunday 15th November. David Tennant will be making way for Matt Smith as The Doctor over Christmas and New Year and, as the clairvoyant woman said in the last instalment:
 
“You be careful, because your song is ending, sir. It is returning, it is returning through the dark. And then Doctor… oh, but then…he will knock four times.”
 
Every time I’ve watched that clip (see it at www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho along with trailers for the new episode) it gives me goosebumps. It’s wrong, yes I know. I’m a grown up. However, it’s just a compelling piece of dramatic television.
 
“Water always wins.”
 
The ‘geek switch’ is now off.
 
*****
 
Why do people click the ‘like’ button on their own Facebook status? The fact that they’ve written the status themselves should be enough of an indication to everyone that they like it.
 
*****
 
Great quote (1)
 
Aaleyah has just come back from a fortnight in Florida where she visited Disney World for her 13th birthday and I picked her up after school last week. She told me about a discussion they’d had at school about killing animals.
 
She said: “It’s wrong that animals are killed to make fur which people like Victoria Beckham wear. But I don’t mind animals being killed because I love bacon.”
 
*****
 
Great quote (2)
 
My parents are in London this week and are taking in a theatre show while they’re there. They’ve been to a few over the years and there was one they didn’t enjoy.
 
Mum said: “I can’t remember which musical it was but it definitely had a lot of songs in it.”
 
A musical with songs in it? Well that narrows it down…
 
*****
 
Telly news.
 
Benidorm was brilliant again, partly due to a wonderful cameo role from Una Stubbs as idiot Martin’s mother. My earliest memory of her was in Worzel Gummidge when she played Aunt Sally. According to Wikipedia she was: “a life-size fairground doll and Worzel’s femme fatale” while Worzel was “a walking, talking scarecrow with a set of interchangeable heads, each of which suited a particular occasion or would endow him with a specific skill.”
 
And you wonder why I turned out the way I did watching stuff like that!
 
*****
 
For the record, the actor portraying Worzel was Jon Pertwee, who was also Dr Who between 1970 and 1974.
 
The next Doctor (1974-1981) was Tom Baker – he’s now the voiceover man on Little Britain.
 
Baker was followed into the TARDIS (which stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space, of course) by Peter Davison (1981-1984).
 
Davison’s own real-life daughter, Georgia Moffett, played Sam Nixon’s daughter in The Bill before being cast as… wait for it… David Tennant’s daughter in Dr Who.
 
But like I said earlier, I’m not a geek or anything…
 
*****
 
Back in Benidorm…
 
I loved the quote from Mick Garvey about Madge with her braided hair… although I can’t actually remember who he said she looked like a cross between but it made me howl.
 
And I had to look away when Madge and Mel were bouncing on the trampoline because of something that happened to me 23 years ago. I nearly died on a trampoline. I’m being serious.
 
It happened in a PE lesson at Brockington High School in Enderby when I was 13. I’ve never had great physical balance and on this day I stumbled and fell. My head slipped through the gap between the bouncy fabric and the steel frame. My body was vertical and moving forward.
 
Had the teacher not been there, in the right place at the right time, to grab me firmly and stop me toppling over, my neck would’ve snapped on the outer frame. Instant death. Game over. No djwanker, no nothing. Just a grave with Geoff Peters: 1973-1986 on the headstone.
 
There’s no punchline to this. I’m not setting up some lame gag. It’s 100% true. There’s a fine line between life and death.
 
Mr Arthur, my PE teacher, wherever you are now, God bless you.
 
*****
 
I had another rather scary episode in 1999 when I was driving on the M1. I was doing about 80mph (yes, yes, breaking the speed limit, I know) when I braked and the car veered into the central reservation. It bounced off the barrier at speed and back into the traffic, somehow avoiding every other vehicle, before coming to rest on the hard shoulder.
 
The car was a write-off but I didn’t have a scratch on me. No other vehicle involved.
 
I know I’ve brought the tone of the blog down from the usual jovial nonsense but this is the random nature of what I write about, giving you an insight into my life.
 
*****
 
It seems like I blow smoke up the ass of Piers Morgan every week but his Life Stories show on ITV last weekend with Dannii Minogue was excellent.
 
*****
 
Men vs Women – Part 2 of 6
 
MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving gel, razor, shower gel and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 197. A man would not be able to identify more than 10 of these.

 
Part 3 in this series next week.
 
*****
 
From the letters page at Viz magazine: “To give herself more credibility, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the first syllable of her surname and successfully re-branded herself as the more ‘urban sounding’ J-Lo. I can’t think why Pete Doherty, with his street-cred on the wane, hasn’t done the same thing.”
 
*****
 
And finally… they say that 50% of marriages end with a divorce. That’s not as bad as it sounds when you realise how the other half end.
 
If you need that explaining, please don’t return here next week, you dumbass.
 
.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker

Leave a comment here or send feedback via Facebook or email

www.djwanker.com  
www.facebook.com/djgeoffpeters  
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The DJW blog is brought to you in association with:
 
Tantalize Beauty Salon, Madeley 01952 585853
http://tantalizesalon.blogspot.com
 
Silver Fish Chippy, Wellington 01952 254627
 
JJB Gym, Telford 01952 201113
www.jjbfitness.co.uk  
 
Central Taxis 01952 50 10 50
www.501050.co.uk  
 
For the best, sexiest bedroom furniture, check out…
www.slideandhide.co.uk  
 
Sophie’s Choice Cleaning, Telford 01352 779099 / 07816 519627
www.sophieschoicecleaning.co.uk  
 
 
To add your company here, please get in touch!